Mutual support for men who have sex with men

Just thought I’d start a topic so that gay, bi and other men who have sex with men (including me!) can share experiences and seek support.

Clearly a lot of our experiences overlap with those of straight guys, but there are issues which are specific to us too, such as internalised homophobia, the top/bttm/vers dynamic, and how easy it is to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to our partners.

I’ll probably come back to this at some point to share my own story, in the hope that it’ll help in some way. But in the meantime, please feel free to use this topic to reach out to others in our community.

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Thanks for posting :slight_smile: it’s great to see how many LGBT+ folk have been willing to share their experiences

I think it’s super valuable to see recognition of some of the extra complexities and differences which can be involved in LGBT+ relationships - otherwise it’s so easy to think you’re alone or that nobody else is experiencing a similar problem

As a gay guy myself, I’ve had a couple of uncomfortable experiences feeling some performance anxiety, which was pretty unnerving! Prior to working with Mojo, I didn’t have a great understanding of what that would be, or why it would happen. I think for me, that’s mostly rooted in more general self-esteem, but it’s a little hard to tell.

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Thanks for replying - it’s good to know that there’s a gay dude working at Mojo. It’s also great that we’re accepted into this community. Some more LGBT-inclusive materials (such as the listen-in therapy sessions) would be really useful.

Fwiw, my inner critic is constantly comparing me with partners. Being vers, I’m always shaming myself for not being able to give my partners the experience they can give me. Definitely not great for my self-esteem either!

I’m single atm, so it’s very easy just to settle into a pattern of bottoming all the time to avoid the fear/shame/impact on my self-esteem - and even then I feel ashamed for not outwardly showing that I’m aroused. I feel like I’m living half a sex life sometimes. Hopefully joining this community can change that.

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This is something we’re super aware of :slight_smile: There’s a huge number of demographics, situations etc we’re really keen to include in all of the content which features members, plus there’s a similar problem with the mindful masturbation audio

It takes a lot of effort and time to produce new content, but we’re committed to making sure representation gets continuously better - just a matter of time!

Yeah… I’m in exactly the same situ :sweat_smile: It feels like a weird mix of being kinda false and settling into a non-ideal arrangement, but anything else seems uncomfortable/risky

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Totally with you on that last point. I dunno about you but I don’t think a non-ideal arrangement would work for me in the long term, hence why I need to try to get this issue sorted.

As for representation… Like I said, I actually think there’s a lot of overlap between gay/bi and straight guys when it comes to this issue. It’d actually be good if we could hear more about single guys’ journeys, as both of the fellas who took part in the therapy seemed to rely on the support of a long-term partner a lot - not an option for all of us!

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Yeah, I do the bottoming default thing. It often just feels like the easiest thing to do… and saves me from trying to top and getting embarrassed!

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I’m married to another guy but in an open relationship. We don’t have sex anymore… not because of any dick issues we just don’t find each other sexy anymore. I did lots of cruising in the 80s and 90s… Hampstead Heath, parks, cottaging, underpant jack-off clubs etc. All anonymous sex and I didn’t have any dick problems. Later I was seeing one guy and had no problems… he kinda ‘worshipped’ me. Perhaps that helped? But a couple of other guys who I found a bit intimidating… well I always needed viagra with them as I couldn’t fully relax. As I’ve got older the ED thing has got worse… I can ‘get there’ but it takes longer to get fired-up. Also I seem to very easily get distracted, start ‘spectatoring’ and lose the mood. I’ve been trying fetish stuff to see if that helps my mojo… perhaps being gay (and living in London) makes accessing these things a bit easier. Anyway, I’ve been to some full on fetish events just wearing a jockstrap and boots. Also tried some piss scenes too. Exploring some of these new avenues has helped a bit… but I’m not there yet.

