I have never had ED in the past with previous sexual partners or my ex girlfriend. However, when I started seeing a girl who would come to be my girlfriend I went soft one of the first times we had sex. Then I fell into a feedback loop where I was worried I would go soft and couldn’t get it up. I am fit and healthy so knew it was psychological. I decided to get viagra which helped a lot to regain my confidence and stop questioning myself, and eventually no longer needed the pills. However, I then went soft one time she was giving oral. I then got back on viagra however, this did not solve it as when she would go down on me I would panic that I would go soft and then it would happen. Another issue is she asks if I am going soft when I am actually pretty hard which then kills my erection. I’m not sure what course of action to take and I now panic before sex because I don’t want her to think I have some weird erection problem, or for her to think that it is her killing my erection.
Sounds very familiar! I’m in a 7 year relationship and suddenly the last few times I went soft after foreplay, and even when she tried giving a blowjob. I did tests and I know it’s purely psychological. The ‘spectatoring’ and performance anxiety exercises really helped me understand this when I did them this week. And possibly the Inner Critic/Coach ones. I haven’t had the chance to put them into action ‘in the field’ yet. I fear the doubt that was sown recently has caused some trauma that will be hard to shake off, but only time will tell (and maybe that’s just my IC talking…)
I’m curious if you have any thoughts about why it happened the first time (and subsequent times), like what was your frame of mind, what was the relationship like with your partner at the time, do you have a history of receiving oral successfully? Personally, I go soft like every time my wife has tried (of the very few attempts). For me I think it’s a pressure/spectatoring thing (and possibly rooted even deeper in ideas about sex from a strict religious background that I’ve been unpacking more recently). But it could also be your partner wasn’t giving good oral. Maybe it was painful? I don’t know. Just ideas to consider. Regardless it does feel like you’re in a negative loop that hopefully the Mojo exercises can help you work around, unless there is something more involved you may need to work through. Maybe have a conversation with your girlfriend (not while you’re having sex) in which you gently explain that talking about going soft isn’t helpful for you, along with anything else that might diffuse some of the panic in the moment. Open conversation with a partner can do wonders for the anxiety associated with sex.
Thanks for your reply! The first time it happened I wasn’t completely soft and it during sex when changing positions. She asked if I was going soft which killed my erection. Following that it was more a worry of going soft when she could tell so thats why it manifested more with oral. Its frustrating that thinking about the thing you don’t want to happen, causes that exact thing to happen. I was in a two year relationship previously and had great oral and loved receiving it (never had a problem going soft). I have started trying to reframe my mind during foreplay to focus on the sensations in other parts of my body and not worry about my penis at all which helps. Also when she gives me oral now I focus on the pleasure and take a bit more control over what I want done.