Think back to an argument or clash that felt like a 10/10 conflict. Where it got ugly.
It can be with a partner or someone else. It might be helpful to apply this to a recurring conflict.
What happened? In hindsight, what was their feeling and need? What was your feeling and need?
I think back to my first relationship and I realize we both needed trust and warmth. We argued a lot because we couldn’t satisfy that for each other.
I’m thinking back on my first relationship, we needed a lot of trust and warmth. Both of us were young so I think we lacked the right words to communicate those needs effectively.
My first major relationship happened all throughout high school in some important developmental years. I was a kid when it started and I never quite got the hang of it. I’d say that had a lot of impact on why I am this way now. Building trust and shelter was something I struggled with heavily.
Conflicts I’ve been in was because i was feeling lonely, stressed out, and i didnt feel the support i wanted from them but also didnt tell them i needed the support.
A conversation lulls. Partner thinks I’m not paying attention and gets angry. She feels unheard and needs to feel loved. Often I do lapse in concentration because I’m feeling worn out and need a little space. Most of the time I’m not really aware that I’m tired and don’t communicate the need for space
Having ED has been hard for me, but also for my wife. When I stop to ask her if she feels unloved and unattractive, she said yes. I reaffirmed that I agreed that sounds terrible. I never steered the conversation to my need but made it about hers. I let it sit overnight that I understood. The next day, we had great sex as we were so much more connected and it seemed that we understood each other.
They felt alienated, abandoned, loveless. They needed warmth, affirmation, love. I felt overwhelmed, misunderstood. I needed calmness, rationality.
I have needed trust and warmth and love and we just had anger, frustration and eventually silence
She felt regretful and needed warmth. I felt burnt out and needed space
The feeling was insecurity,frustration
Probably the need was attention
I had a need for trust and emotional intimacy that wasn’t being met. I believe my partner had a need for physical intimacy that wasn’t being met. We did not effectively communicate that to each other and ended up ending things.
I had a crazy argument with my girlfriend recently. I lost it due to a build up of frustration, resentment and anger. It bubbled to the surface after I’d had a few drinks.
What I needed was listening, understanding and respect. What she needed was closeness, stability and warmth
I think I’m good at taking responsibility and asking about the needs of others, but not expressing my own needs or when those needs are not being met. That’s why my most recent relationship broke down, my partner was unwilling or unable to meet my needs and I did not make those needs clear enough or have the strength to leave when I knew she either could not or was not willing to. Particularly I needed intimacy, affection, desire, acceptance and respect. Not getting them and then failing to set my boundaries caused me to fall into codependent behavior because I was trying to convince myself I needed to be with this person instead of being honest about why I did or didn’t want to be with them.
In a relationship of mine that just ended my ED was a result of internalizing the emotional manner my partner would exhibit. She said she loved me though I felt as though she just couldn’t accept me. There was always something i should change, or work on for us yet no self awareness on her part. I feel now that I needed to communicate my need for acceptance and reassure her of her needs more often.