Situational ED in group sex or threesoms

Hey guys, first post on this forum. I’ve been going through the course, pod casts, etc. Everything here is pretty amazing and nothing you can find with a quick search online.

I signed up here for one reason and it’s kind of an odd one but nothing too far out of the ordinary.

Since we met my girlfriend and I have been experimenting our version of an open relationship. We’ve agreed that we can have sex with other people or group sex but nothing that involves feelings like polyamory. Up to this point we’ve gone to swingers clubs a number of times, where two couple will swap and have sex in the same room (foursome). The first time I was able to get hard but it went soft just after putting on the condom and sticking it in the other women for like 30 seconds.

Since then, we’ve done this off an on over a year like around 4-5 times. The times after I couldn’t get hard at all. The other girls were attractive so I can’t say I’m otherwise unable to aroused.

This also happens to me in threesomes. The first threesome was great, but now I can’t for the life of me get it up. Same story as many. I feel completely relaxed but get frustrated over after like 20 minutes of it not happening. I end up doing other things like fingering, licking, etc all the non-PIV stuff.

One-on-one this is almost never a problem unless I’ve drank too much or already had a lot of sex.

I’ve analyzed this a lot and it appears to come down to a few things. One is that, maybe I’m jeolous. However, I’ve been able to get hard with negative feelings before, sometimes even better. Another is, I’ve had lots of sex in my life but with few partners and usually in the bed at home, hotels, different parts of the house. I’m thinking this is lack of practice in new situations. Also, I’ve been very self-concious about not having many partners and I’m at sometimes very depressive about that part. My partner is really understanding in all this. Plus might be worth noting I was in a monogomous relationship for almost 9 years before getting divorced almost 2 years ago.

I’ve wanted to do this for years and now that I can my body is working against me.

There are a lot of things at play here. What do you guys think is the best course of action here?

Hello!
thank you for sharing. First off, let’s take a minute to be grateful that it appears you have a very clear line between problem and potential cause.
Secondly, major congrats on pursuing a fulfilling sexy life that may be nontraditional for some.
Ok. So it seems that it is secret internal dialogue possibly and that mindfulness may be super helpful. You say you are relaxed, but you may not actually be paying attention. Just a thought.
I know that my body has often shown me that my mind has had things up/reactions to things I could get in my conscious mind at the time.