Thank you for these kind thoughts and sharing your experiences. (Edit - sorry for the long post I ranted a bit but Iâll leave it as is).
I am moved by your phrase âto receive himâ. This is so often described as being submissive or to submit to someone dominant. Whereas that perspective of being able to offer to receive (or indeed not to) is just amazing Iâve not thought of it that way before.
Did he force himself on me? Physically, I would say no. It wasnât however a romantic affair. It was more along the lines of letâs try sex, suck on this type of approach. I did this and I allowed him to try and give me a blow job too. It simply didnât work for either of us and yep, very much also teenage fumbling around as well. We tried a few times with each other over a weekend (we were hiking in a remote area for a weekend camping). He hassled me for being immature and such like.
However, psychologically, I wasnât at all ready for this. On reflection, I donât think I would have been able to say no to him, or establish healthy boundaries as you managed. My upbringing had been impacted by violence. I am recognising now that I tend to be/am compliant and not rock the boat or cause anger or upset almost at any cost, including establishing boundaries like this. The option of saying no, simply did not occur to me and I just donât know if it had what I would have done. We were also hiking in remote country so I couldnât just simply leave. He knew the way out and I didnât.
Our friendship ended and he quickly moved on. I think this is what actually hurt the most I realise.
I seem to have reacted disproportionately to all this.
Subsequently I have basically withdrawn away from men. ALL my friends and lovers have been female and I am in a long term committed relationship with a woman (kids, house , careers)⌠weâve been through a lot together and I in no way regret these relationships.
I have been I guess very gay/bi curious through porn. However I have never since got near a guy hardly physically let along emotionally. I withdraw from any emerging male friendship and get anxious very quickly. Causal sex to experiment I donât think is for me.
I get ED from time to time and all this comes out of its box at these times. I have found Mojo really interesting, particularly the, I assume, predominately male experiences and concerns that are openly discussed here - its just not something Iâve experienced before - yep many of us are a bit messed up - but hey weâre working on it.
A lot of my concerns I understand (recently doing therapy to work through some of this stuff) actually comes down to my not being able to say no and set boundaries in a healthy way. This impacts everything - from deciding what takeaway meal to order , sex, relationships, to staying way too long in a toxic employment situation.
Linking back to your point earlier, this all manifests in the body if only you can listen to it. I am starting to recognise that when I am feeling tense or anxious for no apparent reason, having ED, or similar, I am likely needing to say no to something at some level or too focused on the other persons possible emotions (to keep the peace and not rock the boat etc). This can be over a very trivial thing like what to eat or major thing like my job. I am working on recognising this, accepting it, and responding through mindfulness, therapy and reconnecting physically with the body.
Itâs ok to feel what I feel, do what I want to do, and apologise afterwards if needed but this is not my default setting by a long shot.
Good grief I have ranted on off topic for the thread.
I appreciate your supportive comments and those of everyone who shares here.