Hi everyone.
New to this site and thought that i would share my story.
38 now and never had any problems until about 18 months ago when having sex with my partner, all of a sudden my erection deflated like a balloon.
It planted a seed in my head and ever since that time, i was able to have sex bit every now and again i would go soft during sex. My partner (now my ex funnily enough) wasnt very understanding and made me feel like s**t. As you can imagine, this knocked my confidence but i buried my head in the sand.
Im now with a new partner and she is amazing. But i psych myself out before we have sex and once, i just couldnt get an erection. She was really understanding but since then, ive taken no chances and been using 50mg sildenafil which seems to do the trick but i cant keep doing this long term. I now cant even masturbate without going soft and its starting to really play on my mental health and making me feel that im not good enough for this amazing woman? What content on here did you all find the most useful? Need to nip this in the bud now
If you are physically fine then you should try meditation, reverse kegels and mindfulness. I am new to the forum as well and these things along with talking to a counselor is helping me get there, earlier I was not able to make it hard even when I am with my spouse but now I can atleast do that but it still goes soft after sometime during sex but it’s better than before, it takes time but I believe with practice it can be achieved.
Hey guys.
Im new to the site and due to this being seemingly open and non-judgemental forum I thought i’d share my story and maybe ask some questions.
So, around the age of 11 is when i became sexually active. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it was a gay awakening. Now, cuz I didnt really have the best parental unit, I didnt get the birds and the bees talk. Why would I if parents are filipino, catholic, and traditional as heck? So, i did what any dysfunctional teen did and learned about sex the best way i could, porn, the internet, and word of mouth. Unfortunately, this led to alot of unsavory choices. Like, getting on Grindr constantly at the age of 13, fresh after coming out to family and getting beat because of it, screwing a bunch of older men under the guise of someone old enough, sometimes in the comfort of home and sometimes by getting picked up by them. But, mostly the goal was to do it cuz i was horny and to feel wanted or “loved”. Depressing and heavy sht, kinda dumb, i know*. When i turned 16, I got heavy into partying and abusing a bunch of party drugs (pills, poppers, blow, X, acid, shrooms, weed) and alcohol and this went on for 4 years. Most of it was to suppress the rough stuff from the teen years (seemingly meaningless/abusive relationships, sexuality struggles, sexual activity, etc.)
Then the pandemic hit. Forced me to get clean (going on 3 years) and got encouraged to settle all the trauma in a healthy way and do better for myself. Now, im at a point where im sorting alot of things out, im more cognizant, and sex really means something to me.
My current situation is that I met this guy a whiiiile ago who I actually feel alot of things for. The only thing is is that when it comes time to “do the deed” sometimes i get trouble. Dont get me wrong, he’s extremely attractive and he definitely gets me in the mood but, for some reason my piece doesnt register sometimes. What do you think the issue is?
I would add that identifying negative thoughts and repacing them with positive adfirmations works for me. Try the performance anxiety meditation series.
Also try slowly lowering the viagra dose. For me 6mg still works wonders even if i’m anxious. I just split a 50mg pill into 4 and then again i split every piece in 2.
Sorry to say but if the girl makes you feel like shit it’s better that you dumped her.
Also not getting it up during masturbation is probably that you start masturbating just to prove to yourself that you are alright wich makes it like a test, that you pressure yourself to pass. Give yourself a break for a few days.
Man, if a woman really loves you for who you are she will not care that you are suffering for anxiety or you can’t get it up or you need to take a pill. Because she will love you for whonyou are as a person not just for your dick. You are not your anxiety.
It sounds like you’re experiencing what I’ve found to be a fairly common problem, which is it happened before and it’s haunting you now every time. I’m guessing it’s a head game, which I believe is true for most of us, so mindful meditation may help, as @delighted-red-grasshopper recommended. Meditation has really helped me step out of myself and understand when I’m stressed (and not). Mostly as guys dealing with ED I think we need to learn how to get back into our sexual flow space, which often means learning to bypass the negative thinking, spectating, and trauma, and that path is going to be different for everyone. I’ve personally found putting pressure on getting hard is the dealth nail to my erections, so I try to get into a relaxed, pressure-free zone where I’m not expecting anything of my penis. I’ve been doing a lot of work learning to connect with and love my body and have made really great progress there. Now I’m trying to learn how to create that space with a partner.
Thanks for being honest and open. It sounds like you could have a lot to untangle and a therapist may be helpful to guide you through it? Sex may be the ultimate form of acceptance and love we feel and there may be some trauma/programming you’ll want to unpack and deal with before finding comfort in a healthy and fulfilling sex life?
Thank you for that last paragraph. That’s where I am now. I know I’m just in my own head, but I keep feeling like a failure when it comes to sex. My current girlfriend is amazingly understanding and says “we’ll figure it out”. It’s the most amazing thing she can say to me on the topic. Thank you again.