We are at a low point in our marriage looking for lasting change to save things. My wife believes we are sexually incompatible mainly down to desire and frequency. I do have some anxiety issues and PE. Looking for any advice as we (I) are getting quite desperate. Thanks
She’s got the higher drive? How much do you masturbate? Do you watch porn to masturbate?
Anyway, can you engage at all when your wife wishes to be intimate? Or are you often not in the mood?
Need more info. You two can definitely talk with a sex therapist with both parties in the room. Treat it as a couple’s issue, not just a you issue because that’s unfair. With a therapist, can help uncover what really might be going on.
My wife never tells me when wishing to be intimate…says she has stopped trying a while ago as its a turn off for her thinking that I don’t want sex with her. She does have a higher drive yes. Watch a bit of porn but not always probs 50/50
We have the same recurring argument around sex that she thinks I don’t want it. U guess i always felt a bit awkward not just with her…and it’s not that I’m not turned on I guess I have a strong fear of failure. I am trying to sort this hence getting this app. I just hope it’s not too late. Therapy will only work if she buys into it…at the moment I cannot see that.
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I’ve been married 23 years. Sexual incompatible is complete bullshit . My opinion is she’s playing games. My wife has done the same thing in the past. It went from all I want is sex. To we’re not sexually compatible. Back to all I want is sex. Focus on your self for 2 or 3 weeks. With this app and also just as important physically. Sprint interval training three times a week. Basically hiit training. Then on the other three weeks go to the YouTube channel Let’s work out and do that three times a week. Then if you have time start lifting weights. Nothing crazy. Look up peter khatcherian on youtube. Then I promise in three weeks time your going to start hearing all YOU want is sex. It’s a game and it really messes with men mentally
I look forward to reading your success story
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I ment on the other three days not weeks. Monday Wednesday Friday sprint training. Tuesday Thursday Saturday youtube channel Let’s work out.
I believe you can recover. When you say 50/50, is that masturbation is half the time without porn, half with it? The question then is, what is your frequency of masturbation?
As you know, we’ve got our refractory period to contend with. I wonder if you might have more desire and try to initiate more if you masturbated less. Not saying you have a problem of excessive use, but if you already have a low drive, can put things on your side to have a fulfilling sex life with your wife. Do try to initiate, take showers together, admire her body, rub up against her and tell her how hot she is. You got to make her feel wanted, as she doesn’t seem to feel this at the moment from you.
Don’t neglect even the little bids of affection, this can correspond with her love languages, but don’t take her for granted, really express how much you love her. Like see her reading and just look at her, she’ll ask “what is it?” And you’ll say with a flash of a smile how you were just admiring her beauty. Get her to blush again. Make her feel wanted, desired. She doesn’t want to initiate because she doesn’t feel wanted and it’s embarrassing trying when you think the other party is just not interested (rejection sucks, especially when you’re all hot and bothered).
Make every bid of affection you can. Remind her how much you want her. Don’t put pressure on yourself and the ensuing sexual encounters to necessarily have penetration if youre not getting sufficiently hard, but make the effort to be close to her and breathe together, kiss passionately, and go down on her and make her feel you love doing it (because it shouldn’t seem like a chore, project how much of an animal you are and love going down on her).
Sometimes I feel desire can feel like going to the gym, you might feel lazy to go, but you know it’ll be good for you, and you will feel better after anyway. Make the effort, in a relaxed no pressure (on yourself) way, and initiate. You initiating makes your wife feel you want her.
Thanks fir the advice. I masterbate about twice a week.
I have genuinely tried all of the things you have suggested. At the moment anything I do in the way of initiation she will say " you’re only doing this because I brought it up" she does have self-esteem issues which I know is a major issue in all of this but again knowing this doesn’t help. We are just in a really negative space atm and just feel us getting further apart.
You both have issues around this, and again I would highly advise you going to see a sex therapist as a couple. I hope she’s going to be open to it. I think it’s at a crucial point.
It’s hard to figure out the best way to deal with it but open communication would likely help you both. I’m sure the stress and pressure that’s on you doesn’t help the PE. Try some meditations to calm down, even if the stress is from other factors (I.e. work). It should be something you tackle together, it’s not one persons thing to solve. Good luck!
Listen to the podcast therapy session with Ben and Cindy Darnell (awesome sex therapist). Ben and his wife were dealing with sexual issues, and the way Cindy talks about it, it is not one persons fault in a relationship. You and your wife may not be sexually educated, and most people aren’t! It’s not a you problem, it’s a team effort. I really recommend you listen to that series front to back. It has helped me a ton and has opened me up to Cindy’s work. She is a comfort in an area that is very stressful, and will make you more confident in who you are.