7 years of little / no erection with my partner

[forward-azure-armadillo]

I have struggled with ED for about 7 years now. I can get erections when I’m sleeping, I get morning wood, when watching porn or having sexual fantasies in my mind.

However, when I’m with my wife, I simply don’t get erections at all.

Before I met her, i used to have quite a chaotic lifestyle (porn and masturbation addiction, high alcohol consumption and visiting escorts regularly). I have also grew up cognisant of my parent’s failed marriage and I wonder if all of this has messed me up big time.

My wife (then girlfriend) and I used to have amazing sex together but then it all disappeared one day out of the blue. We were quite kinky and used handcuffs, used to do it on the table etc. We havent had sex properly since the time my erection disappeared but we are still together and we love each other. We decided to get married because barring that sexual element, we felt that we have everything else.

However, we don’t want to remain sexless for ever. I have been in psycho-sexual therapy for almost a year and whilst I understand the issues a bit more, I still don’t see the solution to the problem.

When I initially started having those erection issues, she felt quite rejected and since then, we are barely intimate. For a long time, we simply did not talk about it and got on with other aspects of our lives.

It is something we are both conscious about and are trying to navigate but there’s a lot of trauma involved. Recently, we have started speaking a bit more openly about it.

We have tried to rekindle the flame a few times but I am quite nervous about trying as there have been so many unsuccessful attempts before and I simply dont get hard when she is around me. I can get erections during my sleep, when watching porn or fantasizing about other women, however, as soon as I go near my wife the erection disappears.

I wake up every day with an erection and feel that I would be able to have sex with literally anyone other than my wife. I don’t know what’s going on in my head or what the solution might be.

I have tried the self-sensate, we have tried the couples’ sensate exercise. Over the last year, I have been doing a lot of exercise, I do hot yoga regularly and spend good time detoxing in saunas and steam rooms. I feel I am in good physical health as well.

I’ve spent loands of money on therapy (general and psycho sexual therapy). It’s been about 7 years since I’ve had sex properly now. I’m 33 and I crave sex all the time and it gets me really down at times (like now). All of this has started taking its toll on my professional life as well at times.

I love my wife and it would mean the world if I could incorporate the sex back into our lives.

Any thoughts / ideas / suggestions would be great.

[local-amaranth-meerkat]

Thank you for sharing. I’m not sure I have any advice other than it sounds like you’re taking all of the right steps, and that I believe in you. Your openness and story have touched me. I’m 32 so perhaps I see some of myself in you.

[continental-orange-tern]

Truly same situation. Since im also on the program for long enough and fighting this anxiety for over 2.5 years and also have a lot of unsuccessful experiences im also very disappointed and hopeless. I think this is about ego and self esteem. Somehow i feel like i dont want to engage in sex just because im afraid to disappoint her again. Sometimes im trying to analyse myself what is turning me on when thinking about other girls and the only think i have discovered is that when imagining other girls im not thinking about how it will go and what the result will be. Simply i dont care about the girl. I came to the conclusion that once we passed the initial period ( honeymoon) and things got a bit serious i started to connect with her and make a bond, that actualy could have triggered the anxiety of loosing her in some way, in that period i had financial problems and for first time i couldn’t get it up. That was the start of the vicious cycles. I also have divorced parents, that leads to fear of abandonment in some situations. Fear of abandonment leads to pressure to perform and even get excited because subconsciously you are afraid to loose that girl. Thats why your erections are not showing up, because your mind tells you dont do it, better stay like that together instead messing up in bed and disappoint her even more And the only think that can change that is letting go of the past and a general new way of thinking , which i couldn’t find out how to do it. One think i understand is it will be the same with any other girl i meet , in some point that childhood trauma will show up and fuck up everything because i will care too much.
So if you find yourself in the things i written we could fight it together

[forward-azure-armadillo]

Hey - thanks for engaging with this thread. Indeed so much of it is about ego and self-esteem.

It’s true that when thinking about other girls or engaging in fantasies, there is no thought about the result and the focus is only on the process. Like you, I only used to have drunken sex before I met my now-wife. In all of my time of having sex, I have only ejaculated once during sex. Most of the time, I ejacuated after sex with a blowjob or by masturbating afterwards.

I get what you said about the financial problems. When this issue first arose with me, I was experiencing a lot of work stress.

I find myself in a lot of what you have written actually. There’s so much trauma from my past - I saw my mother having sex with another man as a child, my father once shouted that he didn’t get erections with my mother whilst they were fighting and I heard this when I was young. For some reason, all of this seems to have become deep-rooted in my mindset. I don’t know where the trauma ends and where the healing starts really…

I’m so scared that my wife will leave me… and this adds to the anxiety. Soemtimes I even wonder why she’s chosen to stay with me, does this kind of love even exist?

I appreciate you sharing your story and it’s relieving that I am not alone in this, we will succeed eventually and we will work towards it. This is what Mojo is for… We have to look after each other boys.

[autonomous-yellow-silverfish]

I feel you I’m more or less same situation now

[amanda-mojo]

It can be very helpful to have couples therapy. it sounds as though you have put a lot of time into individual therapy - which I am sure has given you insights. If you can then do some work together - you can both hold the ‘responsibility’ of co creating something new and something that works for both of you. Good luck ; )