Thought: when the new girlfriend asks to put up a condom, I’ll lose the erection and fail again because I failed two times before.
Fact: I was just not used to it after a decade of my previous marriage. I simply need practice like any other physical exercise.
Recognize when it feels like I’m in a mediocre state of mind and identify if I’m not actually enjoying the person I’m with - either bring the energy and turn it around or leave. Like if they’ve been yelling about politics for 30 minutes and I’m just sitting there trying not to fight with them I actually probably don’t want to fuck them and should be ok with that.
I often find my inner critic engaging in fortune telling, saying that I’ll lose my erection before sex has even begun. I’ve begun practicing telling myself that, even if I do lose my erection and can’t regain it, I can still approach sex with gusto and be ready to make it a fun, mutually fulfilling evening.
My inner critic partakes in fortune telling, saying I will lose my erection and disappoint my partner. I have started to think about the times where I had no issue with having my erection, and could satisfy my partner.
If I can’t satisfy my partner she will leave
I always feel my partner is dissatisfied because I don’t last long enough.
Thinking that just because I had a negative experience once, the other ones are gonna be the same
Thinking that because I had a negative experience that it will happen forever and never get better.
I didn’t have this problem previously so what’s to say I can’t get back to that stage.
I find that when I analyze my thoughts they are usually wrong and biased to the negative instead of focusing on many positives.
My thinking tends towards negativity - on first dates or after hookups, I focus on what could have gone wrong, and my inner critic tries to find signs of disinterest (he didn’t seem that enthusiastic about X, he said he needed to go when you…) even though he explicitly expressed that he enjoyed himself, likes me, etc. playing out the argument is helpful.
I should overcome FOMO. If that stupid hookup left me because sex was bad it doesn’t mean I won’t ever find anyone else. Bad experiences happen and should not be a barrier to seek positive ones.
I thought “I’m going to disappoint him”
But he has been very happy with our sexual time in the past. If it is possible, it can be reproducible
“I cant please her sexually because I go soft before penetration”
This thought is untrue , she has told me about the things we do that she likes. Complimented me on hitting her pleasure spots and making her shudder. This thought is all or nothing thinking that because I don’t do X then none of it mattered
I can’t please her sexually because I go soft before penetration - my wife told me she likes our sex together
I’m never gonna get better at sex
Me leaving it until university was the worse thing ever
I can’t be this bad at my age
I’m never gonna get better
No one will give me the chance again
Last night I went to have sec with my girlfriend and it went great I was doing missionary which is the one position I am struggling with until i got worried and went soft. this has played in my mind all day and night.
Negative thought: I was sad and disappointed and felt like less of a man and i’m always comparing myself to her exes in a sexual context. i feel like less of a man compared to them and i think she feels the same. i’m worried this will keep happening.
Fact check: you were drinking which does actually play a part in it. this has not happened everytime and most recently you fucked in missionary till u came inside her and u were rock fucking hard the whole time. she was so happy with u last night and supportive she even told us sex is so irrelavnt to her she wants to marry u and help u work thru this she does not give a fuck how long ur taking.
Defend negative thought: it’s happened more than once tho and who cares if u were drinking u know she’s disappointed.
Rebutle: once again literally two days ago u fucked in missionary till you came which IS SOMETHING YOUVE ENEVR done before being rock hard. HUGE IMPROVEMENT. SHE LOVES YOU AND WANTS YOU AND HAS MADE THAT CLEAR. SEX ISNT EVERYTHING you focus too much on the bad times to realise that you are improving buddy. u need to realise this bc it’s what’s holding u back. u think ur not getting better but buddy you are. ur changing ur lifestyle and everything. your improving just think back to when u had sex most recently and proved all these thoughts wrong !!
last time I got soft before penetration
I thought oh no I’m getting soft again, I can’t believe this is happening
this is all or nothing
I know I can stay hard, I have done it many times in the past, my partner understand and I’m not the only one this happens too
Previously, I was unable to get hard and stay hard properly and I thought that “I can’t believe this is happening once again. She’s going to be disappointed in me even further”
I have been hard and know I can. I need to be able to get hard in the moment
Last time I had sex, last night, in fact, everything was going well re how I was satisfying him. That was easy and fun, and I wasn’t concerned. Kissing and doing other stuff with him was straightforward and genuinely fun. He was very happy and I was too. When he wanted to pleasure me, however, I soon started to lose the erection I had had for a good 15 mins. I started worrying. I was wondering what he’d be thinking - which is illogical as it might not be true. It could, or it could not, be true. Would he be offended, confused? He had already cum, but I hadn’t, and he was trying very hard to make me do so too. I couldn’t. I’d go erect momentarily, then soft, again and again, and I couldn’t cum. Eventually, he gave up, making a jokey comment like “what’s up with you?” I felt crap. I was in a spiral of negative thoughts, with my inner critic constantly condemning me for failing both my partner and me - again, this is not logical. The logical thought would have been to remember that I sometimes can cum with a partner, and to focus on my attraction of him. I had almost forgotten that I had fancied him as I was worrying so much. I remember telling myself how hot he was, but it was forced and I know I was only telling myself that because of the greater worries and criticisms swirling in my head.
I suffered from categorical imperative. I should have been hard when he was pleasuring me and I should have been able to cum. He did. Everyone does. I should have done so too.
I suffered from mind-reading: I was assuming he’d be thinking negative thoughts about me. Either I wasn’t interested in him, or I was broken somehow.
I suffered from all or nothing: because I was failing, I was sad, and pleasure of a few minutes prior had dissipated in my mind.
I suffered from overgeneralisation: I had suffered this problem before and a part of me had a feeling it may occur again, forgetting that there have been many times when such issues hadn’t arisen.
She thinks I’m not interested in her when I can’t get erect. This has been voiced, so it’s always there.
I know it’s incorrect as she’s all I want, but how to overcome it and get aroused and hard?