Hey everyone, I am brand new to Mojo and I have a question regarding one of the issues for why I signed up. I’ve been dating an amazing guy for a few months now. Before we started dating I almost only bottomed, it had been at least two years since I last topped anyone. My new boyfriend is very versatile, so obviously I want to top him when he’s in the mood for that. So far I’ve been struggling with it though.
I can feel anxious/stressed at times about wanting ensure I do a good job topping and make him feel good, which often results in me struggling to get/stay hard which can further discourage me and undermine my confidence. I do think I’ve slowly improved a bit, but still get anxious about all of it and pretty much always struggle to get/stay hard when I’m trying to top him. Probably related I think I can sometimes be insecure about if I am “hot enough” or “good enough” for my boyfriend which can discourage me sometimes.
Do any of you have advice on how to adjust to being comfortable and confident topping more? Maybe about getting into the mindset of it, how to enjoy it more, or other personal insights or ideas. Are there any particular exercise on Mojo you think can help?
Really appreciate any feedback from yall!
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I have the exact same issue. I’m not in a relationship at the moment, and hookups can really be intimidating sometimes. If I’m ever chatting to a guy before, and I mention that I want to top, I get very much in my head about wether or not I’ll be able to stay hard enough to actually top, and how embarrassing it will be if I don’t.
I guess I’m coming to realise that this cycle of being anxious about it all is actually what’s causing the issue. I can’t enjoy it in the moment because I’m spending too much time worrying about how it is going or if I’m doing good enough.
I’ve found that the breathing exercises really help to just clear my head, especially the box breaths. It sort of detaches you from the anxiety that you’re feeling about it, and can allow you to return to the moment that you’re in.
Whilst I don’t think it works immediately, it’s about having a tool to allow you to step away from the anxiety to learn that once you’re in the right headspace, you can enjoy yourself and also be a good partner for the person you’re with.
The breathing exercises sort of seem a bit strange to pull out in the middle of sex, but from my experience most guys are super friendly, and won’t mind. Opening up to your partner about it would probably help a lot too, as I doubt he’d mind giving you the space in the moment that you need to just re-centre yourself.
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Thank you so much, I really appreciate your perspective and advice about this! I only got the app today so we will see how things go but they breathing exercise does seem like it’ll be able to help I hope.
I agree with easy Scarlett.
Opening up and being vulnerable it a turn on for most ppl. I opened up to my gf about my PED and death grip- she’s been super supportive!
Also- a simple breathing exercise in the moment is breathe ing in normal to deep, but exhaling slower than you inhale. Not as complicated as box breathing, but it’s still controlled and super simple.
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Thanks for the advice, I have talked with him before about this which I does helps me feel more comfortable, but didn’t fully stop my anxiety about the situation. I can definitely see how that breathing exercise and the box breathing may help!
Do you actually enjoy topping? I get that you want to do it for your boyfriend but if it’s not what you generally, genuinely enjoy I suspect it’s going to be a struggle.
Could you maybe break out some toys when he wants to be penetrated? If you’re in the mood, great, but if not it could take the pressure off you. I bought a double ended dildo for when me and husband both in a hungry mood. It’s a lot of fun.
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I do enjoy topping him, it feels physically good for me and I enjoy seeing how he feels when I do. Broadly I do prefer bottoming and before I started dating my boyfriend when I would hook up with guys it would always default to me bottoming if we had sex since the other guys I saw would tend to prefer topping. But I never saw anyone consistently enough since my last ex a while ago to feel comfortable and much desire topping.
There’s never been a time before when I was consistently topping, so I am kinda just trying to learn as I go you could say, and try to become more comfortable being in a relatively unfamiliar position. Kinda related to that I do think I suffer from comparing myself to much. My boyfriend has a lot of past sexual experiences (which isn’t a bad thing!), and I think part of my anxiety with topping him sometimes is worrying how I as a relatively inexperienced top compare to others who he’s previously had sex with.
We did recently get a double sided dildo, and have some other dildos as well which we’ve used a bit before, so that trying to incorporate those more may help.
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Don’t be intimidated by the fact your guy has a lot of sexual experience- hopefully it means that he’s experienced enough to know what he likes and can express it to you…
currently single but i’m on here because this is my main issue. i’ve topped before and loved it, but then the meds i was on made it impossible for me to get hard. i’ve always had sexual anxiety—if i’ll be able to get hard, if i’ll be “good enough”—but being on Mojo has made me realize how bad it actually is, regardless of whether i’m topping or bottoming.
the relaxation and inner coach exercises on here have helped me. try working on developing an encouraging, positive inner voice. i imagine mine as a confident and sexual version of myself that says things like “this feels fantastic, i enjoy doing this, i deserve to feel pleasure, etc.” i’ve practiced by jerking off since i’m only just putting myself out there again but i’ve already found it makes a difference and helps me stay in the moment.
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oh, and the kegel/reverse kegel exercises here have helped me a lot.
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Thanks so much for your advice, I really appreciate it! I’ll def try out the inner coach stuff more. And I also think the kegels have been helping me too
Also try to do some of the mental exercises, especially the ones that keep negative thoughts at Bay. I am in a similar situation – I haven’t talked in years, enjoy bottoming, but my BF of one year wants me to top him every once in a while. When I try, I immediately feel guilty for the time he spent getting clean, what if I’m not hard, what if it doesn’t feel good, you get it – the moments lost. I have found some of the exercises on Mojo that focus on preventing those negative thoughts very helpful