Reprogramming negative thoughts

I was going through the exercises about reprogramming negative thoughts and how to get out of your head and to just enjoy the intimacy when it’s happening, but my question for the community is how do you do that when as the man you have to take control of the situation?

I’ve only ever been intimate with my wife, so I am not sure how else to do it but when it comes to sex, I do everything and she basically just lays there.

I honestly don’t know how to get out of my head and to just enjoy it when all I can think about is all of the mechanics of actually making sexy time enjoyable for her.

We’ve been together for over 20 years yet it feels like we are still teenagers trying to figure this out.

If anything, it’s helpful for me to just put my thoughts out somewhere where maybe someone else can relate


Yes I can totally relate - similar situation. I think. For us we’ve tended to take turns - I give her attention until she finishes ( which for her is using my hands etc rather than intercourse) and then it’s basically my turn. She tends to relax and lie there - so I can basically do what I like ( within boundaries of course) - and I can focus on my pleasure although she takes a rather passive role. This has worked for us fairly well over the years. If we try to do it mutually neither of us can focus and we get a bit distracted by the other and don’t progress well!

More recently though I just feel guilty and selfish when it’s my turn … and totally loose the mood - hence mojo! Her tendency to be passive raises questions in my mind if she is ok with it all - although I have no doubt whatsoever she would tell me if not, my body doesn’t seem to believe it.

So I guess we manage this by taking turns and that may work for you if you don’t fall in to a guilt trap like I have.


My wife (12 years) is the same way. Just lies there; doesn’t really do or show anything. It’s how she prefers it, but the lack of any kind of feedback loop is difficult for me.

I know she wants it. She says she does, she’s missed sex since I’ve developed performance anxiety. I know in my head that she wants it, but without much feedback in the moment it’s hard for my body to grasp that.

When I have asked for more involvement from her side (initiation, hands, different positions) - she usually responds that she doesn’t want to and she’d never had to do that before my performance anxiety issues.

So we’re kind of stuck on this island right now of me still being expected to do everything, but I’m in my head too much and can’t get it up.

I don’t have an answer other than I’m (1) not trying to force anything, (2) waiting until she wants sex, and (3) trying my best to relax and be playful again. Easier said than done.


I think you need to be clear with your wife that your PE comes from her lack of participation/initiation. Everything was fine until you started seeing her as not being into it and her not being into it is probably trigging your deep seated belief that “No means no” or whatever other morals you were raised with that are telling you having sex with someone who doesn’t want it is wrong.

My issues is the reverse of yours in that my wife was always an initiator and active participant in our sex life until after kids when she just stopped initiating and my brain started yelling at me that she doesn’t want it and making her is wrong.

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