Reverse psychology exercise

First, just a bit about me just to explain how vastly different our experiences can be (and because I’ve enjoyed reading other people’s contextual situations too).

I am 45, in great physical condition (so no underlying issues—it’s all psychological), I’m polyamorous and have two partners currently (both with a higher sex drive than me), and I’m also demisexual. Which is a fucking weird position to be in, let me tell you. I’ve never had a high degree of sexual desire, really, and was in a 13-year marriage with a beautiful person I still care for a great deal, which was essentially sexless but I told myself it wasn’t important enough to ruin a relationship over.

But Covid and massive lockdowns (I’m Australian) pointed out a few other things that •were•, and now here we are. I’m pretty much getting back in the saddle after years of basically no sex at all, and trying to undo some of my less helpful blocks (such as the discipline of coming to terms with a sexless relationship for example).

Anyway, I’ve found that sometimes using a bit of reverse psychology can help. To begin, you have the honest discussion with your partner and just say “look, it’s unlikely that penetration will happen, I’ve been struggling with this, is it okay if we just muck around and don’t actually get to it?” Something like that. Admit that the pressure is a thing, you’re not wild about it but you still want to get into some of that sexy rummaging.

Any partner worth their salt should be willing to accommodate that (and if not… red flag, man!). Sometimes it can relieve some of their unspoken anxieties too. Also, many women in my experience are surprisingly empathetic and will leap at the chance to be supportive in that regard.

So… then the pressure’s off, right? You can have fun without having to worry (as much—we are human after all). Think about it… permission •not• to have to get hard; she isn’t expecting anything and nor should you. Do it now—have a think about that. It can actually be pretty liberating.

The point is, it’s a no-lose situation. If you don’t get hard… well, that’s what you planned, right?Nobody’s going to judge you for it. In fact, it’s a kind of success in a roundabout way, and you still get some intimate fun.

I’ve done it heaps of times and while it’s not a for-certain thing at all that you can legit trick yourself, it can really help that basic mindset which fuels our fear of failure (by taking away the possibility of failure itself; not getting hard is a win condition if you set it to be so up-front).

However, if you DO get hard and horny and it goes well, fucken break the shit out of that rule and go for it. Compliment your girl on how well she helped get you through it—didn’t think that would happen, it’s beyond expectations, you’re so hot I couldn’t help myself, etc. Trust me; it will score you points.

And you may be surprised how eager a good partner might be to just have some fun touching, you can go down on one another or whatever—just go with it knowing you then don’t •have• to get hard in that horrible moment we all dread. And it might even lead you to some other sexy stuff you didn’t even know you enjoyed.

One of the fundamental tenets of relationship anarchy (my type of polyamoury) is to be truly transparent about your desire and what you want (it’s key to meaningfully having multiple partners and managing things like jealousy, imo), but through that practice I realised that if the transparency includes being upfront about ED it can be such a relief, and often bring these lovely close and intimate moments that were quite unexpected.

And you might also gradually learn that being hard isn’t even that much of a prerequisite to overall “sex”, of which penetration is just a part. It took me a while to “believe” that, because I think it’s part of our patriarchal culture to think otherwise. It’s what we’re taught our whole lives. But let me tell you, brother… it need not be so.

Believe me, there’s some awesome shit to be done with a partner that has nothing to do with your dick. Let her touch you everywhere but, for example… you might be surprised how nice it is. Shibari can be fun. Get yourself a feather and some wax and go to town on blindfolded sensual stuff. You won’t regret it.

Anyway, good luck. Its worked some wonders for me personally (though don’t get your expectations up too much; remember that the function of the experiment is to take that pressure •off• yourself, so don’t go putting it back in some other way!). I thought I’d chuck it on here and if it even helps one other fella here, I’ll consider that a huge win.


I totally agree, I’ve had many sexual partners say they had the best orgasm ever with no penetration because I work hard to please so taking the pressure off penetration being the jewel in the crown can inadvertently help you to relax and that may bring on an erection.


Great insight, I’d like to try that but I’m worried my partner can’t get off without penetration I love doing everything I can for her short of penetration but without fail at the height of her pleasure she ends up begging for me to put it in her which is hot as heck and I couldn’t be harder until I get in and we both can tell I’m not as hard as I could/should be or there is a slight interruption or readjustment and so begins the disappoinment for both of us

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