Ive only just joined this ckmmunity, because to be honest im at the end of my rope and getting to a point where i coild be appraoching the end of my marriage, so im willing to try anything.
I have been convinced from the start that my problems in the bedroom were physical, but time and time again my doctor tells me all my tests come back normal and suggests that its likely a psychological issue, so here i am.
I just started this trial and was kind of surprised when i hit the “inner voice” part because ive always noticed that i am ALWAYS in my own head, not just during intimacy but during the entire day, i am always thinking and going on long tangents of thought that are really unproductive and sometimes (a lot) very very negative.
The same thing happens to me during intimacy, i love my wife and am very attracted to her but my mind goes into overdrive at the thought of having sex, to the point where i start wishing she would come uo with a reason to not have sex just to avoid the downright trauma i am about to put my body and mind through in the process of trying to have sex.
I guess in a long winded way im curious as to what you guys think is a reasonable amount or “overthinking” or if i actually do have a real problem with my “inner voice” thats ruining my life on the day to day. No clue if anyone will even ready this or not but i feel at least marginally bettwr just typing out whats on my mind to be honest.
Thanks to anyone who takes the time.
Hey there man. I’m sorry you’re going through this in your marriage. One thing I’ve learned from using Mojo is that I don’t need to give up hope. I can have amazing sex and will be able to get over this hurdle. I don’t think I’m in my head day-to-day as much as you, but definitely when I’m in bed or thinking about sex. Keep up with this course and try some simple meditation. It can be a bit boring but it really helps ground yourself and be able to understand how you’re brain is feeling!
On a side note I just had success recently for the first time in about a year by throwing on some bluetooth earphones and listening to ASMR during sex. Was such a relief to be able to have penetrative sex again!
Long story short, use the app, join a group video session, YOU GOT THIS!
That is a lot of inner-critic chatter. Definitely something the program will help with. I also found myself in situations where I would prefer to not even have sex as to feel the conflict between my mind and body, but the program is absolutely helping to break those thoughts and those negative feelings. Keep going!
I get it. I’ve got a similar inner critic, who over my life has impacted me mostly in my professional endeavors. I will ruminate in a negative way for hours on end, dwelling and brooding in a toxic wash of self criticism. Early on I had a good mentor in the workplace who spotted this and guided me to a good place where I overcame the self doubts and self criticisms in my professional career. Im actually really skilled at what I do and my clients love me, but I tell myself all the time that I’m a failure.
I’m new to mojo hoping it will help. Im 1.5 years into a sexual relationship with a wonderful woman and about one month ago I just went limp. I have not experienced anything like this before. Coincidently, this occurred right when we had a conversation and expressed heightening the commitment. I want that so badly and now I’m seemingly stuck in this vicious cycle of self sabotage.
Anyway, I wish I had some advice to give. I’m figuring it out myself. Hang in there!
You might as well have been writing this for myself. The thing is that my own Wife seems to believe that psychological issues are an excuse. She will say things like “don’t you find me attractive?” This tbh is not exactly helping. So far , this app seems to reconfirm that it all is in the head. So hopefully, no pun intended, we can all keep it up and confirm once again that a happy Wife is indeed a happy life!
Yes exactly, her saying that im not attracted to her anymore makes it worse because instead of just feeling frustrated or let down, it adds some guilt to the mix. Every time we do it, im worried about making her feel like she isnt attractive enough, which couldnt be futher from the truth. No matter how many times intell her that thoigh she doesn’t believe me, which i cant say i totally blame her for, i get why shes upset and its reasonable, it just doesnt help.
One thing i will say its been a revelation to realise thay im not alone in this, and see that other people have been havinf similar issues. It makes me feel a little less terrible to know that im not alone. Thanks to everyone here who replied, it helps.
I completely understand about being always in your head. Since January that’s all I’ve done is being in my head. Thanks for sharing
You’re in the right place, for what it’s worth. Yeah, it’s clear that you are too much in your own head. Idk how far you are in the Mojo program but the meditations in the Resources section are pretty good at training you to be in the moment. But it takes daily (no excuses) practice to work so be patient with that process then come back in a month with an update.
Im only just starting stage 2, i kinda didnt really think it was legit to be honest, but its already helping to be honest. Im not sure or convinced id its going to help with my problem but its definitly helping me understand how crazy my mind is sometimes, and that im not alone in that fight. Im going to try and be as diligant as i can, tried the metitation last night and have to say it was super hard, staying focused for more than a minute seems like an impossibility, but im determained to stick with it. Thank you.
Sounds familiar my friend! I’ve been there! It gets better though
There’s definitely a lot of overthinking going on, and as an over thinker myself I get how hard that can be to overcome. I’ve gotten out of a marriage where I was constantly rejected which has had an impact on my mental state and am now in a relationship where my lady understands I’m having some issues but am working on it and is very happy. We enjoy sex even when I can’t penetrate and she is fully supportive. I’d encourage you to talk to your partner about what’s going on, what you’re doing about it and how they can help. You just might find that they take that on board with a new level of understanding and it will help take the pressure off. Get into the program and keep going because at the very least it will help you understand what is going on for you more, and hopefully lead to better things.
