7 years of little / no erection with my partner

šŸ† Erection issues
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I have struggled with ED for about 7 years now. I can get erections when Iā€™m sleeping, I get morning wood, when watching porn or having sexual fantasies in my mind.

However, when Iā€™m with my wife, I simply donā€™t get erections at all.

Before I met her, i used to have quite a chaotic lifestyle (porn and masturbation addiction, high alcohol consumption and visiting escorts regularly). I have also grew up cognisant of my parentā€™s failed marriage and I wonder if all of this has messed me up big time.

My wife (then girlfriend) and I used to have amazing sex together but then it all disappeared one day out of the blue. We were quite kinky and used handcuffs, used to do it on the table etc. We havent had sex properly since the time my erection disappeared but we are still together and we love each other. We decided to get married because barring that sexual element, we felt that we have everything else.

However, we donā€™t want to remain sexless for ever. I have been in psycho-sexual therapy for almost a year and whilst I understand the issues a bit more, I still donā€™t see the solution to the problem.

When I initially started having those erection issues, she felt quite rejected and since then, we are barely intimate. For a long time, we simply did not talk about it and got on with other aspects of our lives.

It is something we are both conscious about and are trying to navigate but thereā€™s a lot of trauma involved. Recently, we have started speaking a bit more openly about it.

We have tried to rekindle the flame a few times but I am quite nervous about trying as there have been so many unsuccessful attempts before and I simply dont get hard when she is around me. I can get erections during my sleep, when watching porn or fantasizing about other women, however, as soon as I go near my wife the erection disappears.

I wake up every day with an erection and feel that I would be able to have sex with literally anyone other than my wife. I donā€™t know whatā€™s going on in my head or what the solution might be.

I have tried the self-sensate, we have tried the couplesā€™ sensate exercise. Over the last year, I have been doing a lot of exercise, I do hot yoga regularly and spend good time detoxing in saunas and steam rooms. I feel I am in good physical health as well.

Iā€™ve spent loands of money on therapy (general and psycho sexual therapy). Itā€™s been about 7 years since Iā€™ve had sex properly now. Iā€™m 33 and I crave sex all the time and it gets me really down at times (like now). All of this has started taking its toll on my professional life as well at times.

I love my wife and it would mean the world if I could incorporate the sex back into our lives.

Any thoughts / ideas / suggestions would be great.

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Thank you for sharing. Iā€™m not sure I have any advice other than it sounds like youā€™re taking all of the right steps, and that I believe in you. Your openness and story have touched me. Iā€™m 32 so perhaps I see some of myself in you.

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Truly same situation. Since im also on the program for long enough and fighting this anxiety for over 2.5 years and also have a lot of unsuccessful experiences im also very disappointed and hopeless. I think this is about ego and self esteem. Somehow i feel like i dont want to engage in sex just because im afraid to disappoint her again. Sometimes im trying to analyse myself what is turning me on when thinking about other girls and the only think i have discovered is that when imagining other girls im not thinking about how it will go and what the result will be. Simply i dont care about the girl. I came to the conclusion that once we passed the initial period ( honeymoon) and things got a bit serious i started to connect with her and make a bond, that actualy could have triggered the anxiety of loosing her in some way, in that period i had financial problems and for first time i couldnā€™t get it up. That was the start of the vicious cycles. I also have divorced parents, that leads to fear of abandonment in some situations. Fear of abandonment leads to pressure to perform and even get excited because subconsciously you are afraid to loose that girl. Thats why your erections are not showing up, because your mind tells you dont do it, better stay like that together instead messing up in bed and disappoint her even more :grinning: And the only think that can change that is letting go of the past and a general new way of thinking , which i couldnā€™t find out how to do it. One think i understand is it will be the same with any other girl i meet , in some point that childhood trauma will show up and fuck up everything because i will care too much.
So if you find yourself in the things i written we could fight it together :grinning:

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Hey - thanks for engaging with this thread. Indeed so much of it is about ego and self-esteem.

