Erection issues with new partner, soul destroying

Guys, Im 35
Ive come out of an 11 year relationship where I never had any issues with getting it up

Towards the end it became toxic and sexless and if im honest I relying on porn to get off on.

Since splitting last year ive slept with 3 Girls and all of them ive had issues getting and or keeping an erection!

Im taking the him hard mints and they help but I dont want to rely on them!

However started seeing a girl I really like and for want of a better word when she comes over Im shitting myself about when we go to bed.
Last night we slept together for the first time and even the hard mints didnt work, I was so in my own head and anxious!
A naked girl in my bed that im kissing and touching but I cant get it up ! I managed to in the end but its not great is it,
You cant enjoy it after furiously wanking a floppy to muster an erection.


This is eerily similar to what I’ve just been through - did I write this?!

Also 35, out of 11 year relationship. 3 girls since, and now had erection issues for the first time ever. I’ve started seeing this girl officially now (after a few awkward sexual encounters). She was really supportive and once I became more comfortable with her the issues fell away somewhat. Also taking viagra to get the monkey off my back helped a bit. Haven’t needed to take any the last few times we’ve had sex.

It was honestly all in my head. Feeling super weird mentally after the breakup. It was difficult for a while but you’ll definitely get through it. Very relieved after thinking it was going to last forever! Hang in there.


Thanks brother, I cant believe it, its the worst feeling isnt it?
Shes being really nice about it but I cant feel like this again,
So demasculating

It almost affects your confidence to text them the day after, like you feel like walking away to save the embarrassment,

Im sure eventually it will be something to almost have a bit of banter about it,

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Don’t walk away because of the embarrassment man! If she’s a nice person she’d do her best to understand your situation and have empathy for you and will work with you. Don’t lose a good connection with someone because of a temporary problem.


This also sounds scarily similar to my own situation. Completely feel your pain.

The drive home the next morning feeling like you’ve ‘failed’ is horrendous and Iv also questioned if best thing for all involved is to walk away. I just feel like there’s only so many times I can say ‘it’s not you’ before she starts to let it affect her own confidence which just makes me feel even worse.But then equally I think if I can overcome this then it could potentially be the best thing to ever happen to me being with this girl.

The mind is a very powerful thing and it’s the most frustrating thing in the world feeling like despite trying so hard to remain positive and out of your own head, the self doubt and inner critic always seems to win and the situation goes south (literally!)


A similar thing has happened to me. I had a great relationship w/ great sex for 12 years. Towards the end I was using a lot of porn and she was inconsistent at best.

Since then, I’ve also had erection issues. I think I convinced myself in my old relationship that it was forever. And it was a shock when she ended it.

It’s hard to get back to dating after a long time. I generally have a hard time with sex until I trust someone. So I fall into a pattern of women wanting to be with me, I mention my issue, they seem to be ok with it. But I can usually tell who really means that and who doesn’t. I guess it’s just evidence that some people aren’t for me - but it’s been a really hurtful journey to get to that conclusion.

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Needed to hear this.

Never really had ED, but a couple months ago I did for a bit w a girl I was seeing. I think it was because I was feeling guilty about it religiously. Got over that with her and had a Side girl afterwards, no problems. Maybe because I didn’t care, didn’t feel the stress.
Now I’ve met a girl I’m crazy about and I feel the stress and the ED is coming back. Trying to play it cool that I’m waiting, but man is it emasculating.

As you said, you are “all in (your) head and anxious”. So how can you get out of your head? Sex isn’t “supposed” to be anything. I suggest looking at what you’re in your head about. Are you comparing the now to sex experiences in the past? Don’t. How can you enjoy the now if you are measuring it by something else? I will likely never get the intense body shaking nut I got the first time my teenage best friend made me cum. So what? Im not a teen anymore. I probably missed even greater experiences thinking I had to re-live that sleepover. I cant, but I can find someone to make new memories with.

one thought….why limit yourself to females? Maybe you are better suited to same sex relationships and your body is telling you something? Forcing a square peg into a round hole could possibly cause the subconscious mind and body to rebel. I found that out myself. Just had to get honest with myself about it. Just a suggestion.

We will never be 12 years younger and the body changes. The rush of sex in the terns and twenties is replaced by less volatile but deeper connections. Comparing ourselves to our younger bodies will cause us to despair…and experience anxiety chasing something that our bodies have grown out of. I notice this MOJO is mostly about our concepts and psychology, bot physical magic fixes. Pills, TRT can help but the biggest sex organ is the brain and mind…being in your head is a bad neighborhood waiting to get your ass kicked…

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Yeah - the body knows.

Somewhat the opposite case for me. My first experience was with a guy and it was a disaster - totally sexually lifeless from me - i have spent literally years down on myself for not responding to him and finding all sorts of excuses ( too young, no foreplay etc etc) watching gay porn to imagine what might have been ( but no actual real life guys) - when actually the simplest “explanation” is my body will not respond in those situations and that’s just how it is and that’s ok…(limiting perhaps my sex life but still ok)

so definitely we need to be wary of what we think we should want…

are you male or female? If you’re male and was with another guy, well my first was with one too. My age, my best friend at the time. I was 13. I was not lifeless but it was really intense for me as Id never had someone else “do me” before that. I had sex with him until I was 15, then went out with girls, but I never felt the same attraction towards them. Thats how I came to understand you cant force the body to go against its nature…IMO there is where all the anxiety and pain comes from. Now, if you’re female and men don’t turn you on, why not try another woman? You deserve to find the right partner for YOU, not society.

