Negative reinforcement with an ex

I just got out of a difficult relationship with someone who had a lot of issues. Our sex life was infrequent and there was a lot of incompatibility.

The last time we had sex, she left abruptly. Then, after I sent her a sweet message about how much I loved our time together - her response was that she hated it, that she always pleasures her partners and they never pleasure her back, and that I was being robotic and she didn’t consent to that. Later, I learned that it was actually traumatic for her and she felt like a tool rather than a person.

So I struggled a lot with that encounter. I wasn’t ready for sex with her that evening, and I own that I should have communicated that with her. But it’s also giving me a lot of confidence issues with potential future partners. What if I am robotic? What if sex with me isn’t good? It’s a big struggle right now and I just wanted to share that.


I hear you, had a similar experience

I know it’s coming from her so it means a lot more, but it also sounds like she has different expectations. I had an ex who wanted me to adore her and all of that foreplay, but I wanted to have it be like we couldn’t wait to have clothes on anymore and be having hot sex right away. It’s not that I didn’t care about her but if I didn’t do what she asked of me, she said she felt like a piece of meat. That still stings every now and then for me.

I think you haven’t met the right one yet. The right one would communicate to you what she wants, rather than assume you know what she’s talking about. We aren’t mind readers so if she wanted you to read her mind, then all things considered it’s a good thing you’re not in that relationship anymore. You only get “better” with experience my guy. Keep your head up and know what youre capable of. That’ll take you way further than anything anyone can tell you

I have also felt like I can’t please my partner. And slowly but surely I’ve come to realize two things, one: it’s not about pleasing, it’s about having fun and enjoying your partner, and two: focus as well on what pleasure you’re getting. If you do those things, her pleasure will come along. When the environment is relaxed and you feel comfortable and pleased your partner will as well feel comfortable and pleasure. It has helped for me in the sense of taking of the pressure that sometimes we have. Wish you the best.

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