Navigating gay partner's expectations about sex, masturbation

My partner and I (both men) have been together for five years and married for two. Before we got together, he had previously been a top in most of his sexual encounters, and I had previously bottomed in most of mine. The second time we hooked up, I topped him without any problems, despite having performance anxiety with previous partners (both male and female) in the past.

Our sex life has been exciting, satisfying, and pretty adventurous at times (fun threesomes and hookups with other couples), but there have also been long dry spells and frustrating periods. These issues have mostly arisen because my partner says he has grown tired of topping all the time and that he wants to bottom for me more often.

Although I am occasionally successful, most times I’ve tried to top him in the past two years have left us both disappointed, if not depressed, by the outcome: him lubed up and ready to receive me, me asking for a few more minutes to get hard, my limp dick in my hand. His expressions of disappointment, coupled with the performance anxiety that has carried over from previous partners, leaves me almost dreading initiating sex, which I’m afraid he’ll turn down unless I’m able to top him.

Another component of this situation is that I really enjoy masturbation and the intimacy that can come from masturbating with other guys. My partner and I masturbate together regularly, but it’s often simply functional (busting a nut before bed) instead of intimate. He tends to view masturbation (and, to a lesser degree, oral sex) as foreplay leading up to penetration.

It would perhaps be easier if I could just say we have different sexual interests, but the truth is that I do want to top him—but without this feeling of anxiety or obligation hanging over the situation. I’m really excited and encouraged by this site, and especially curious about talking with other gay/bi/queer men who have dealt with performance anxiety in same-sex encounters.

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I am also in a somewhat similar situation. I’ve been in a gay male relationship for about 12 years, we always had good sex, but we primarily were very into oral sex. We only did anal sex occasionally and when we did we would take turns essentially because we both biased more as bottoms. Over the last few years my partner was wanting me to top him much more frequently, which wasn’t initially a problem, but one time I suddenly couldn’t get hard enough to penetrate. He was understanding, but it started breaking my confidence and the next few times it was hit and miss. So then I asked my doctor and he gave me a prescription for cialis. It certainly helped but I still found it didn’t always work, which really made me think it must be in my head. My partner started to be more frustrated while still being somewhat understanding. All this pressure had really made sex feel more stressful than exciting.

One more thing that probably triggered some of the pressure, was that we went to a gay nude resort a couple years ago. My partner is a bit of an exhibitionist and was turned on if other guys could see us having sex. So we later had gone to some sex parties where he wanted me to top him in front of other guys, that’s when the erection issues started to hit much more often. So it’s not only the pressure from him but other people witnessing it. Also on times where we’re just at home, he will spend time to prep himself before bottoming and if I can’t get it up, he feels frustrated after spending time getting himself ready for anal sex.

I was starting to search the internet for any answers and came across Mojo which I’m happy I found. It’s good to know ED is a lot more common than I thought and that it’s even happened to younger guys. I’ve been learning a lot watching these lessons and hope that I can put it into practice. I’ve talked to my partner and he’s really happy I found this site and hopes it will help our situation.

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