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I used to be a totally versatile guy; probably more top than bottom. But at some point this shifted due to performance anxiety and I started to define myself as more bottom or mostly bottom even though in my head, this isn’t something I necessarily wanted (I enjoy bottoming by the way as well but enyoy being a top too! ) I am into kinky sex so there is a whole world beyond penetration but my anxiety didn’t really help and affected how I enjoy other aspects of sex too.
But last weekend, things went on a bit differently…! Meditations on this website are great and I feel I am learning a lot about myself, discovering and noticing a lot of thoughts, sensations etc. Last weekend I had a nice sex session where I was comfortably topping someone. It felt really good. I did a mini meditation sitting next to the canal, outside in the park, and then met the person (random hook up btw). And I used the techniques as much as I can during sex. I am meditating daily. Negative thoughts are still flying around but I feel their volume is getting lower. Anyone experiencing similar things?

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That’s great fo hear! The first half of your comment sounds very familiar. The second half… Less so. I’m still engaging in a load of avoidant behaviour as I feel like I’ve had my fill of setbacks for the time being. Even bottoming is losing its appeal because it feels like a cop-out. But anyway, your post has given me a bit of hope! Really good to hear you’ve been able to put some of this stuff into practice man. I’ll be sure to update this forum if/when I’m able to do the same.

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I am so happy that my post gave you hope and it should!

I think one of the best things about this platform is that it demystified the issues I have been experiencing. and I am talking about 15 years of struggling with getting it up. My story: If it doesn’t work then being worried about it not getting up. If I can get it up, then worrying about it won’t last long. If I can get it up and manage to penetrate then constantly assess whether it is still there.

I also strongly recommend listening to the therapy sessions. For me, it was remarkable to notice how similar the experiences are… the thought process, what the negative voice is saying, how that makes the person feel, what the person feels when they can’t get it up or if they can get it up what concerns it brings etc. Listening to the sessions has taken away the feeling of isolation and I noticed how I internalised this problem, how I have been ignoring my penis, the bitter love-hate relationship I had with it. Because for the past 15 years it was only giving me anxiety!
I also followed the exercises the therapist gave to her patient- I think they were also great to understand what has been going on.
I think mojo provides great tools to understand . My take on is that, at the moment I am not necessarily trying to get it up- I am rediscovering pleasure, redefining sex again as something fun rather than a task that requires performance. It isn’t about success, not about progress but a journey to rediscover pleasure and make peace with your penis. And getting it up happens as a result. I am excited and I feel I am on the right track, I will keep you posted.

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Oh man, thanks for sharing. I have the same story and sometimes things work well (after meditation and other techniques) and listening to what you said makes me feel even more hopeful.

Let’s conquer our anxiety and be the tops we always wanted to be!!

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Hi! :wave:t2:

I’ve literally just joined the site and am hoping I can get the help I need.

I’m gay, and now in my early 40s, but I can think back to losing my erection during sex in my mid 20s. I possibly think this was alcohol related, because when I went on a night out, I drank like there was no tomorrow. And losing my erection didn’t happen every time. Having said that, I do remember times being blind drunk and still having an erection that lasted ages, so I’m not 100% sure if that was the reason it started happening.

Nowadays, it happens all the time. It’s frustrating me more and more as I have a husband who I adore. I can achieve an erection pretty much ok with some kissing, but soon it will be gone for good.

I’ve recently spoken to a doctor who believes it to be a psychological issue. And I should mention I eat quite healthy, don’t smoke, and don’t drink often anymore.

I do wonder if my past experiences and memories of it happening, have developed into the anxiety issues I have today. It feels like it’s all I think about at the moment, 24/7.

I also can’t shake the feeling of it being a physical problem that wasn’t obvious, because I can often maintain an erection if I lay perfectly still in bed just before sleep (or in the morning), but the moment I sit up or stand up, it goes down instantly.

Over the past 4 years I’ve been doing kegel exercises in an effort to help, and though I can definitely say I now have much stronger erections than I’ve ever had before (when I get them!), this hasn’t solved the problem fully.

