Iāve had a bit of a dependency on porn since I was very young. I was an early-bloomer and probably internalized a lot of concerns I didnāt feel comfortable or safe talking about with my peers. It was very isolating. That shame intensified when my family discovered my search history. I felt dirty and perverse for being interested in explicit content, especially the more aggressive porn that I was introduced to. And it got EVEN WORSE when I was outed to my parents by some of my classmateās family members. I wasnāt ashamed of my sexuality, but I was back in isolation. I felt alienated by my own nature because homosexuality wasnāt widely discussed or represented in my day-to-day life. Going back to the content I was exposed to, it fed me an unrealistic expectation, ideal, and even fantasies about gay sex. I placed my own value in my ability to satisfy my partners. When I wasnāt able to meet expectations that I convinced myself they had, I developed a complex of emotions tied to sexual intimacy. There was shame for sneaking around behind my familyās back for a booty call. There was fear of getting caught by members of my community, being taken advantage of, being exposed to STIās, and of being tricked into meeting with someone who wanted to physically harm me. And there was guilt for being a āwaste of time,ā wasted preparation, inability to satisfy or even be aroused. While Iām currently in a stable relationship where weāre exclusive and mutually attracted to each other, I still hold on to those past experiences and fears. They cloud my mind and distract me when I try to be more sexual with him. It leads to me being unable to receive pleasure which is something that I fear he will notice. Because of that, not wanting to let him down or feel like itās his fault, it only intensifies those insecurities. Itās a vicious cycle.
My hope in sharing this is that I can reach someone who experiences something similar. It doesnāt matter which part of my story resonates, you are not alone in your struggles, and I hope that through this, all of us can take back control of our sex lives. Also, if anyone has techniques that have worked for them in similar circumstances or any advice, I would love to hear about it. It just might be the solution to my problems.