I put myself under pressure because I want to satisfy my girlfriend. She said she loves orgasms through vaginal sex but I usually don’t last long enough. There have been several times in the past few months where she did orgasm. My irrational fear is that if I don’t give her orgasms through vaginal sex always or almost always when we have sex, she’s going to lose interest and start fantasizing about other men that may have given her orgasms in the past maybe in the future.
But I realize that it is very irrational. Every time we have sex, she enjoys it and always mentions how hot it is even when she does not orgasm. I realize that my fear is completely irrational and that I will try to relax and maybe just get in better physical shape or trying doing kegals and other exercises to improve how long I last.
I’m worried I’m never going to be able to penetrate a woman without immediately cumming. It makes me feel so ashamed, while also concerned about impregnating them accidentally. I feel so much pleasure I haven’t been able to keep it together so far when the time comes. I think having a big dick and having sex with very small women might contribute to it, as I basically couldn’t penetrate without an immense amount of pressure. I think more iterations and finding a trusted partner could help.
I feel you man. I beat myself up every single time I don’t say hi to a woman I like. So much self induced, unnecessary pressure. Partly, I’ll admit, because I deliberately don’t use dating apps.
After I failed in my first attempt to have sex with these new guy I’ve just met and with whom I’ve clicked immediately I thought that this relationship would not go anywhere because he doesn’t want to be with someone that can’t have proper sex.
well actually we both had a very nice text conversation afterwards, and he said how he felt at ease with you and how he thought he would be eventually dating you.
Putting myself under constant pressure
Last time I tried to have sex it was the first time after I broke up with my partner of 5 years. I could get it up during foreplay. I was doing ok, had a semi after trying to stay calm and now spiral out of the moment with anxiety - then her dog jumped on the bed and wouldn’t get off and this through me off so much I chickened out. (Fortune telling & emotional reasoning & all-or-nothing thinking).
In reality, I was still very emotionally affected by my breakup and this had a massive effect on my self confidence and libido, which explains my apprehension around sex with someone else as I’m a sensitive person who finds it hard to hide my feelings.
I am capable but I needed more time to recover from my breakup.
Sex isn’t all about penal penetration and I could have had a great night nonetheless.
The person was nice about it and I think was sympathetic as they knew about my breakup and how it effected me
1 Like
I am worried that I won’t be able to get or stay hard during sex. I feel this concern because it’s been happening quite a few times with my current partner and I don’t ever remember having this issue before (especially as a teenager!).
However I know that this is an overgeneralisation as there have been times when for no noticeably different reason I have been able to maintain a strong erection. This has shown to me that my issue is most likely psychological and a case of needing to feel more comfortable in myself and my relationship whilst also putting less pressure on myself.
I will continue to work on my health through exercise and diet whilst also trying to restructure distorted perceptions that I have no evidence for e.g. my size is inadequate / I am not satisfying my partner etc
Last time I had sex, I wasn’t able to last long when changing position and going harder.
This made me worry that my partner would be unimpressed by my performance and also left unsatisfied.
I am mind reading my partner, assuming they didn’t enjoy it because it was shorter than planned and they didn’t climax. This categorical imperative of feeling I must make them finish and then not succeeding is also unhelpful.
I don’t have evidence that my partner was unsatisfied or that they were faking their responses but rather am feeling these due to my own psychological barriers e.g. inner critic making me apologise to my partner for finishing (which is really embarrassing to me). Not lasting long from over stimulation is actually perfectly normal and common, holywood and porn just sell false ideas about sex and there are plenty of other ways to extend intimacy outside of penetration. In the same way, I like many other men need to learn to be more in tune with my body and pace myself, even if my partner is saying they want it harder.
With the pressure that I am placing on myself to satisfy my partner and to impress her it is unsurprising that I am not connecting / enjoying sex and feeling inadequate when I finish sooner than I would like.
I have GOT to treat myself better, with more respect… truly treat myself as if I was helping someone else…. I’m fantastic when I need to be there for someone else but for myself I am a complete asshole!
1 Like
Going thru a two plus year divorce, and having strong feelings about sex while still being legally married puts its toll on my mental capacity to pursue sex with another partner. It has been a LONG time since I was able to please a partner. My previous partner was NOT sexually invested. My mind has always been to put the other first with sexual pleasure.
Recently meeting and pursuing someone new who is desirous to be sexually active has caused me to be conflicted. I dont want to go against my convictions but enjoy giving pleasure in other ways without penetration. Knowing she wants that has caused some additional stress to my ability to get it up. Her comparing this issue to a previous relationship she broke off doesnt help either. But, I know she can be satisfied without penetration. Understanding and acknowledging its in my head and is temporary makes the difference!
Similar to your situation, was with the same person for 22yrs. There is so much more to a (good) woman than sex. Keep fighting the good fight!
Last bad experience was last night. I was hard watching my wife get undressed and during foreplay but when we went to the bedroom I couldn’t maintain my erection.
I thought to my self “I’m a failure”, “she needs this as much as I do! Please work”, “why can’t I stay hard with this beautiful woman in front of me??!!”
I would label these thought categories as All or Nothing, Emotional Reasoning, Categorical Imperative.
I haven’t been able to perform consistently in quite a while but that doesn’t make me a failure. She does have sexual needs that need meeting but putting so much pressure on myself to meet them is self sabotaging myself. Im not getting hard in the heat of the moment when the pressure is on to perform lately but that doesn’t mean I am disinterested because I very much find my wife attractive. The pressure i put on myself to perform is way too much.
I am not a failure but I am having some temporary difficulties that have made sex stressful and non connected. she has sexual needs and she has told me we will figure this out and she is with me like I was for her in her dark time. My cock probably isn’t gettin hard because I am asking myself that very question in a mad demanding way when in reality if I just got out of my head and focused on being present I know my cock would work.
1 Like
I was really into this guy and was seeing him for the second time. However I was so nervous about having to perform that I didn’t stay hard when it came to crunch time. I was worried he would think of me as no fun and a disappointment, and would move on to other people.
—
However he was still relaxed around me and open to spending time with me and chatting with me after this incident, so it is a signal that he is open to seeing me again. He also invited me to some event. It is probably the case that we can still enjoy each others company outside of just performative sex
I am trying to have a baby with my partner and despite efforts of keeping hard it’s becoming quite frustrating as I’m not able to keep the erection hard enough to cum.
I can reprogram the thought that “I can’t believe this is happening again.”
It happens and it’s completely normal. I just need to relax for it to return and remember that he just wants to make me feel good.
1 Like
My wife for 44 years died 18 months ago and I currently find myself in a new relationship. We tried to have sex for the first time a few months ago and my thoughts immediately returned to my previous relationship and I lost my erection. We have tried to have sex several times since and each time I am so anxious that I will be unable to perform that it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. I’m in a negative cycle and so far I have not been able to break it.
1 Like
Last time I had sex I panicked that I wouldn’t get hard. I thought - this is going to happen again AND I’m useless for letting it happen.
I think this is fortune telling and some emotional reasoning.
2 Likes
I have to remind myself that devaluation from my ex has no home here. She projected a lot of negative thoughts on me in several domains in the relationship. She does not deserve any more space in my life
2 Likes
I can relate so much to that. My ex boyfriend was expressed his negativity both verbally and through his body language which left me with a bigger imprint than I previously realized. I think it was all based on his own insecurities, and that has no room in me any more.