Has anyone else dealt with erections issues tied to emotions?

I have been married for 12 years now. Wife and I have both physically changed in that time frame. I have a really high sex drive to where I’m always thinking about it or some form of it with my wife. Her on the other hand feels like it’s almost non existent. She would be ok if it was once a month while I’m going crazy just trying for once a week. Since it’s been this way for the last several years I’ve turned to porn and masturbation to release the stresses of not doing it as often as I would like. For a few years this has turned into almost a daily habit. I mentally know that what I watch is not the same as what’s happening in the bedroom. I’m just looking to have regular sex with my wife in a few different positions. The problem I’m having is staying erect after some foreplay. I’ve mentioned to her several times that she isn’t putting the same effort in as I am and it’s a little disheartening. She doesn’t give the same type of stimulations that I give her. Our relationship is fine and content everywhere else but the bedroom. I know my erection issues has a little to do with it because it does get disappointing when it doesn’t stay right at penetration. I can tell sometimes she wants to do it but since she doesn’t give emotion or stimulation I try to force different scenarios in my head mentally of how we used to be just to try to keep it erect and let the feeling takeover but it doesn’t work. At this point, because it’s always been a lack of sex and it hasn’t been a successful time I’m worried if maybe the last few years of always masturbating and porn has caused erection issues with keeping one when we do try for intercourse aside from not feeling the emotional attachment I’m looking for from her. I guess what I’m saying is, if I had more emotion a little more often then I wouldn’t feel the need for masturbation and porn. Hopefully this makes sense to somebody.

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I totally resonate with this. my issues are more recent occuring, last few times we’ve attempted aex, i failed to stay hard during penetration. We’ve been married 20 years, never jad a problem but I’ve always wanted more sex than she did. I’ve turned to porn and masturbation, almost daily or more. I think there has been some changes to my mental wiring and I’m working through this with the senate exercises and by being more direct. In my mind my wife just lays there while I pump but this osy inner critic, not reality. I am asking for more interaction but she’s worried about kids hearing. So, yeah we both have issues but we’re working on it. Be totally honest and open with your partner prompt those discussions. It’s hard going but that would be my advice.

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You have been married for 12 years - congratulations - this is a long relationship and it sounds as though much of it works and is enjoyable. It is really easy for the ses side of things to go off kilter. If you are not able to talk openly about things, resentments can grow and it can have a corrosive effect on things. It would be useful if you could have some couples therapy - even a few sessions - so you can have the conversations that will help. Long term relationships have to consider things differently. You may have to negotiate things - it sounds tough but actually once you start talking it will improve the tension so much. If you can find a therapist who is psychosexually trained that will help. You can then re connect and work out the next 12 years of fun! Good luck : )

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I went through the same thing. Years 8-10 were so hard on me. She was almost nonexistent in the relationship and I’d be lucky to get it once a month. She had gotten heavy and ended up having thyroid issues. Things got a little better after treatment but still were maybe 5-10% of what we had during the first years of marriage. I sat her down and we had a discussion ( we communicate very well so we didn’t require a therapist). We talked through it and made a “get-well” plan that we stuck to. I started taking her to the gym with me and we took her off birth control. She lost 50lbs that year and looks amazing (she is petite so this was quite a big change). She rebounded back to being just as sexually active (if not more) than when we were first married. It’s been a year and we cannot keep our hands off each other. Doing a deeper conversation later she admitted she was unhappy with how she looked/felt and it was turning her off. Lack of activity had her down and her inner critic was shutting her off. I wish you the best but wanted to share that it can get better!

Reading this thread was almost like if someone has been observing my own life for years. Litrelly in the exact boat, married 11 years and since two kids she has almost lost all sex drive and would never initiate. Also when I do it’s not a great as I build up anxiety and don’t last at all.

Turned to porn and masturbation . Stopped porn recently because it was really screwing my head.

But all that has given me ed, as I need way more stimulating to keep it up and she thinks it’s no big deal. Also into weird embarrassing kinks.

Only had PE Before and no whave Ed, feeling hopeless