Male. Yep best friends, I was 14 or so… unfortunately our friendship ended he went with someone else and I still haven’t got over it - 30 plus years on … anyway I am trying to carry it more lightly…

Im sorry to hear that. If I may ask; did he force himself on you? I had a friend of many years simply walk away after we finally slept together. We both wanted to have sex, and I was and still am shocked by that betrayal. But my teenage boyfriends were both three year consensual affairs and just dissolved I guess due to time. One of them would pester me every time we spent the night to receive him anally. But I would not let him. So we Stuck to oral and handjobs…Looking back, I am happy I had them both, and all the others since. Im sorry you had to go through such a bad time. You deserve to find someone who is right for you.

Thank you for these kind thoughts and sharing your experiences. (Edit - sorry for the long post I ranted a bit but I’ll leave it as is).

I am moved by your phrase “to receive him”. This is so often described as being submissive or to submit to someone dominant. Whereas that perspective of being able to offer to receive (or indeed not to) is just amazing I’ve not thought of it that way before.

Did he force himself on me? Physically, I would say no. It wasn’t however a romantic affair. It was more along the lines of let’s try sex, suck on this type of approach. I did this and I allowed him to try and give me a blow job too. It simply didn’t work for either of us and yep, very much also teenage fumbling around as well. We tried a few times with each other over a weekend (we were hiking in a remote area for a weekend camping). He hassled me for being immature and such like.

However, psychologically, I wasn’t at all ready for this. On reflection, I don’t think I would have been able to say no to him, or establish healthy boundaries as you managed. My upbringing had been impacted by violence. I am recognising now that I tend to be/am compliant and not rock the boat or cause anger or upset almost at any cost, including establishing boundaries like this. The option of saying no, simply did not occur to me and I just don’t know if it had what I would have done. We were also hiking in remote country so I couldn’t just simply leave. He knew the way out and I didn’t.

Our friendship ended and he quickly moved on. I think this is what actually hurt the most I realise.

I seem to have reacted disproportionately to all this.

Subsequently I have basically withdrawn away from men. ALL my friends and lovers have been female and I am in a long term committed relationship with a woman (kids, house , careers)… we’ve been through a lot together and I in no way regret these relationships.

I have been I guess very gay/bi curious through porn. However I have never since got near a guy hardly physically let along emotionally. I withdraw from any emerging male friendship and get anxious very quickly. Causal sex to experiment I don’t think is for me.

I get ED from time to time and all this comes out of its box at these times. I have found Mojo really interesting, particularly the, I assume, predominately male experiences and concerns that are openly discussed here - its just not something I’ve experienced before - yep many of us are a bit messed up - but hey we’re working on it.

A lot of my concerns I understand (recently doing therapy to work through some of this stuff) actually comes down to my not being able to say no and set boundaries in a healthy way. This impacts everything - from deciding what takeaway meal to order , sex, relationships, to staying way too long in a toxic employment situation.

Linking back to your point earlier, this all manifests in the body if only you can listen to it. I am starting to recognise that when I am feeling tense or anxious for no apparent reason, having ED, or similar, I am likely needing to say no to something at some level or too focused on the other persons possible emotions (to keep the peace and not rock the boat etc). This can be over a very trivial thing like what to eat or major thing like my job. I am working on recognising this, accepting it, and responding through mindfulness, therapy and reconnecting physically with the body.

It’s ok to feel what I feel, do what I want to do, and apologise afterwards if needed but this is not my default setting by a long shot.

Good grief I have ranted on off topic for the thread.

I appreciate your supportive comments and those of everyone who shares here.

well, dear heart, remember that you have one. Its too bad this was a negative experience for you, for me and many of us, my memories of that age are blissful. We did not fumble around really. After the first orgasm, I was in. Id already been dry fucking other boys in the summer woods so another boys penis was no stranger to me. But the guy who made me cum was really the one who initiated it between us…we did oral and handjobs but I drew the line at anal. Not sure why. Oh, because THAT would make us homosexual. lol…as if naked weekly oral and mutual j/o cum sessions wasn’t… Now Im grown up and I accept that I AM same sex oriented. I also accept that many men are opposite sex oriented. And theres more men in between than most people know…The most important thing is where your heart is. Be a loving companion to whoever you are with. And don’t be afraid to meet a man who you feel attracted to. If I was to have this conversation with you face to face, I would likely offer sex to you for your consideration, with no pressure. There are many many men who would too. Maybe if you got up next to your fears you could finally release all that anxiety and experience true love from the heart. Not saying you should do anything you don’t want to, but realistically it sounds like you do want a guy. Thats what Im sensing…. Its ok to be honest with yourself about that. I mentioned my friend who rejected me in adult life, do you know I carried that torch nearly twenty years and just a couple weeks ago let it go. In the interim I felt much like you about your teen friendship, lonely, angry, anxious until I realized I was only punishing MYSELF….and chose to stop. I reconnected with another old dear (platonic) friend and the love I felt healed those woulds Id kept open so long. If he wanted sex with me Id do it. Im crazy about him and he knows it. Its a great feeling to have loving make friends, with or without sex. Im certainly not a doctor but I share with you hoping you will find some inspiration in my similar experiences that had a different outcome. I suggest look in the mirror and be 100% honest with yourself…I don’t know what you will find but the person you need to reconcile with is yourself…and I wish you the very best.

correction typo… “its a great feeling to have loving MALE friends with or without sex….”

By the way , I know that many of you guys reading this are “straight”….but I hope you take some of these thoughts in. You don’t have to be “gay” to have a male friend that you love deeply. Repressing those feelings or being ashamed of them causes all of your emotions to back up, and could possibly cause ED. We love with our hearts, and the heart is never wrong. Open your heart and the mind and body follow. Likewise if you close it off.

Beautiful- thank you.

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You are most welcome!