So this is a bit complicated so I’ll try and type it out as concisely as possible.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. When we met, we discussed which role we would take on in the bedroom as I feel like is an important conversation for any new monogamous gay couple to have. I’ve only topped in the past and he said he has mostly topped but would bottom for me, and vice versa.
When we first had sex, I bottomed and it was great. I then went a few months bottoming consistently whilst asking and waiting for him to bottom eventually, as he knew I wanted to and as we agreed on. Whilst waiting for this to happen and discussing sex, he proceeded to tell me he has bottomed twice in the past - one time he enjoyed it but the other time he had to tap out due to pain. This made me feel very upset as I constantly had thoughts of “why am I not good enough”, “why is he willing to share parts of himself with his strangers that he can’t share with me”, etc. I never let this problem go and was consistently asking to have conversations about and discuss this, but unfortunately resentment started to grow and I felt like he was having his cake and eating it.
We then had another conversation in which he came clear to me that he was embarrassed about not being able to perform well, and how I was so good at bottoming when I first did it for him that he didn’t want to disappoint me, so swept it under the rug instead. After this conversation, we promised to work harder at this as he, or we to an extent, had our heads buried in the sand about this. I promised to be patient with him and gentle and to support him, as long as he at least tried.
In the months since then, our sex was far less frequent, partially due to us moving in with his parents which he alleged made him feel more on edge about having sex, which is understandable to an extent. I constantly felt embarrassed about asking to top and felt like I was forcing him, and like he didn’t really want to. When I would get to the point of topping, I’d constantly be in my head about whether I was performing well or whether he would be into it or enjoying it, which unsurprisingly was not conductive to me maintaining an erection or performing well.
To add another layer of complexity to the situation, I found out that four months into our relationship, he posted on a forum requesting slave training over Skype. I found this out the other day when I asked to follow him on said forum, and he didn’t delete the posts and told me he forgot he did it. He then proceeded to lie about it. He started a call with one person and proceeded to end it out of fear, as the person on the other end of the call proceeded to threaten sexual assault. I know this as I got him to show me the call logs on the calls app. He has expressed profound regret and apology and humiliation and has promised this is not something he has done before or since. He also said that he did this as he was embarrassed to tell me or show me what he was really into. So, I now feel like I’ve been fighting a battle I can’t win as he was not showing eagerness to bottom and I did not have a known aim to fulfil, as I now know that he would rather be dominated and ordered around in order to bottom, rather than gently being asked. However, I’ve known nothing in this situation other than to tread on eggshells. This is something we’re working on privately and he has told his parents about it, which I respect as he is not the type to discuss matters like these with his parents. I’ve constantly felt on edge and resentful and embarrassed about my performance, and the fact that I cannot be given the same courtesy or openness or eagerness that a hookup or stranger on the internet.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice for me in this moment? He has promised this has given him the kick he needs to be a man and to be honest and to follow through with what he says he wants and needs. I will find peace with this in time. I felt like the video calling thing would be useful to include in this post for context and why I feel the way I feel, but in essence, I just want to regain my confidence and peace in the bedroom and be the top I have been in the past and know I can be now.
If anyone got to the end of this then thanks so much for reading.