Thought I had a great marriage despite sub par sex life and normal couple issues. Now wife says she has no desire/attraction for me, has never liked sex together, etc. It is hard to tell how much is “revisionist history” but either that’s what she is feeling. It’s pretty harsh and she seems to be doubting us and being very distant. This crisis and this app are making me realize the anxiety I’ve had around sex from growing up in a fairly conservative/sheltered context. I feel so much better already and desire to build a great sex life but I don’t know how to communicate that without sounding desperate. Any ideas?
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How long have you been married? It is not abnormal for one of two things to happen in a relationship. Either you feel that you have become too familiar with your partner or you feel that you do not (actually cannot) know them at all.
If she has never liked sex with your then perhaps there is something that she wants. Ask her what she would like? Let her know you will do what you can to fulfill that desire. Ask her what she could do to possibly make it better.
I have told people numerous times before that my wife and I separately read Nancy Friday’s “My Secret Garden”. The book contains the fantasy life of women that wrote in. I would email and tell her what was hot or what was not. She would email back and tell me what she liked or what she did not in each of those. We would usually cover 2-3 of them in a week.
Here is a solid ground rule we had. There were no judgements allowed of one another’s feelings. If something turned her on, she needed to feel free to say so without me trying to explain how “wrong” it was. We opened up an entirely new level of communication.
I grew up in a conservative environment as well. It took quite a bit of work for me to not be sheltered, but I managed. I was adventurer. So my guess is that the sheltered background that you came from is most likely of a religious nature. That was mine. My wife’s background was much stricter than mine, so it took some drawing her out of her shell. One of the first things that you will encounter that you will probably have to overcome is the idea that sexual “desires” are wrong. Perhaps even sexual practices are wrong. Pick up your Bible. Deliberately and slowly read through the Song of Solomon. Yes, there are spiritual implications there, but there are also extremely physical implications. It is no accident that the physical intimacy is contained here. We are sexual beings and as sexual beings we were endowed with the ability to have immense pleasure engaging in sexual activity. So there’s that.
Good luck my friend!
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