Feeling outmatched

I’ve been happily married for 5 years now. Were both in our mid-30s and we’re both very happy. But we have very different ideas about sex. He’s has a lot of sexual experience in his college and adult years…and I’ve had almost none until we started dating. We enjoy side play, but every time I try to top I lose my erection within a minute or two. It’s like the moment I need to “perform” my mind goes numb. I have no idea where it comes from but maybe it’s me wondering if I’m living up to his experiences with other guys. Part of it is I have no idea what I’m doing. Where do I position myself? How do I thrust? Is he feeling good? Am I doing it right? I wish I had more experience like him. Or I wish there were ways to get better at topping besides during sexual encounters…like practice, you know?

1 Like

Hey. I’m straight so I can’t give you any insight into topping training but, like you, I am a married man who has gotten into his head way too many times in the past about if I was pleasing a spouse or not. I think that anytime we get into “mind reader” mode it leads us down the path we don’t want to be on. The best thing would be to communicate how you are feeling to your partner and work on it together. One thing that you could do is get an app or some cards that give you different sex positions to try together and treat it as a not serious bedroom date night challenge. Some of those positions require you to be a world class gymnast so if you don’t take it too seriously, it leads to you all communicating through it and laughing together while you try which will get you out of your head a bit. It will also allow you to focus on your connection instead of the mechanics of sex which is most important.

4 Likes

Sounds as though you are doing a lot of thinking - in your head a lot of the time and getting more anxious. Communication will be important - it can feel scary being vulnerable but it really will help you both understand what you enjoy and hopefully give you a more secure and fulfilling relationship. Good luck!

1 Like

ive got major top anxiety too! not to mention bottom anxiety. i just cant seem to control my mood, whether i’ll be into it or not, whether i’ll get hard or not. i would like more power over this part of my life too!

4 Likes

i have top anxiety too! cant seem to control whether i’ll be hard enough to top or not, would really like to gain some power over it.

1 Like