Heya, I’ve been thinking about where my issues started and it kind of make sense that i feel the way i do.
I’m 19 and was in a 2 year relationship with a girl i loved very deeply. But things started to go wrong, she fell out of love with me, avoided sex, made any excuse she could not to see me and even went and smoked dope with a bloke who was trying to shag her behind my back.
And this was even before i had a sexual problems.
Then one day we go to have sex, after weeks of no sexual contact. And my mind just thinks “what if I don’t get hard”. And so I didn’t.
But from there the relationship got way worse. She’d cancel on me all the time, tell me I’d been a terrible boyfriend and that pushed her away during my A Levels (I was busy trying to get good grades, I couldn’t entirely prioritise her).
I desperately tried to communicate with her, even started reading therapy books, but she was completely shut off. Yet we stayed together for another 4 months.
It was 6 months of trying to be close to a girl that resented and seemed almost disgusted by me.
I remember one time she came to my house to tell me she didn’t love me anymore ( we stayed together for another month after, god knows why). That night she even said “my body doesn’t want you anymore”. Jesus that was hard to hear.
I can literally remember being in tears while she was asleep next to me, I was pushed to despair watching someone I love consistently pull away from me in every aspect of our relationship, and yet we stayed together.
She was absolutely full of bitterness, I can remember her telling me she wished I was taller and how one day she’d like to have a threesome “but not in this relationship”.
Finally we broke up, I was heartbroken. Then a few weeks later her former best friend messaged me. Turns out my ex went on dates behind my back with other men, made out her colleague at work and even stayed round another guys house while we were together.
So to be honest I think I’m kind of a little traumatised from that. Physically I work out a tonne, I still get acne haha like my test shouldn’t be low I’m still a teenager.
Yet I find myself with absolutely no interest in sex or masturbating.
There’s been a couple situations since we broke up 7 months ago where I’ve been in an intimate situation with a girl.
But I just felt trapped. I felt deep fear in my chest to be cuddling, kissing and physically intimate. Let alone actually feeling turned out. I felt like I needed to fight. Not them obviously, but I felt like a spur of needing to express myself physically. Like just scream and run a mile with a massive bag of weights attached to me.
So yeah, it’s a bummer.
I just feel no sexual desire.
When I am turned out, occasionally, I can get an erection and eventually finish.
So I know the problem here is low libido.
My sex drive is so low that i just feel nothing sexual towards previous partners (despite desperately wanting to be intimate with them).
Any advice would be appreciated. I start uni in about a week so I’m hoping that’ll lift the huge stress I have at the moment about leaving home.
Cheers