Bisexuality, ED, and shame in a marriage

I am a bisexual man married to a straight woman. Whenever I have trouble staying hard or finishing, I feel a deep sense of shame that I’m not “man enough” or “straight enough” for my wife. She is incredibly understanding about both erectile problems and the mental baggage that sometimes comes with being a bisexual man in a committed monogamous relationship with a woman…so at the end of the day I know that occasional performance problems bother me more than they bother her. (She’s the best!) But they also contribute to future performance anxiety and a feeling that as a bisexual man I can’t be the sexual partner I want to be for my wife.

Anyone with similar experiences? How have you coped?

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Wow, thanks for sharing man.
I’m gay, or homo flexible let’s say, and my ED problems got a lot worse once I’ve committed to a monogamous relationship. Those horrible “not enough” feelings are painful as hell but you’re not alone. We’re fighting here for regain ourselves.
The courses and exercises are awesome but it’s a slow process.
Now I’m at a place that I’m understanding how my negative works. It’s hard to get out of that dark places after you’ve been there for so many time.

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Oof. So much truth here.

I feel a huge part of my ED has always been a fear that me exploring or accepting being bisexual might mean I “can’t go back” to being with a woman. I remember feeling that way in high school and it’s stuck with me forever. It doesn’t even seem to matter that I get better erections with women as a general matter of fact, I’m always in my head and worried about whether I can perform or not.

My wife and I have pursued ethical non monogamy in the hopes I could work through my shame. And it did lead to me having sex with a man with a positive mindset. But I still struggle a ton and now we’re pretty much in a dead bedroom because sex has become so daunting and stressful that I can’t even muster up the courage or energy to try. I either can’t get hard or I’ll ejaculate as soon as I do. All of my confidence is gone.

I can’t say I’ve figured out how to cope with it, I’m currently just trying to get back to a place where I feel comfortable trying to have sex again.

I’ve started a thread for men who sleep with men somewhere else on this message board so might be worth checking that out - I get the sense that shame is gonna feature a lot with us guys. Also, the author Brene Brown has written a lot about shame and vulnerability, and her work has helped me process these things. She’s got some good videos up on Youtube too.

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