Help with lifelong ED. NEED SOME HOPE

[net-moccasin-crane]

Can anyone share their success stories in overcoming ED? What worked for you,what didnt? I need to restore hope.

Ive struggled w ED, my whole life. First attempt at penatrative sex at 16 took months to be successful. Would be hard until putting condom on, then lose the erection once on. Ultimately ED just went away. Didnt come back…until with a new partner. Would impact me at the start of a relationship, then again, go away and not return.

This pattern continued with almost every new partner. It took less and less time to get over, but was almost always an issue in some capacity at the start of a relationship. After getting past this stage, sex was wildly mind blowing, tantic and multiorgasmic with some partners.

Fast forward to present day, and it now comes up in the middle of my marriage. My wife and i used to have sex multiple times a day, everyday. After a few years, we hardly had any. Almost nothing after kids. Now we are trying to rekindle the fire and I feel numb and completely disconnected from my penis. I hardly have any sensation. No injuries, stopped porn entirely. I’m healthy, fit and exercise daily. But I just can’t get my head, heart and penis to align again. Now its to the point that even self pleasure can sometimes be hit or miss. In my dreams, I’m now in scenarios where I cant get it up… impotent even in my subconscious, not just reality. I used to have negative self chatter in my head…now it feels like that is even gone and my psyche has just resolved to defeat. Its just silence in my head knowing it wont work.

I dont feel like a man as a result. I hardly, “limp-ly,” even feel like a shell of a human being unable to inhabit myself and my masculinity within this human experience.

[loyal-moccasin-python]

Hey man, this sounds really tough. I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with your wife and that ED has come back to haunt you. I’m in a similar position. I’ve always had it in my head, since I was a teenager, and I only ever have it under a kind of temporary control. It’s really flaring up at the moment because my wife and I are trying for a baby and I am STRESSED OUT about it. Every time we try and have sex I feel panicked. And when I go soft its devastating. I feel dead inside, totally disconnected from my body. This is my first time on the site so I’m looking for some answers/help as well. Good luck finding yours.

[noisy-white-lizard]

What I hear in that is you know without a doubt amazing sex is absolutely possible, which is very hopeful. Have you met with a sex therapist? It sounds like it’s a recurring problem, possibly worse now because long-term committed relationships may bring in additional challenges, or something else. I’ve struggled with ED largely brought on by a strict religion that led me to repress my sexuality, but marriage and kids can definitely take their toll on eroticism. I just finished “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel, which is full of revelations about how things can go wrong (sexually) in a relationship and potential ways to get back on track. I highly recommend it. She also has a TED talk that I think touches on the same topic for a sample of her point of view. Generally I think success varies for each man, though. I’ve made great progress in my relationship with my body and I’m honestly just trying to make the time to dive into deeper discussions and exercises with my wife to restore comfort with sex. I have another book recommendation that proposes a couple-based approach to tackling ED if you’re interested.

[noisy-white-lizard]

That scenario sounds really tough. A lot of us panic when we go soft, but I’ve learned it’s normal for erections to come and go in a session, so we just need to relax and try to stay in the moment. Definitely easier said than done sometimes, though, especially with the added pressure of getting pregnant. Meditation can help. It really feels like it’s a matter of letting go of the fear and anxiety, staying present and focused on the sensations of your body. Once you experience some success it builds confidence. You know you can do it again.

[net-moccasin-crane]

@ Python- Hey thanks. My wife and I had similar experiences when trying for our first child. BOTH of us were in our heads way too much. If I wasnt under performing, which felt like a lot of pressure to get it up and get the swimmers to home base, we just werent successful at large w conception when everything did work w my erections. We both just had to stop focusing on the goal and enjoy making love. It did happen and all went well. We even hope to start trying for another child in the near future. Im sure there is an element of this contributing to my current bout, but honestly, this was happening since our first child. I think my wife and I have put so much focus on kids and not keeping our own romance alive, it feels like a new relationship again when trying to rekindle our sex life. It sounds strange to say given that we’ve been a couple for over 10 yrs, but I suspect the feeling of disconnection from my own body is also due to the few last years of disconnect in the relationship. It feels amiss trying for more kids when the rest of the relationship is in need of nuturing. Appreciate your reply. Sending good vibes man and success on all fronts (boners and babies).

