I’m seeing a new girl who I have chemistry with and I feel sex is approaching. I feel if I tell her about my ED issues before our first sexual encounter, this will only make both of our minds expecting for me to not get it up. Should I wait until after the first situation of not getting it up to tell her about this issue just so the mental narrative is not so highlighted? Anyone have experience with this situation?
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I normally try and have a discussion about STIs etc. before having sex with someone. During this talk I just say something along the lines of “sometimes when I’m with someone new I can have trouble getting fully or staying hard, but it’s nothing to do with you, so let’s just have fun and see where it goes”. I’ve never had a bad reaction to this, it helps to take the pressure off and if I’m not able to keep it up there’s no awkward explanation needed.
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I just went through this sane situation with the girl I’m seeing. I would approach it that you can get a n erection and try it’s a great asset of masculine energy. After that be open about it don’t rush the sexual encounter and create real attraction before that it will help her understand if you can’t get an erection. For me I was able to have intercouse on the 2nd try that first sexual encounter then could not get an erection in the morning. Our 2nd sexual experience I couldn’t get it up locked up and did not talk about it making the entire situation worse and she felt bad leaving that night. . I spoke to her about it outside the bedroom about it and it made me feel confident. I have no problems the 3rd sexual experience and thought I was out of the woods I spent the night at her place yesterday attempted to get aroused a dozen times and have sex 3 or 4 times. I really opened up about my troubles since I lost virginity and how I’m worried I’m going to loose her from this she was nothing but supportive which makes me feel guilty I am taking more from the real stop ship than giving. This is my first time still have performance anxiety after achieving intercourse with a partner and frankly don’t know where to go but loosing her is so scary to me to won’t stop trying and do anything I can to make it through this I believe you you we are going to make it through this
I had a similar experience with my current girlfriend. I was at her place for the first time and she invited me into her room. I knew sex was a strong possibility but I was worried that I had errection issues before, particularly with new people.
After some thought I decided to tell her. I said that I’d love to join her in the bedroom for cuddle but somtimes it takes me a little while to feel fully comfortable with a new person.
She was really receptive and supportive. And actually I felt a huge sense of relief because now we were just going to have a cuddle and anything else was a nice bonus.
It turns out I did have errection issues that first time. But I no longer felt ashamed or stressed about it because I was open up front and we still had a really nice time rolling around in the sheets and kissing.
She invited me back and the next time I did have an errection and we did have sex. I flet so much more comfortable and safe coming to her place the second time even though I did not have an errection the first time. This made all the difference and allowed me to feel relaxed enough to become aroused. Was it an immediate errection that second time? No it wasnt, but each time I saw her it was a little easier and easier. Now it’s hardly issue for us.
If I hadn’t told her the first time I think this would have only made me more stressed with more performance anxiety the second time.
So yes my recommendation is to be brave enough to be open. You’ll find women are really understanding and supportive and it gives yourself permission to relax and move at your own pace.
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I think the advice all the above comments gave is perfect. Sharing your feelings about potential performance anxiety beforehand is so healthy. It shows you are a courageous person who can communicate. Most people are doing to be attracted and not repulsed by that.
When I was having some anxiety and had some performance issues after my divorce I had a couple of bad experiences without sharing ahead but neither woman shamed me as I tried to keep the situation intimate and focused on them. When I shared the potential PA ahead of time with two separate woman they both were so kind and nice I ended up not having an issues at all!
Communication is key!
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Amazing advice from everyone the best route in my experience is to talk about it and be honest. If a women isn’t open to that she probably isn’t worth the time. The fact that you are wanting to talk about it disarms it and makes the entire experience better for you and her in the future. I like to tell myself you can’t move forward until the unsaid is said
Wait and bring it up if it comes to that. No reason jinxing yourself.
Hi… I am having erection issue since 2 years now. I generally have erection during masturbation but can’t have during intercourse. After repeated failures I don’t even feel like trying anymore. How do I explain this to my wife. She is supportive but wants me to atleast try. She gets frustrated for me not trying. Can any one help me with this.i really want to get out of this situation
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Yes. All the time.
Here’s an excerpt from a book called “The Mystery of the Missing Erection.”
www.mothernovel.com (2nd book)
Once it seems like things are headed to the bedroom (this could be after 15 minutes of meeting, or after the fourth date over several weeks), tell her before you get in bed, but after you’ve asked if you can kiss her and received a positive answer (generally a good indication that things might be going further) tell her that your ED could be an issue.
Here’s what I say: “Hey, there’s something I want to tell you. It seems like we could, maybe, possibly end up sleeping together at some point/tonight, and I want to tell you ahead of time that I might not get it up. It might not be a problem because I’m so attracted to you, but it might be and so I want to tell you about it ahead of time. If I don’t get it up, I don’t want you to think it’s because of anything you do or don’t do. You are a hot sexy woman and you turn me on – that’s why I’m with you tonight. It’s just that sometimes I get too much in my head when I’m with someone new. Sometimes I have to be with someone a few times before everything works. I just don’t want you to think it’s about you if it doesn’t happen because I’m really excited and I feel lucky to be with you.”
