Making my wife feel unattractive

I’ve been with my wife for 8yrs (dating for 4yrs) & having struggled on & off with sex & staying hard. It makes my wife feel rejected & undesirable.
She’s been my only partner & we’ve had good times but when it doesn’t work it feels heart wrenching & sad.
We would try to talk about & but I would always say “but I DO want you” when I keep avoiding sex or not initiating any kind of intimacy.
I understand not being able to label my emotions or thoughts about ED (eg spectatoring, inner critic, performance anxiety) starts to unpack what I’m going through, but avoiding intimacy all together has not helped mend our relationship. I’ve definitely not made an effort to make her feel wanted in other ways, & only try to fix things when it’s really bad.
Has anyone else been going through a similar situation?

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That’s perhaps the worst part is trying to communicate that the state of your penis doesn’t reflect your desire. I’ve been dealing with it for a long long time.


Try to please her in other ways. I struggle maintaining an erection, but I love pleasing my partner sexually. Fingering, cunnilingus, using toys with her. Just because you can’t get it up, you can still meet her needs. You’ll both feel more secure in your relationship if you find other ways to help her get off.


I have been in a similar situation. Try having an honest conversation with your partner and explain that the problem is purely psychological and you are working to make things easier (I.e using Mojo). It is important to put yourself first and reassure her that you are going through a process to overcome this issue, like all of us men on here are. It’s a shame that our partners initially feel they are to blame/think we don’t want them which is what I find adds even more pressure on us. Let her know you’re still attracted to her and once she has a better understanding, that should make things easier on the both of you. Like someone else has mentioned, there are other ways in the meantime to meet her needs.


Just stay in your masculine, stay primal in thought, dont worry of thoughts, give in just stay in the moment and give her all your masculine energy, she will be pleased. It takes time to learn but i promise its about the energy of the moment, not the expulsion of mucus that will give her the ultimate pleasure, in turn she will give you her energy.

That’s her choice to view it that and has to do with her own self esteem nor is that response (making it about her) helpful for your needs (instead it creates more pressure, which is kryptonite for your boner). Maybe previously the relationship has been about her needs when now it is the opposite.