[net-moccasin-crane]

@Lizard, appreciate the insight. Im definitely interested in the couples based approach to ED resource you mentioned. Please share. I’ll check out the Ester Perel read/TED too. You highlight a great point about dicussions w your wife. Ive been trying to do the same in order to identify and process old blocks within the relationship…and beyond. A lot of radical honesty and some difficult conversations for sure. I recognize there is defintely an element of not feeling completely safe in my marriage - from a vulnerability standpoint. When sharing some childhood traumas with her, she wasnt receptive or supportive. I definitely closed off and shut down certain aspects of myself and felt restricted with her.

As men, we arent often encouraged to vocalize these emotional issues. Ive been delving into additional work to examine our dysfunctional cutural paradigms of masculinity and redefining true masculinity (take a look at “Iron John” by Robert Bly). It has also motivated me to strengthen the polarity (masculine/feminine) in my marriage.

I have started a few different modalities with different therapists, as well as incorporated the mojo meditations into an existing meditation practice. Really trying to tackle it from all angles.

I also can empathize about strict religious constructs being an impedement to sexuality and sexual expression. I wish you luck, that deprogramming can be a beast. Hope you can find/reconcile a spiritual framework that frees rather than restricts.

I wish Mojo had more testimonials with former users who share HOW specifically they overcame their issues. The recorded therapy sessions are great, but the one on performance anxiety stops just as hes really starting to gain traction. Ill keep at the techniques Mojo highlights, just wish they incorporated more of the journey to “recovery” from the middle and latter perspectives.

[noisy-white-lizard]

First of all the other book I referred to is “Coping with Erectile Dysfunction: How to Regain Confidence & Enjoy Great Sex” (Metz, McCarthy). Interesting and helpful information is sprinkled throughout, but the process I mentioned is in Chapter 8 and Chapter 9 touches on couple styles, which I think is also very important to understand. And then Esther Perel’s work builds on that.

I’m sorry your wife wasn’t supportive when you opened up to her. Maybe she didn’t know what to do with it or how to respond? People’s ability and comfort in talking about sex (especially if you’re in the U.S.) can be so charged with stigma and misunderstandings. Comprehensive sex education would do everyone a lot of good.

Societal expectations of men/masculinity are also a huge problem. Traditionally there’s little to no tolerance, let alone encouragement, for men to be emotional/vulnerable with each other or women, and I think we really need both. I’ll check out that book.

I actually exited the church years ago, but only recently identified the damage of sexual repression that had occurred. I think it is a journey rather than a quick fix for me. I’ve learned a lot with Mojo and several other resources. I’ve been approaching it from many angles as so many issues are related and touch the ED.

I have seen a few testimonials about success, but the general absence of them immediately makes you think there is little to no success being had, which I’m sure isn’t true, but ED is such a nuanced problem, I don’t believe success is one thing for all guys, and it may remain elusive for many. Maybe most guys just stop coming back to the platform once things are working better?

My wife and I stopped having sex several weeks ago because we had established a mechanical session once a week on Saturday mornings that just wasn’t working anymore. We really need to reboot, but it’s damn near impossible to find the time. She’s fortunately very receptive, but constantly spinning on an overwhelming number of things at any given time. We need to redistribute family work to ease her burden before I feel like I can even ask her to engage in this process with me. Plus it’s just hard to start things sometimes. In the meantime, I think we appreciate not having the pressure of the old routine, and I’m working on cultivating my own sexual energy in ways I feared to in the past. I’ve had great success in feeling more comfortable in my own skin and relating to my body, which I believe will help me in partnered sex, but I do feel a bit stalled because of the busyness of life right now.

[urban-violet-boa]

Very similar situation here in marriage. I feel hopeless as you’ve said too. I appreciate you sharing. Always feels good to know you’re not alone.

