The need to fantasise

I am 60 years of age and have never got off on anything other than lesbian porn. Unfortunately, when I met my future wife the only thing that got me hard was fantasising about her with another woman, never anything else. I hated myself for it but it was the only thing that worked. I was never in my own fantasies…just her with another woman. Then, after 35 years together she left me and I then met an absolutely stunning woman. Sex with her is different as there is much more foreplay and she loves being pleasured orally, which I love doing.

However, I’m trying to fight the urge to imagine her with another woman as I did with my wife but in addition to being unable to do that I’m also struggling to get - or rather stay - hard, or I’m getting rock hard during the sometimes very long oral sessions then going flaccid just as I’m about to enter her, or straight after I’ve entered.

Because this woman is much more open and sexually aware than my wife was we’ve talked about my issue and she has said it’s not unusual for a guy to think like that and has said that if I want/have to imagine her with another woman then do so, it doesn’t bother her. When I ask her what she thinks about when we have sex she says “nothing, I’m just in the moment”, and that I should try it. I’m not sure what that means but all I know is that I hate having to imagine her with another woman but I fear that 45 years of being hooked on lesbian porn as just hardwired me and I can’t just be in the moment and get/stay rock hard for the sexiest woman I’ve ever known.

Does anyone else have that problem…or am I just the freak I think I am and have been for so long now?


I have my own freaky imaginary kinks (and lived them in reality for a while), and sometimes the dreams pass through my mind when I’m with my girlfriend. I’ve recently tried not to be hard on myself and let myself be hard ‘downstairs’ because our minds do wander, and if letting it do so helps sometimes then she benefits too. However, I’m also trying cultivate new fantasies that include her, so that in time they’ll replace many of the old ones.

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I have done this as second nature during sex for years.

I frequently lose erections during sex and have to put my imagination in to overdrive and think about my fantasies, usually lesbian sex. In most cases i can main a semi erection, enough to finish the deed. I wish the act itself would suffice but suffer this affliction of needing my fantasies mid sex.

I do something like this. I think of some kinky scenario in my case. I try not to be hard on myself, but want to be more present, in the moment, and focused. When I forget to worry or even to think about things then I can just enjoy the real experience, but for me it’s the worry of losing arousal that brings me back to such fantasies.

I think your issue is completely normal for a lot of men, but so many of us are reluctant to admit our symptoms of porn addiction and allow the problem to further root. I’m 28 and have been working on undoing the affects of regular, sometimes daily porn-use for a bout a year now because I was experiencing similar difficulties finishing and ultimately feeling present during sex- a factor of sex I didn’t realize was so important to me until I entered my late twenties.

I won’t speak for everyone but as I get older I notice the way sex has shifted from being almost solely recreational in my early twenties (much more fixated on finishing myself) to intimate and engaging in my later twenties (prioritizing my partner’s needs / wants as well as my own). Unfortunately the issues you’ve talked about are ones that I began experiencing when intimacy became more important to me, and as a result there was a time when I got especially hard on myself for having such “detached” fantasies alone in my head during sex just so that I could finish.

Having been working on this for almost a year now, I don’t blame myself too hard for my situation and can see that I am getting better- undoing the damage of this much porn use has required a ton of discipline and is not without setbacks but it is absolutely possible. I hope that hearing how typical your situation is gives you some hope about connecting with your new girlfriend more in the future!

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