Hey mate, your post was very helpful to me. It made me realise I’m in my head more than I realised, and it’s very unproductive. I just thought of myself as a “thoughtful” person, but now I kinda realise that being full of thought is stopping me from actioning anything much, including pleasurable sex. While your post has been helpful to me, unfortunately, I don’t think I can return the favour - I don’t know how much overthinking is good as I’m now asking myself the same question. H-E-L-P!
I’d say the overthinking is only a problem if you think it’s the cause of the issues you are facing. Maybe… Remember a encounter or intercourse that went well … ask her what she’d like, or as the course say , name than voice, picture it and put it aside when things get started? My 2 cents
Believe it or not your post does help, knowing im not alone, and not the only one dealing with this sort of thing has actually been a pretty signifant help, at least mentally. I sencerely hope you find your way through this along with me and eveeyone else thats struggling with it.
Geez your post is so helpful and unfortunately so easy to relate to. I’m absolutely crazy about my wife but constantly find myself “talking myself out of sex”. It’s gotten to the point that, like you, I find myself hoping something else will come up that takes sex off the table for the night. Not that I don’t want to have sex. I literally think about having sex with her all day everyday. But then there’s always that noise in the background reminding me that it hasn’t been going that great in the bedroom lately and what if it happens again. Then I’m scared to even try. At times I will realize that I’ve literally stopped breathing because I’m so terrified. Often times I don’t even realize that I’m not breathing until I literally have to gasp for air. I’ve often wondered if I’m having a panic attack. It sucks….and not in the good way.
Inner voice will destroy you because only that voice knows your Achilles heel. It’s so toxic 
. Need to work on it man. It’s learnt behaviour from the past. Fingers crossed you find strength .You managed to learn it, you truly have the capacity to un learn . Takes time though …
The greatest thing my wife said to me was “I know it’s not me, I know it’s in your head”. That one step helps park that marital tension. Doesn’t stop the chatter but does help mitigate an internal emotional meltdown.
It clears the way for me to try and own the ED and start to address it properly. Until I own it I can’t start to address it.
Completely relate to what you are experiencing. I do t have a great answer and as a medical
Professional I don’t know if this program will help or not. But I appreciate your willingness to try and hope that you and I both find something to make our relationships succeed. Keep trying and stay positive
I too am an over thinker. Everything is a distraction to my mind and that pulls me out of the moment instantly. Even if I’m hard enough for penetration the mind takes over and I go limp. Recently I was hard enough for sex but then a few things occurred - I was getting really sweaty and started noticing it, then the bed was getting all squeaky and I started noticing that and I felt bad for her house mate, then I started noticing that my pleasure was dropping and then became more and more limp. We tried to carry on but I couldn’t get hard again. My girlfriend whom I love and she loves me was immediately sad and concerned, wondering if she wasn’t doing it for me anymore. This is always a thought I have in my mind, that she’ll be seeing my limp penis as a sign that I’m not attracted to her. I decided to use this moment to explain issues I’ve had in the past. I explained I have been struggling with erections for years, that I’ve been to therapy in the past, that i know it’s a mental problem, not a physical one of my own body or attraction to her, having been through some of the courses on Mojo and doing general research. It felt like a relief. Me opening up to her allowed her to open up to me. She told me she gets worried during sex because a previous relationship she started having pain during sex and that was due to her falling out of love with her partner at the time and so sex was becoming forced. This made her insecure about sex such that when I go limp she thinks it’s because of her. I confess we did not then have sex after this conversation but what I will say is that it has dramatically deepened our relationship and understanding of each other and we both agree to openly communicate what is going through our heads in these moments. We agreed to really think about how we can help each enjoy our sex lives by helping each other to relax and find the sensations that work for us. I’m lucky to have a girlfriend who loves and supports me and our love and support for each other has definitely increased as a result of that chat. I will continue to work on my issues to identify why I go limp (mostly being in my own head and worrying about things). My advice to everyone is to openly communicate with your partner. It may feel uncomfortable and I was lucky to have a loving partner already who I knew would be willing to listen but with anyone, being able to communicate is the key to deeper relationships and amazing sex lives.
I shall end with some info that will hopefully give others hope.
I had not been able to get an erection during sex since my first time when I was 18. That carried through to the age of 28! I was perfectly capable of masturbating to pornography. I thought my issues were solely porn. Then I learnt they were mental. All relationships I’d had between 18 and 28 I’d never fully committed to. I’m the type of person that must really enjoy the partner they are with to be able to achieve an erection during sex (I learnt this about myself when 28). Between 28 and 30 I’ve had 2 partners both of whom I really liked and had open communication with. My previous partner was the first woman I ever retained a full erection with and even managed to ejaculate during sex. My second partner whom I’m currently with is the second woman I’ve managed to retain an erection with and ejaculate during penetration. I’m very much in love with this woman. It’s been amazing for me but clearly there are some underlying mental challenges to overcome still, hence the story above. What I do know is that for me, if I care about the woman and I’m able to have open and honest communication with them I will have an amazing life and sex life with them. There is hope gentlemen. Keep it up. Good luck! Much love.
Hello. I’m literally at the end of my tether. Nowhere else to turn. This is now ruining my life.