This is just my current struggle, in case anyone is experiencing something similar and needs a reminder that they are not alone.
Since the beginning of my journey in the gay world, my body has not responded to sexual acts in a way that aligns with my desires. When I first opened up to M/M sexuality, notably at a very young age, I always assumed the imaginary role as the bottom. When I started to actually have sexual encounters with other men, I followed what I had built up in my head. I do enjoy being the receiving partner. A lot of my own pleasure is emotional and comes from satisfying my partner. But I have never been able to orgasm as the bottom. I know that only some people do, not everyone’s bodies respond to stimuli the same way, but the issue then came to a head when I was in my last relationship before my current BF. We were both vers and I was only ever able to cum while I was topping. It took me a while to be comfortable enough around him to get and maintain an erection but once I did the first time, it was smooth sailing from there. Now, in my current relationship, my partner is self-conscious about bottoming and doesn’t seem to be comfortable with me playing with his butt, let alone topping him. There’s a sort of guilt I experience because I am not showing physical signs of arousal to the same extent he does. We are both very attracted to each other, but my fear is that he doesn’t receive that reassurance sexually. Because he is strictly a top and I’m not willing to or intend to convince him before he’s ready, I feel I’m getting further and further away from “proving” I’m sexually attracted to him. The idea that he’s disappointed in himself or even the stability of our relationship is overwhelming to the point where I can’t purposefully get or stay hard.
If anyone has any tips on how to show my sexual attraction and desire in ways that don’t involve mutual climax, it would be helpful at least until I can regain control of my body’s response to sexuality.