So one of the things that caused my initial performance anxiety was my confession to cheating on my wife. I made out with one of her best friends 11 years ago and finally confessed in August. Shortly after this I started having issues . I think because my erections are so connected to our connection and I feed off of her now that she’s in her head it has changed everything. As I mentioned in other post were making progress and have been able to connect again . Only thing is I have been reliant upon pills to give me that boost. She’s still super insecure and gets weird as soon as we start getting intimate. Anybody else have a similar situation or have and advise ??
You say here “made out”. I do not need to know the details of what you mean by that. I am assuming that you told your wife the details of what that means. If you are saying that you had physical contact that was short of sexual activity, although it was headed that direction , I would think it would be easier for her to move past. If it actually progressed to sexual activity then you might want to strap yourself in. Either way you violated her trust.
First you need to be sure she know that you are sorry. You need to make sure that you are aware that you violated her trust and that it will take time to regain that. You need to tell her that you are willing to do anything you can that would help rebuild your relationship. VERY, VERY IMPORTANT POINT HERE. DO NOT DO THE LAST PART UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE THE FIRST. Then you can ask her if there is anything that she might need to do that would help.
Here is why I put the caps there. If you ask her if there is anything that she might need to do that would help before telling her you are willing to do whatever is necessary to help, it might be seen in her eyes that you are blaming her. I strongly suggest you avoid that at all costs.
1 Like
By making out I mean we kissed. It never progressed to sex. The biggest problem is this was like a sister to her. And the other big question is why did I wait 11 years to tell her plus she was on bed rest at the time pregnant with our twins who are now 10 years old. The big thing for me is I was in a completely different place at the time mentally, spiritually, etc… since then I have found Christ and been sober for eight years. Would that being said there is still no excuse for what I did and you are correct I totally broke her trust. The other issue is she has been cheated on by every other man that she has been with so this makes it even more difficult as I was the only man she has ever trusted other than her father who died when she was nine years old. So yes it is extremely layered.
Not sure what you mean by asking her if there’s anything she can do??
So now when it comes to sex she is constantly comparing herself to said person. I am sure you Would you rather be with somebody skinny like Lisa etc. etc… meanwhile I am super attracted to my wife and again it’s more about the connection for me. So she gets in her head and and is completely is not her self in bed. Which sucks because we were literally having the best sex of our lives and it feels like I messed everything up. But the reality is I needed to confess as it has been weighing on my heart for years so I still don’t regret it. I continue to ask forgiveness and will do anything it takes to build her trust back . The big part is or what came out of this for me was the performer an anxiety piece which has been something I’ve never dealt with before until now at least not on this scale.
What i meant by asking her what she could do to help restore her trust would be like in counseling. If you guys are not already in counseling, it is something you should bring up. Ask her if she would have any problem going to counseling with you. Let her know that you want to restore her trust, but are struggling to know how that can be done. You might ask her if her trust can ever be restored. Whether the answer is yes or no to that question, plead with her to come to counseling with you because you do not want to give up until you have exhausted.
1 Like
Good advise
I wish you the best. I went through a period of higly functional drug abuse. I managed to keep it hid for a long time. When it was uncovered it crated some issues of trust as well. I’ve been married 44 years now and that went back at least 30 years ago.
You did the right thing being honest with your wife. The truth here is that you are expected to be the leader of your home. It is probable that your wife will struggle walking with you for a while in your journey together. Let her know that you understand that it will be difficult for her and that if she finds herself in a place where she cannot go on, that you will carry her. Meaning emotionally carry her, not physically.
A wise man once said if there is a problem in a marriage, 90% of the time it will be a problem the husband created. My own experience bumps that up to about 99.99%.
Be strong and courageous.
2 Likes
Amen