You are doing a few things here:
• You are protecting your partner’s emotions. Women can often feel confused, ashamed and even guilty when their parter doesn’t get it up. They wonder if they aren’t sexy or aren’t doing the right moves. It’s painful for them. The fact that you are concerned about how your partner feels demonstrates that you are a caring person. I can’t see how any woman or any person wouldn’t want to sleep with a man like that.
• You are complimenting your parter. “You are hot and sexy.”
• By saying you might not get an erection, you are making yourself hyper vulnerable. This is a great message for your subconscious. If she responds in a positive manner, your subconscious is going to feel very secure, a necessary ingredient for your erection to flow.
• You are removing your pressure to perform. You are telling yourself, your subconscious and your potential partner that this might not work. This brings expectations to zero. She’s not going to expect you to get an erection, and when you don’t, that’s ok.
• You are removing her pressure to perform. You’ve just told her it’s not about her, she doesn’t need to feel insecure about it, and hopefully this means she can just enjoy the encounter no matter what happens.
• You are creating the space for a sexual intimate pleasurable act that can be viewed as satisfying, meaningful and complete without intercourse or a hard penis.
The strangest thing about this strategy is the following: every time I’ve done it this way, I never have had an ED problem. It’s like it takes a load of my unconscious and the erection just flows.
I hope you have the same success.
I would also add that continuing the Mojo program will help a lot. The resources they have put together with this app are amazing. I wish I had access to this when my ED began 10 years ago.
will@willrichards.ca
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Not exactly but i have that from time to time
My experience has been very similar to many described here. When I met my current girlfriend, I told her that I needed some time to warm up to a new person and feel comfortable. That I sometimes struggle to get or maintain my election. She’s been very patient and understanding.
I’m seeing a new person after a breakup a little over a month ago and I always see that “breakup sex is what you need to get over your ex” but it has been impossible for me to get it up with this new girl. I talk to her about it openly and she’s very sweet and understanding, but I completely emasculate myself in my own head and tell myself that I’ll lose this new person because of the problem. Of course that wreaks havoc on my fight or flight response when things get spicy between us.
It’s hard to want sex after going through the deeply traumatic experience of a breakup, yet I know I need it to fully connect with new people. I feel as though I have no control whatsoever of my penis and it might as well be somebody else’s. I constantly worry myself about how long this issue will last and I desperately want to get better. I’ve discovered that my brain is putting up a wall to prevent me from getting an erection because sex has deep meaning to me and I know to do it with someone new means to let them into my life, yet that’s what hurt me so deeply last time. For this reason, the fight or flight concept resonates very clearly with me.
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Keep in mind that a “sexual situation” doesn’t just involve sex. There’s lot of other things you can do to set the stage and create a meaningful moment. Use those moments as time to build energy and to ask questions. I don’t recommend just saying “btw I have ED” but use the initial moments as a chance to ask questions and learn what works best/doesn’t.
Tell her! If she understands and helps you feel comfortable about the sexual experience then you should feel assured that you have a woman worth your time.
I’m having a serious problem maintaining an erect ion. I’ll perform oral on her, and I’m so extremely hard. She will orgasm then I’ll go to penetrate her. But I completely lose my erection. She is ready to break up because of this. She thinks it’s because of her.
What c as n I do ? I do not want to lose her.
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In my experience, I’ll just mention it if it actually becomes an issue during sex. So if I have trouble during the act I’ll mention that I’m shy or anxious when I’m having sex with someone for the first few times, and that I need to get to know them. That usually results in my partner helping me out with more foreplay and touching and then they know it isn’t because of anything wrong with them.
Honestly the “being hard” part is such a tiny part of sex. It feels way bigger to us than the other person. I had a couple of failed attempts in a row and when I brought it up my girlfriend didn’t even know what I was talking about. She literally didn’t even notice / care / remember.
Women care way more about you being mentally present than the “performance.” Regardless if you are hard or not, just stay present.
I wouldn’t discuss it beforehand. Just have fun and if the need arises, just chat after.
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I have a little experience with this. The only difference was that I did not know that I had ED. Communication avoids many arguments, altercations, and issues. If you communicate your soon temporary condition with her, she should be able to appreciate your vulnerableness. It takes a mature and secure man to show this level of vulnerability. If she doesn’t choose to understand what you are dealing with, it is up to you to love yourself enough to put a boundary on sexual intimacy with her or walk way and pursue someone who will. I recently struggled with keeping the little man up on the first sexual experience with a new partner. This led to an emotional discussion, but, we both talked about it and now we are better off. I am making steps to eliminating ED and we are both comfortable with being intimate with each other during the process.
Amazing reply.
I have literally just done that with my new partner. She was so supportive.
Love this, this really helped me. Thank you!