Hey gents. Similar story to a lot of guys on here. Been married for a long time, sex started out great, slowly waned, and now is down to once every few months and still declining.
I love my wife, we get along amazingly well, but it’s starting to feel more like a friendship, especially with the lack of intimacy. My love language is physical touch and I have a very high sex drive. My wife does not naturally have a high sex drive and medication is also taking its toll on her in that way, too.
Whenever we do have sex I’m always attentive to her and making sure she’s FULLY satisfied. I love pleasuring her and at a minimum she has at LEAST one orgasm. I say this not to brag but to try and discount my performance in the bedroom as a possible cause of her lack of sexual interest.
I understand that she likely has a mostly responsive-based sex drive (read Come As You Are, BTW) and that her initiating is not something that’s going to be common. However, my efforts at building all this up are falling flat. She doesn’t take my compliments, especially in regards to her body or my desire for her. She is dismissive of any erotic talk I try, whether I say it in a sincere or playful way, and essentially laughs it off. She also never initiates this kind of playful sexual talk and just seems completely shut off from any thoughts of it. Whether that’s just with me or in general, I’m not sure. She is bisexual, so it’s also possible her attraction might have swung over to women.
Any kind of physical touch from her is rare, and non-existent in the bed, even knowing that physical touch is my no. 1 love language and how in need of it I am. I give her affectionate touching regularly. Also, words of affirmation are my 2nd most important love language, but I don’t remember the last time I was complimented on anything regarding my appearance (I take care of myself very well), or felt desired in any way. I also go down on her every time we actually do anything, but she will not do the same for me and seems to put in the most minimal effort in bed, with us essentially following the same routine, led by me.
We have talked on this subject before. She knows how important these things are to me, but it’s getting to point where my attempts to spark desire and arousal being so consistently shut down (and I don’t do it regularly enough to be pestering her) that I’m losing all motivation to continue trying.
I recently started going back to the gym and with that and apps like this, am starting to rediscover what masculinity feels like. I’m a very naturally sexual guy and need to channel that somewhere (not into masturbation; I’m no longer addicted to porn and can’t remember the last time I felt the need to masturbate).
Looking for any advice on how to clear the blockage of sexual energy in this marriage. I don’t want to force anything because that’s even less sexually attractive, but I know it can’t continue like this as I feel myself growing away from her.