[sole-yellow-raccoon]

I hear you brother . I never had an issue before but just really recently . Trying to find a solution that works since we are trying to have children

[accurate-plum-narwhal]

It all started after my ex wife left me for another man, I did have a large amount of confidence tho in the dating world. But when it came to the bedroom part i struggled to get hard, then maintain, and orgasm. Fast forward 4 years and my gf and i have been fighting alot and alot has to do with her being worried about us… because im trying to avoid sex, not because im not attracted to her but because im typically ridiculed by her in a way i cum to fast or not at all, cant get hard. My #1 goal is to pleasure her im confident i can, but my brain is constantly casting doubts and i try to over work myself for it to get hard… and it doesn’t so then im laying there making up excuses why or how or why not ive had it.
I do use cialis and fear that leads into it at times as well but i just want to please her. Please help

[noisy-white-lizard]

It’s difficult to have a partner who’s not supportive of what you’re going through. That may be the biggest thing to overcome and will probably require getting on the same page with each other. While we all want to please our partner, that can be a major source of anxiety. One thing you could do that may help is to focus more on your own sensations—what you’re touching and how you’re being touched. I’ve heard this recommended and have practiced it with myself and a partner as a way to get out of my head and into a sexual flow space. Sensate Focus or similar exercises with your partner could also be very helpful to get comfortable with sexual touching and work your way back to intercourse, but that will probably go a lot better with an understanding partner who can contribute to building a safe space.

[muddy-red-silkworm]

Hi All,
I’ve a positive story to tell!
But before I do let’s go back to when I started having issues in the bedroom!

So I suppose I was late bloomer in this field but I’d say I didn’t first full on sexual intercourse experience till I was 22/23. The night it happened it was just one night stand thing, a great night out with the lads and met this lovely girl and one thing lead to another and lone behold I got her back the hotel - game on😃 or at least I thought…
So ya bit of kissing, finger painting and then after a bit we got down to business. But didn’t go to plan
I Had felt really excited but then more nervous and just couldn’t get hard enough. Tried for a bit but just gave up. Your one didn’t really mind too much as we were both fairly bate. So it didn’t bother me too much at the start but it was their at the back of my mind, a bit most days…

Just to jump on a bit, the next few encounters through the years were the same with one or two bad experiences not helping my confidence. It was often on my mind now everyday for a few minutes here and there affecting my mood, bringing me down and putting in a bad head space. I didn’t know what to do🙈
There were times were I had great nights out and got talking to birds and got back to there place and we’d be talking for a bit but in the back of my mind I was dreading the bedroom or whatever. There were times in fairness I had good fun with foreplay and would then be invited to begin intercourse. But literally my mood would just change, confidence would nose dive, literally it was the last place I wanted to be…so uncomfortable
Down through the years I would get off on BJ’s from birds or HJ’s and I would pleasure them so we both got something.

Had gone to the doctor about it, they prescribed me Viagra. Think I tried it a few times no success with drink and one night stands.

Jumping on again, I had been going on dates through the years but nothing steady. But in 2021 I had met this girl and it was going really well and went on a right few dates. 3rd or 4th date it was D-Day but sure enough it happened again. Of course I didn’t say anything to her about it beforehand but to fair she was grand about it. We met up again but only something casual and we’re to meet up again for a proper night but literally last minute she broke it all off. It hurt now🙈 blamed myself for obvious reasons. Even though she said that wasn’t the reason.

I was back to square one again. Starting doing more research again, got another appointment with a doctor told I had performance anxiety…like I didn’t know that and prescribed me Viagra. Didn’t even bother with it.

Found this thing called Mojo😲
Tried the free trial for the week or two whatever it was. Was happy enough with it, so got for the next few months.
Starting doing the exercises and meditation for the first few weeks and listening other people’s stories. Helped so much, took so much weight off me. Like I could breath again, I wasn’t the only one😌

So I had good success but found it hard to keep doing the exercises and meditation in a out of it weeks at a time due to work and what not. At the same time I was still dating but nothing steady. I felt I needed someone solid to get over this.
Lucky enough I did meet this girl I really liked, the second date I managed to come up with the courage to tell her about the issue I was having in the bedroom. But she was 100% about it and said she was too a nervous enough person in the bedroom.
Didn’t happen the first time which annoyed me but we tried again after another night different weekend and yes SUCCESS
I’m 29 now that was some struggle from 22/23 but I solved it in just 7/8 months.
Hope this gives everyone the encouragement to keep trying.
Thanks Mojo for all the help

[sore-fuchsia-scallop]

Thanks for sharing man! I have issues since day one, when I was 16. Always thought it was physical. I convinced myself it was, read a lot about no PMO and all that stuff. I am ready to give it a try. I’m wondering if you to thought it was physical at first. I’ve started to notice that all my life is around performance so lately I made the math and it adds up I guess. When I masturbate nothing happens, sex without cialis is practically impossible. I am almost 100% hard only before ejaculating. I scheduled some physio to help. Any advice? Can you relate to some of this?

