Cut a long story short, I have a really high sex drive my partner does not, Iāve tried absolutely everything to make her home life easier in hopes that she would have more energy for sex as she normally says she is too tired or just doesnāt want to have sex which is okay however we have sex like once a fortnight and itās really starting to take its toll as I have started questioning is it something Iām doing wrong or something I should change but when ever I bring it up to her she shuts me down with, ātalking about it is only gonna make me not want to have sexā, so Iām now stuck in limboā¦ I know she isnāt cheating on me and I know I donāt want to leave her but is there anything else I can / should be doing that can make her want to have more sex with meā¦
I was in a long term relationship and after many years, my girl started to be less and less interested in sex to the point where we stopped and she had all of the excuses but none were reasonable. I was feeling very unattractive and did not know what to do I tried everything and she was not wanting to discuss it either, even after I told her Intimacy is really important to me and to our relationship. Sorry to say but we did end up separating. After some time (10 or 12 months) I learned that she discovered that she was suffering from self image issues which negatively affected our intimacy in a bad way. By then however it was too late to reconcile as I was in another relationship. It may not be the same thing with your situation but it may be something that only she can deal with.
Not sure how old you guys are or married or anything. My wife of 18 years we had a great about 2 years of sex and then pretty much shut down to once a month for a lot of years and just in the pass 2 or so has ramped up incredibly. Her main problem was a bad previous marriage to a bad man. Bad sexual choices post divorce and before she met me. And the topping on the cake bad upbringing in a suppressive Christian household. Full disclosure we are both Christianās but the stories she tells from growing up was just a recipe for disaster.
So for us once the honeymoon period wore off all kinds of mental demons came back for her. Then had a kid and all that goes with that.
So what Iām getting at. For our marriage it wasnāt anything to do with me. It was all on and in her. I had to pay the price and it sucked a lot cause I was in your same situation of questioning about me and trying everything I could think of to change myself. I took another job. We moved to be closer to her family. All sorts of stuff. I had made piece that it may turn into a sexless marriage in my early thirties and live the rest of my life that way. But it got better.
So good luck man and hope things get better . Iām going to venture a pretty well educated guess that it is not you at all and itās whatever things she has going through her head. Hope this helps some and stay strong.
I know exactly how you feel since I also have high libido while my wife developed a very low libido as the relationship progressed. At first I was compensating with heavy porn use and I did not mind much. When the sex became less and less I also developed ED, partly due to my porn use and partly due to putting too much pressure on myself since sex was so infrequent that I didnāt want to fuck it up when it finally happened. The ED made everything even worse as you can imagine.
At some point we started to go to couples therapy which helped and the app has helped me with my ED, but my wifeās libido has not improved in the same way unfortunately. I have made clear to her that the sex needs to work and otherwise I can not maintain this relationship.
I feel like she is trying her best. We try to have sex at least once a week. Sometimes itās good, but sometimes there are periods of awful experiences where it does not work at all either because of my ED or her not getting in the mood at all. It is difficult but we are pushing on and overall, things are improving, just in a non-linear way.
I think the most important thing is that you see that your wife cares and accepts that sex is an important part of the relationship and tries her best to increase her libido. In the end, this problem is both of yours equally and you need to find a way to solve it if you want the relationship to continue.
If that does not happen, you should start thinking about divorce, in my opinion.
I am not a specialist so I can only say what applies to me everybodyās situation is different but I think when youāve been with the same partner for a very long time one of the things that we suffer from the most is the lack of communication and not about the general things how was your day or stuff like a but actually the things that matter the things that we keep secrets in ourselves.
I found that in my past relationship with my partner of 14 years we never spoke we never spoke about the real things the small things for me but became major things when the relationship was challenged and one thing I realized is that communication about the difficult subjects or the most important ones are my fear of losing my partner was so overwhelming that it kind of controlled everything every time I wanted to say something or anything I was so uncertain about that if I said something it wouldnāt want to that one day we had a little tiff (we donāt have many at all) and basically boiled down that my partner said to me he is not going to leave you for anything and at that point I realized that I need to communicate I need to share my fears my thoughts and even the smallest and simplest thing that might be irrelevant to you is might be even very relevant to your partner but truly listen when your partner speaks donāt go into it with an accusation donāt go into it with pre-conceived objectives go into the conversations with your partner about actually really listening understanding see where they come from and youāll be surprised the compromise and the things you can work out together with that mindset.
I donāt have advice I can only tell you it works for me best of luck to all of you. I told my partner about my libido and not being able to get it up during sex and stuff like that and to my surprise my partner confirmed that they where well was aware of it anyway not to the degree that I explain but knew that there was something. The one thing that resonates with me that was said that waited until I was ready to talk and itā¦ and just by talking about it by just outing it just made it seem less of a bigger problem than what I was making it up in my head and it wasnāt on my own in my thoughts.