Fear of topping

I’m a bi guy and I consider myself vers.
I only started having sex with guys a few years ago and a couple of times after bottoming I was supposed to top but it wouldn’t work out, and I basically carried on that anxiety also in my sexual life with my female partner.

I’m now at the point where I just masturbate or if we decided to have sex I bottom, for fear of not being able to stay hard.
I’ve noticed that if the pressure is taken off me having to be hard, then I can have a solid erection but still haven’t tried topping in a while for fear of failure.

Has anyone else turned to bottoming as a response to this kind of anxiety? Is there a way back?

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I’m a total bottom because of ED. The few times I’ve successfully topped were thanks to Viagra. So, I understand your anxiety. I’m on Mojo because I want to become versa. You might be interested in this article: https://www.advocate.com/love-and-sex/2021/8/31/switching-how-try-bottoming-if-youre-top-and-vice-versa#rebelltitem1

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@mysterious-crimson-snail

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Thank you so much for the article.
I’m anxious sometimes cause people expect me to top them so it’s not something that happens organically. Weirdly enough when there’re no such expectations then I have no problem with it.

Doing the course is making me feel much more confident already.

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@mysterious-crimson-snail you’re welcome. I enjoy bottoming, but I’d like to be able to top too. It seems like I’m making progress with this app. I have a sex friend with ED who’s a top and because anal penetration isn’t always an option, we do other non-penetrative stuff. There’s less pressure and we manage to have a good time. Have you tried using cockrings or other aids to get/stay hard?

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I don’t hate bottoming, but it really doesn’t do anything for me. I’m one of those weird guys who doesn’t seem to be able to achieve that glorious P-orgasm everyone raves about.

So as a top, I’m quite frustrated. I’ve “turned to bottoming,” but most of the guys I’ve tried to hook up with are really expecting to be topped.

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Yeah but it seems to be very much person-dependant :joy:
I haven’t really tried topping a guy of late but with my female partner things are definitely on the up

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The main issue for me is this kind of expectation: having to fulfil someone’s wish list. I wish people invested more into going with the flow and just letting whatever happens happen. I usually perform much, much better when I set the lowest kind of expectations but then things go a different way.

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I think a good part of my problem is a lack of nuance when it comes to sex. Setting the “lowest kind of expectations” for me, at worst, means setting myself up for failure; at best, it means planning to go bowling instead. :laughing:

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I think it depends on how you meet the guy. If it’s in person, like at cruising spot, there’s a lot of room for spontaneity.

If it’s online, there’s usually an entire text conversation about likes/dislikes (with pics) before the hook-up. On the one hand, you know what he’s into and how to pleasure him. But on the other hand, it may feel mechanical once you’re actually having sex.

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Absolutely! I think likes and boundaries are a nicer way to negotiate the sexual space rather than setting up expectations. And I understand that some things need planning, but I feel that if it’s not organic then as you said it feels mechanical and kind of like fulfilling contractual obligations

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Yeah I’ve been in a similar situation for years until recently. I used to be primary a top but a combo of dealing with my bottom shame, and meeting the right guy got me exploring the other side and now I enjoy both. However, my inability to get and stay hard caused so much anxiety that I rarely topped.

Post pandemic I’ve resumed dating and hooking up (single here) and have been working toward topping more. So far the guys I’ve topped have been understanding and patient. I’ve just told them I am a bit nervous, in part, because I usually need more of an emotional connection and because they’re fucking hot. That helped to up the intimacy and took the pressure off.

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I know exactly what you mean. When I first began my sexual journey at 23, I was able to get hard, stay hard, and top or bottom without issue. Now I am 30 and I can still get and maintain an erection while bottoming, but when I try to top I lose it. I’m in a long term relationship with a guy who doesn’t bottom much and hasn’t, but is open to it. Me, being verse, want to express my love both ways when penetrating.

I try to think back to when it started for me and it has to be a string of guys who left after having sex with me. Like a checklist. Maybe I am afraid that he will leave me after? I don’t know, I hope Mojo is able to help me maintain while topping.

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I am verse and would like to top more. But with ED, I tend to bottom more. Like some of you, I get hard while bottoming but as soon as I top, I lose it. It happens when I switch positions or topping after bottoming, it goes away. I do get that inner critic where I already expect to get soft in certain positions, or after giving myself a rest if I dont want to cum too soon. Sometimes I get too self conscious when the bottom is sexier / taller / bigger, etc. I’ve turned to using Viagra but it makes me flushed and stuffy and my partner thinks I have a cold or something. It is frustrating and hopefully Mojo could help me fix these issues.

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Totally get this. I’m 34 now and have had ED issues for a few years…only recently found Mojo and it’s great to see others in the came boat! I love the idea of topping and have had great experiences in the past as a top. Now I’m in a long term relationship and everytime I go to top I go soft. Then my inter critic comes along and the anxiety kicks in. Now even before topping, the thought that foreplay might lead to sex and that I need to be hard to top makes me soft! Which obvs kills the mood!

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I was a top for the last 12 years of a relationship - that has now ended. Most of the time I never had any issues staying hard. But over the last 2 years I’ve had to totally abandon topping (unless using Viagra - but even then …) and only bottom now because I have such performance anxiety. I often can’t get properly hard even when bottoming - as I’m so anxious that I’ll just go soft. It’s a really viscous circle that I just can’t seem to break out of. I really miss being a top. Hoping Mojo will help me stop this spiral of anxiety.

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Im glad this is a topic. I started off as a bottom but originally wanted to top and switched because of my first sexual experience. Then just stuck with it because i associated bottoming with emotional connection i wasnt getting anywhere else. I want to top and when i can get hard i enjoy it. But i have only been able to cum from any penatrativr sex either top or bottoming a handful of times in the last 10yrs because i get in my head and lose my erection and just have spiraled since my last relationship 9 yrs ago. So now im a side but would like to do all the things when i want to without the baggage and inability to get hard.

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Totally same here! At least we’re not alone!!

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Thanks for the reply buddy. I’ve only been using Mojo a few days, but it feels like taking that step (trying to find help) is already giving me a bit of a confidence boost.

I hope things work out for you & that you’ll be back topping before you know it.

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In so thankful for these insightful comments. I don’t actually know what I am in terms of top/bottm/vers/side, as it all depends of the energy between myself and a guy. Its hard to know which way its meant to go. I do know that when it comes too topping I’ve slowly lost my way, and rarely if ever can I get past my own blocks in my head to enjoy this. I was also fully vers with my ex fiancé, but that was a particular emotionally abusive relationship that I still dont think I’ve come back from in terms of healing (its been almost a decade now). My last relationship (6.5 years ago) he was a total top, so I bottomed a lot… and although I enjoyed it for the most part, he just wasn’t interested in my dick, so it felt like an unwanted guest in the bedroom. And I just kinda gave up on it too. Its taken me a long while to reclaim a sense of confidence again. Does this resonate with anyone?

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