Itā€™s true that when thinking about other girls or engaging in fantasies, there is no thought about the result and the focus is only on the process. Like you, I only used to have drunken sex before I met my now-wife. In all of my time of having sex, I have only ejaculated once during sex. Most of the time, I ejacuated after sex with a blowjob or by masturbating afterwards.

I get what you said about the financial problems. When this issue first arose with me, I was experiencing a lot of work stress.

I find myself in a lot of what you have written actually. Thereā€™s so much trauma from my past - I saw my mother having sex with another man as a child, my father once shouted that he didnā€™t get erections with my mother whilst they were fighting and I heard this when I was young. For some reason, all of this seems to have become deep-rooted in my mindset. I donā€™t know where the trauma ends and where the healing starts reallyā€¦

Iā€™m so scared that my wife will leave meā€¦ and this adds to the anxiety. Soemtimes I even wonder why sheā€™s chosen to stay with me, does this kind of love even exist?

I appreciate you sharing your story and itā€™s relieving that I am not alone in this, we will succeed eventually and we will work towards it. This is what Mojo is forā€¦ We have to look after each other boys.

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I feel you Iā€™m more or less same situation now

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It can be very helpful to have couples therapy. it sounds as though you have put a lot of time into individual therapy - which I am sure has given you insights. If you can then do some work together - you can both hold the ā€˜responsibilityā€™ of co creating something new and something that works for both of you. Good luck ; )

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Itā€™s been 8 years for me, still get erections alone when waking up or masturbating but not when iā€™m with my wife

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Hope youā€™ve made some progress

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Your post hits hard for me, since I also went through long periods of almost no sex throughout my 10 year marriage.

One important realization for me was that it is very natural to desire other women than my wife, it is simply how (most but maybe not all) men (and probably also women) are wired. Just think about watching the same porn video again and again; I can watch the same video maybe 2 or 3 times before it becomes almost entirely uninteresting. This does not mean that you donā€™t find your wife attractive or whatever. Your brain is just bored and craves new exciting stuff.

This does not mean, however, that every relationship is destined to be sexless after the honeymoon phase. In fact there are couples who have sex for their entire lives even into their 70s etc. How they do it? I have no idea, I guess it is also different for everyone and one has to find their own way.

A first step for me was to realize that I do not need multiple partners. Whenever I had great sex with my wife I felt awesome for a few days and if I could somehow make that a more regular thing I would be completely satisfied sexually.

The thing that improved the situation for me was heavily regulating my porn and masturbation habits. Probably cutting out porn entirely is the best, but I donā€™t think it is necessarily required to cut out all porn, you have to find out for yourself.

Also, what worked for me was trying to focus my sexual desire on my wife through fantasy and masturbation, e.g. by using nude picture or videos. One should not force this though, it is a bit tricky, but it worked for me. The brain, and hence sexual desires, are conditionable to a surprisingly high degree. This will also give you confidence that you will get it up and reach orgasm with your wife.

Of course, there is also the aspect of performance anxiety and ED problems. Therapy and the app help with that. I donā€™t have much to add here.

The main point is that maintaining a long-term relationship, in particular an active sex life, requires work. It does not happen automatically. If you let yourself slide and escape to fulfill all your sexual desires with porn, you are killing the sex in your relationship in the long term. This is what happened to me and is probably happening to you. Fortunately, the situation is reversible.

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I appreciate your message and sharing especially how you have been able to overcome this!

I have cut out porn almost entirely over the last 1.5 years - that has helped me a lot. I understand totally what you are saying about watching the same porn video 2-3 times. Itā€™s all about the element of novelty. The bit I am struggling with is how to cut out / tailor the fantasies, for example, I could meet someone at work or in the gym and when I am alone, i find myself creating scenarios where I am trying to chat them up, seduce them or picture myself having sex with them. Itā€™s almost like the chasing part which really gets me going in my mind .

