Coming To Terms with 10 Years of ED

I’m at a crossroads in my life right now. I’ve had full blown ED for 10yrs and I’m only coming to terms with it over the last 2yrs as I thought it would fix itself, like a wound would heal itself.

I’m realising that the cause is emotional and a matter of re-programming my perspective on intimacy and shame.
I thought it was induced by porn but porn was the distraction. There’s been 2 periods in the last year where I’ve gone 4-6 weeks without ejaculating and I’ve never felt better. What’s caused me to “slip back” was allowing my emotions to get the better of me.

I’d love to be in an intimate relationship but any time I bring a girl home I hide the fact of my ED and I can’t be honest. I had a Friends With Benefits scenario recently and realised I was using her as a toy, treating her as a means for self-pleasure and not as a human, and that’s when I knew I had to do some introspection.

I can get pleasure but I can’t love as I cannot give all of myself, at least not yet. I would love to be honest, whole and love someone and not have to worry about performance.


Best of luck on your journey. I’ve started telling people on dating apps that I have a low libido right from the start. I find it takes off so much pressure and then if it goes any further it saves awkward conversations later. Hope you can get to the bottom of your emotional hurdles and find your way back to fulfilling intimacy, whatever that means for you.


It sounds as though you have been doing a lot of thinking recently. This is a helpful start. Mojo will help you begin to understand what is going on in your head and your body. Shame is very normal around sexual issues - generations of sexual shame. The antidote to shame is empathy. Try and stay curious, if you can without judgement, if you can’t just notice it and try and work on your self compassion. Also learning how to communicate with partners will be helpful, sharing your anxieties can be so helpful for you and your partners. Good luck with things, it sounds like you are begining to ‘nurse’ your ‘wounds’ : )