Situational performance anxiety

Fear of not being able to perform

No real specific situation now. I find the spectating piece interesting as that is what i do all the time now. During foreplay I can feel the rush of blood and then I am stuck focusing on it…almost cheering it on and that kills my erection. Then I am stuck hoping. The one time I was surprised was when we were watching a movie in bed and my mind must have been focused on that, not leaving the opening for spectating and it helped achieve a normal erection.

If I’m not already hard when my partner initiates foreplay then I already know it’s not going to happen. I need to be fully erect before my partner goes anywhere near me in the first place to convince myself that I will be able to pull through.

Worrying about having sex in the standard “routine” missionary position where I’m always on top and we rut around for 10 or 15 minutes…will the mundane routine sex position stimulate me enough to get hard is the first concern and then once I am hard and we are having sex…I make sure she can orgasm and then I get triggered and worry about whether I will be able to cum which is usually not. Then I often lose my erection or just disengage and call it a night without ever cumming

I always dread us changing positions as once we re-orientate, I think “what happens if I’m not hard enough to insert form this angle” and I often loose it.

heres the thing. Most women dont want to put the condom on for you. Ive asked before, and its always been weirrrrdd. They usually say, uhhh ee you should do it lol. So i dont actually like that advice.

Putting on condoms, switching to certain positions, a super sexually confident woman

For me it’s definitely when she gets on top first, I start off hard and the second she starts to get on top I almost freeze up because my thoughts go straight to “am I hard enough”

Something that’s helped a lot when I get on top first is instead of rushing to penetrate, I rub my penis on her as she finds it quite pleasurable and for me it gives me a few moments to gather myself and get back in the moment

Often times I fore play like even something as minor as spooning watching a movie I’ll be hard. Same with foreplay but then I think there’s a moment in-between there where I’m thinking what if I don’t stay hard. Im also someone who really thinks about consent alot. Maybe too much , like I want to ask if every move I am making is okay and the person I’ve been hooking up with is very forward so I think she’ll think it’s not sexy if I ask can I touch you here.

The transition from foreplay to intercourse, those couple of moments where my partner and I get into ‘position’ are loaded with pressure for me. This is the critical time, I tell myself, when I’m going to lose my erection, the moment I always dread.

Part of it for me is the fear that once intercourse starts that I’ll ejaculate too quickly (sub 1-2 minutes) and disappoint my partner. This has led to increased spectatoring and my being critical of my own performance. Intercourse always ends up being the last part of intimacy and I always make sure to overcompensate during foreplay. When I’m told that my partner is satisfied, I can’t help but feel I’m being lied to in an effort to spare my feelings.

A new pretty girl.

Feeling like I’m not penetrating deep enough

Yes. If I get an erection during foreplay and then I got to put it in and it doesn’t go in the first try, the self critic starts - “oh my god… you’re joking” “this is seriously happening again”
Also thinking about what my partner is thinking about “can’t believe this is happening again”
Then go soft. Also worry big picture that my partner will leave me because of this


I’ve had issues with all aspects of sex. I get hard sometimes but not always. When it comes to putting on a condom I often times can’t get it up. Honestly though, the reason this is happening again is that a few months ago, I tried to have sex with a woman that was coveted in the past. I was way too drunk and I couldn’t get it up or hard enough for penetration. She laughed at me while I was going down on her. Here’s the thing. I didn’t even want to have sex with this woman, but the pressure of society made me feel like I had to. So we tried and failed at the expense of my future erections.

I had these issues years ago and then I moved away for almost a decade, I didn’t really have issues when I was abroad and now that I’m back I’m having this problem again. (The above situation happened two days after I had returned to the USA)

Putting lubricant on my penis breaks the flow and creates a situation where I can stop to think if it is going to work.

Stopping to put on a condom, especially if I start in the wrong direction or don’t get it on fast enough. Another trigger is if I say I’m ready but by the time I try to put it in it has softened just enough that we have to wait until I get a little harder. A lot of the time that brings the show to a very frustrating end.

condom time, or sometimes switching to new/weird positions

Whenever it feels like it’s “time” to move from foreplay or any non penetrative activity to the “big act” of penetration. So things like climbing on top of her for missionary or grabbing some lube. And usually my brain starts thinking about it before it happens, like oh shit it’s time to move to the big act and then I start fixating on that and sort of panicking about it and often get at least somewhat less hard in that moment. And then it’s hard to get out of that head space because I’m sort of beating myself up about it and panicking that it’s happening again