Do you have any advice on how you managed to focus your sexual desire? For example, I tried to picture her when masturbating but found it more difficult to get aroused compared to thinking about someone else random. I also find that when I am with her, even though I am erect, I tend to lose it even when she tries to give me head. I attribute that to fear of failure and anxiety which has affected other aspects of my life, as you said, therapy is there to help me with this.

Having not had sex with her in all those years, there is trauma on both sides and unless I am able to fix this, I am so afraid of losing herā€¦

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About focusing your sexual desire. As I said, thatā€™s tricky. I was fortunate that we filmed ourselves a lot earlier in the relationship (it is big a turn-on for my wife). I almost never watched those videos until I tried ā€œrefocusingā€. Now I get off to them very regularly and somehow I am enjoying them more and more, looking for stuff in old phones and also making new videos. I am also sprinkling in cute selfies of her not taken in a sexual context. Somehow, this contrast of the non-sexual pictures with videos of me banging her is a huge turn-on for me.

About finding it more difficult to get aroused thinking about her instead of someone else, thatā€™s normal and the same for me, but thatā€™s ok. You donā€™t have to think about the most arousing fantasy all the time. Just relax and try to enjoy, similar to the mindful meditation exercises.

The reason why itā€™s so hard is probably a combination of your brain craving excitement and your trauma due to sex issues in your relationship. The combination is what makes it so difficult, but I was able to make progress. Hope this helpsā€¦

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I totally fell you and have partied hard in my life and everything else that comes with playing the game, I thought that is fine back to bite me in the ass and this is the price I have to pay but personally after all this that Iā€™ve realised recently that I have forgotten that sex should be fun it shouldnā€™t be everything that I build and I base my masculinity on and the realization that I have forgotten how to have fun I forgotten to explore, I forgotten just to enjoy the moment thatā€™s in front of me heā€™s such a revelation and I donā€™t know if this is relevant and it this will help in any way but try and move away from it just being a reproduction organ and it needs to work like when you load a gun just focus on the fun and remembering that itā€™s just fun might actually take away a lot of this pressure that you feeling.

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I know exactly what you mean! When I was younger, I read the book The Game by Neil Strauss and tried to put these seduction techniques to practise and just wanted to pull girls on nights out. If I didnt, i would end up coming back home and masturbating or soliciting prostitutes.

This fucked me over for many years after and I am still suffering. I cannot meet a beautiful woman without thinking about how to get her into bed. Itā€™s like a curse more than anythingā€¦ Even though I am married now, I have been in a dead bedroom for about 8 years. I get erections when alone or when fantasising about seducing other women. What gets me hard is the pulling bit rather than the actual part of having intercourse.

I have a wife which I love very much and trying to find a breakthrough so that we can be intimate. For me, this is my definition of love. Even if we dont have the sexual element, we care and support each other.

I am trying, as you said, to enjoy the moment and the fun we have. I stay positive that one day it will happen. Thanks for sharing your experience and will appreciate any other thoughts people might have.

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I feel a lot of what youā€™re saying and what people have described in this post reflects what I am currently going through with my partner.

I love her dearly and only want to make her happy but I fear my hypersexualisation of women in the past and excess porn use and masturbation have made it hard for me to see her in a sexual way. Mainly as Iā€™ve associated sexualising women with degrading them (and i love and respect my partner too much to see her in this way).

I think also the hidden trauma of me being sexually molested as a child just adds to my confusion around healthy sex habits.

Iā€™ve recently decided to completely give up porn and want to rekindle that physical and sexual attraction i had for her when we first met.

Wishing everyone luck on their journey and thank you for sharing your stories. They help bring me hope.

If anything Iā€™ve said is relatable to your story, please feel free to comment. Or if anyone has any ideas or recommendations of what I can do to rekindle the sexual desire between me and my partner and help me get and keep an erection during sex, please feel free to comment.