[accurate-plum-narwhal]

here we go my wife wants sex, she is worried about our relationship, she is expecting sex tonight.
my fear of losing her due to this ed is over whelming me i cant shake the feeling im going to fail at it, and in turn she will be upset, think its about her (its not im extremely attracted to her) and walk away or find someone else who can. how can i get this inner critic to get off my back!!!

[muddy-red-silkworm]

Well for me I had thought intially that it was physical but soon realized that it couldn’t be, as I always had good erections and could maintain it when I was stimulated via my own imagination or porn.But more the latter.
Another thing I didn’t mention was I don’t watch porn any more or at least for several months anyway. But do I have good gander on Instagram suppose it’s soft porn really .
I think if you are in a relationship it’s important to talk about these things, on what they can do to help, not to have expectation that’s it’s always going to happen and to be patient. (If not it is definitely more difficult, I know) As discussed on the app the mind is a complex thing and one negative thought for a second can throw you off your game. All you can do is reset and try again later

I still get nervous and those thoughts still come to mind at time’s but I know I can overcome it. Just on Viagra it is good back up if you feel your lacking that bit of confidence as you said you have good erections. But wouldn’t advocate to use it all the time just not good in the long run because if your overwhelmed with nerves or anxiety ain’t going to do I think for you.

Also just on another thing to try which I had read somewhere before on sex positions. If with a woman having a pillow under there hips raises up their vagina and just lifting their knees back a bit towards to their chest a bit gives better access to that area. I always use to rush to get it in but found it difficult and would panic and lose it. Where as this was easier and if you do lose it was easier to stimulate yourself again

[muddy-red-silkworm]

Sorry to hear that. She has to realize that’s putting serious pressure and expectation on you. You need to have a good chat with her on it, you need support. It’s got to be a team effort. Takes two to tango

[visual-tomato-fly]

I can get an erection no problem when I masturbate, and can usually get hard when I start fooling around with a woman. The trouble it is maintaining it once I actually take off all my clothes. A cock ring helps me maintain it for penetration, but it always feels like I’m less of a man for needing an aid like that (plus it doesn’t help as much as I’d like for when she wants to be on top).

[accurate-plum-narwhal]

We talked tonight explained everything to her she said she understands and it doesn’t effect her, or our relationship, so inner critics wants me to believe that shes just saying that not to harm me or hurt my feelings, trying to faze out that critic.

[adorable-moccasin-bug]

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I can totally relate as it has happened throughout my marriage and really hit my confidence. I feel like my guilt also means that I’m desperate to please my wife in other (non sexual) ways to try and take the focus off my sexual failures.

I really resonated with the not getting it up in dreams. I feel like my brain is wired now to be not being able to get hard and it’s got into my subconscious. It’s also hard to ‘get over’ as reminders of sex, expectations of men are everywhere so I feel like my mind is obsessed with ‘my soft cock’ every day which obviously leads to confidence issues.

The Mojo stuff is absolutely excellent and I think I really need to talk to my wife. She sees every failure as rejection and has blown up in the past with frustration at the problem. Feel at a bit of a dead end at the moment!

[net-moccasin-crane]

Yes, the emergence in dreams is concerning. Just goes to show how ingrained this pattern of thinking has become. I echo your feeling of trying to overcompensate in other areas. Ive found that Ive become more agreeable to whatever she is proposing even when I dont agree inside at times. This has created even more issues in destabilizing the polarity (masculine/feminine) in our relationship. By essentially giving away my voice, not acting with confidence and just trying to be agreeable in efforts to please her without restriction, I have sacrificed other parts of our male/female dynamic. As a result, my wife has taken on more of the masculine characteristics (confidence, decision making, etc). Ive realized this has just made the ED, as well as the romantic flames in our relationship worse. She feels restricted in inhabiting her feminine just as I do in the masculine.

To be clear, I’m not talking about masculine (or feminine) polarity in a manner to be misconstrued as “toxic,” but rather in the more archetypal sense.

I have been working on restoring this balance this and do believe that by restoring polarity in our relationship, it will also help ED… along side the Mojo work and especially, some demon hunting as to what is creating these blocks, past traumas/negative belief patterns/etc that I cannot fully show up sexually.