The effects of a long first relationship where sexual penetration was shunned

Hello friends. I’m a Mojo community member in his mid-20s, originally from a North African country, now living in Asia.

This is my first post, and I think the purpose of writing it isn’t very clear. Perhaps a mix of wanting to share for the sake of others who dealt with similar issues and wanting to get some advice or encouragement for my own sake.

I’ve been dealing with psychological ED for about 5 months, now with a second partner during those months, and Mojo has helped me improve a bit but I’m still not where I want to be.

Before those 5 months, I had been in a relationship for 5 years, my first serious one (I had no significant sexual experience before that). The last 6 months were long-distance which pushed me to move on, finally. The biggest issue that I dealt with during those 5 years is that even though I found my partner extremely attractive, she had relatively low libido and most importantly she refused to have sexual penetration. This was due to many factors, it seems, such as:

  • Her being from a very religious family that preaches that sex before marriage is shameful and that a woman who lost her virginity can’t get married, etc …
  • Her having some “minor” sexual trauma from childhood by a family member (We deemed it as “minor” but I believe any such act can be deeply hurtful)
  • Me being too well-endowed and very likely to hurt her a lot if we had normal, full intercourse (I’m a fairly tall guy, so I do have a very long/large penis, which I’m starting to hate, at this point)

IMO, these were clear signs of (most likely psychological) vaginismus, but she didn’t really seem willing to get medical help to treat it, so I just had to make do with years of only foreplay and, unfortunately, a lot of porn-assisted masturbation on my own to relieve my frustration.

What still haunts me to this day and makes me wish I could have one last discussion with this ex (to have some closure) is that I was very slowly but very seriously getting emotionally hurt by the hundreds of “rejections” I was getting. Every time I wanted to perform a very intimate act with someone I deemed closest, I get a “no” or a gentle push-away. I recall times when I thought I should seek some medical solution to lower my libido. I thought that if she, an intelligent and seemingly open-minded person, was so uninterested in normal sex something must be wrong with me.

I’ve been learning about how scarring rejection can be to our psyche, and it’s making me think that this could be a big part of what’s causing my ED (among other things, granted). The partners I’ve had after that long relationship were very sexually proactive, and though I thought that’s what I’d been waiting for my entire life, my libido and excitement for sexual interactions have been very low. Though I sometimes get excited in foreplay and can start penetration, in no more than a few minutes my erections get weaker and weaker until they’re gone. Perhaps my subconscious has been convinced that the act of penetration is scary, painful, and borderline unnecessary.

In my conscious mind, I’m convinced that a healthy sexual experience should include penetration, and I’m hoping that by following Mojo courses and taking care of my health, I can get there and finally completely move on from the frustrating memories that I suffered during my long first relationship.

Would love to hear any advice or stories about similar issues from you all. Cheers!