My main goal is to be relaxed and confident in my ability when I’m with my husband, because I want more than anything for us to regularly be able to enjoy being intimate together. I don’t want to be constantly putting it off like I am now.

I really hope this site can provide some help for me!

Anyway, that’s my rather unexpectedly long story :joy::joy: I swear I only started this post to say hello and introduce myself, and it turned into an essay!!

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Hey there! I am 25 years old and gay and I’ve found Mojo very helpful. I’ve had some how your same problems and currently I’m in a relationship.

Mojo has helped a lot the meditations are very helpful, and I can see a difference already. Previous experiences have led me to be very anxious when having a sexual encounter and talking to my partner has also helped a lot.

Hope Mojo is as much help for you as it has been for me!

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Great to hear you’ve had some success and that the Mojo has helped you! That’s awesome! Great to know the techniques can really help :slightly_smiling_face:

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First: Thanks mojo for being the only ED thing I found (psychological, chemical, or mechanical) that didn’t shy away from gay men like we were going to scare away all your straight customers! I can’t tell you how much it means that the opening survey questions never assume the gender of your partner! @jb-mojo - please relay my thanks to the staff!

I’m a 59 year old gay man - together 29 years with my husband. We recently re-opened up our relationship (it was open in the early years, but then functionally closed while we raised two kids) - and while meeting folks and having great sexual adventures is happening… my hard-on is not.

I’m mostly a bottom (which I love) - but I still like to get hard and cum. (Hey medical establishment: would you stop rating ED difficulty based on how much penetration you can do? Looking at you, IIEF!) As others have noted, it is easy to take the “total bottom” role, and explain away your limp dick. No man has complained… but I’m not happy with this. What’s worse, it’s started to affect even my masturbation sessions.

Despite my age - I’m pretty sure the issue isn’t physical: I"m in great shape, eat very healthy, and am active - making blood flow an unlikely issue, and I’m horney all the time, so don’t think it’s low T. And then there’s the smoking gun: I had this same kind of issue in my mid-20s…

Okay okay - as always, I wrote a novella… Thanks for all listening. I’m really really really glad there are others of you here on this same journey.

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Just wanted to post a quick update! (You can read my first post above) :slightly_smiling_face:

So over the past few weeks, I’ve been having lots of lovely erections! Ones that have felt much more satisfying and more ‘confident’ than I’ve known for a long time. And I’ve had a few extremely enjoyable and hard “sexual events” with my hubby too. I’m also finding myself feeling much more relaxed and calm in general everyday life, which is a fantastic bonus I wasn’t expecting.

Whilst I still don’t think I’m there 100%, I definitely feel like my confidence in myself has strengthened a huge amount, and I felt really relaxed and confident the most recent time we had sex. I now feel like I can get there even more and hopefully it will be 100% in the very near future.

I still get days and moments where the confidence wavers and leans into sexual anxiety, but I’m getting much better at putting my mind at ease and letting go of the worries rather than letting them build.

I definitely feel like Mojo has helped me. Though I should mention I’ve also been doing autosuggestion (a technique used to ‘speak’ to your subconscious) at the same time as using Mojo, which might have been helping too. But I’m leaning more towards Mojo being the major factor, as the meditation techniques have impacted me on a few levels.

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Hi possible-red-canid! I hope you can find the help you need with this site. It’s certainly helped me a great deal.

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Same man, awesome. Now I’m getting to understand that, it could not work everytime and not everyday is a great day, bur after a bad day there will be a good one so, keep in going.

The spontaneous erections now are soooo good. They made me smile and this gives even more confidence.

I’m happy things are working out for you too.

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That’s awesome! Really glad to hear things are getting better for you too!:grin:

I’m still learning to accept that not every day will be the same, and just to relax on the off days and don’t let it knock your confidence.

Things are going really good though! And yes I agree the spontaneous erections are the best aren’t they! They do feel so good!

I’ve also been getting a lot of evening wood now as well as morning wood :laughing: