Hello all,
I’ve been having ED since I was 21 so I’ll try to share 10 years of overthinking in one short post.
After a few teenage fumblings and drunken one-nighters, I met someone when I was 21 and spent 4 weeks sober in her bed trying and failing to get it up. Something then clicked and I was hard every time for a 6 year relationship. Then with a new partner at 27, same again.
I cheated on someone I loved JUST to try and prove to myself that my dick works. I got drunk, cheated, and regretted it. I then went into a half-arsed relationship with that person and didn’t get it up more than thrice in 6 months. I was so miserable. ED has truly ruined some great relationships and stolen too much time from me. Now I’m with someone new at age 31 trying to work out what the fudge is wrong with me.
A conversation with my sister helped me work something out: she doesn’t sleep with anyone until they’ve been dating for 6 months. I think the idea of masculinity in the media (that includes movies, boastful friends, and porn) makes us all believe we should be ready and rock solid for any lover at the drop of a hat. Why is it abnormal for guys to be slow about wanting to jump into bed with someone but not for women?
I’ve kept a secret dick diary recently with little descriptions like “dangly and confident”, “soft and sluggish”, “pronounced and pre-cummy” with my new partner as we get to know each other. They told me on the first date that not fucking on the first date was a red flag for them. I challenged them and we had a good conversation about the sexual education that we’ve both received. I learned about sex through awkward parental conversations, porn, and lessons in the mechanics of it all at school. I learned nothing of the psychology of it all until I started getting into relationships. They learned about sex in a different way. Their mother told them about the best orgasms she’s had, what their father was like in bed, etc etc. So we were both approaching sex from different perspectives.
I’ve eaten many sardines in my life, drank ginger tea all day, done mindfulness, quit drink and cigarettes and weed, done yoga, sport, oysters, coconut water… everything the internet has told me to do for a better boner. Then therapy. But after going through a few relationships in my 20s I’ve realised that my mind and body need time to recover and recharge from heartbreaks, to regain confidence from flaccid fumbling failures, and my hormones (yes, men have them too!) sometimes just work at their own pace. After all, sex starts in the brain according to these fantastic mojo resources!
I don’t have any profound conclusion because I’m still a nervous mess in bed but hopefully these words inspire some thoughts in y’all. I’ll let you know how it goes with my new lover. I’m getting there though… I can feel it in my mind, heart, stomach, and dick.
Sending positive vibes to you all.