Hi all! Im a guy in his mid thirties and as the title says, I can get hard in literally seconds of even just scrolling the thumbnails of porn but when it comes to having sex with my partner, I can’t get fully hard. I’ve been in this relationship for almost 2 years and we’ve had so much incredible sex. I’m more comfortable with her and more attracted to her than any other partner I’ve ever had. The problem is I’ve only been able to have sex with her while using ED meds. I’ve been off the meds and porn for months now and I’ve been using mojo’s exercises and techniques but I’m not making any progress. The problem is we can’t have sex often due to our schedules. We maybe get twice a month sometimes and so it’s hard to practice together and there’s so much pressure when we do see each other that I just can’t get hard.
That being said, the focus of my question is around porn. I believe years of watching porn to masterbate has wired my brain and body to only be aroused by porn. I open pornhub and I’m half way hard by the time I get to the 4th thumbnail and full hard before the video I chose has even started with no meds, dry without even touching myself. This is exactly what I want to happen when I see my partner naked or we start kissing…or anything with her!
Cutting out porn isnt enough by itself and I can’t practice with her frequently enough to get a handle on it. I’ve gone through the mojo phases and have worked in most of the things I’ve learned into my daily life but I’m still not getting anywhere.
I’ve been able to get hard by myself without porn but it definitely takes much longer and if I don’t stay extremely focused, it gets difficult to get past half hard.
The only issue I have is getting hard. Once I’m fully hard, I have incredibly good orgasm control and I can stay hard no problem. I’m extremely confident that I can have sex for hours because I’ve studied and practiced tantric techniques for years. I’ve done kegels and reverse kegels close to every single day for my whole adult life after getting a book called Tantric Sex for Men. But with my partner, I’ll get half way hard sometimes and it just dies off and most times I can’t get hard at all. I’ve talked to her about this and she is very supportive although there’s still times she can’t get past thinking it’s her and times when she’s frustrated by it.
Has anyone had success overcoming this kind of behavior? What helped the most?
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It sounds like you’re doing everything right, except you seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself. One thing that helped me with this was mediation. It helped me get out of my head and stop thinking about what “should be.” This helped me to both gain more acceptance of my situation but also actually helped myberections by being less nervous.
Hey man!
I really connected with everything you shared. It seems like no matter how much I try and want to, sex just doesn’t feel as good as jerking off or watching porn. Have you found the app to help?
I am definitely finding the app helpful! The most important thing it’s given me is hope and direction. With so many people sharing the same issue and so many success stories, that gives me the hope I need to buckle down and realize it just takes dedication and patience!
I also struggle with depression and anxiety and I’ve learned a lot about myself having to overcome those conditions. What I’ve learned is that it’s all about the neurological system. Your body develops neurological pathways (muscle memory) in response to all sorts of conditions and when you go into fight or flight mode, the physical reaction you have to whatever triggered that response develops extremely powerful pathways because it relates to survival. So basically your body remembers the response to that stress because you survived so it thinks it must do that again to survive if that makes sense. Of course I’m no doctor and these are my own theories based on research and experimentation.
Coming to that conclusion has helped me visualize how I can heal myself without meds (for depression, anxiety and ED) by teaching my body how to physically respond calmly to stress which develops new neurological pathways. So what I’ve done with my depression and anxiety is use meditation as an anxiety pill. I feel my normal response approaching and I turn to meditation to show my body how to be respond calmly and that has helped tremendously! Now I’m applying the same principles to ED but it’s way slower than I want but I think its because it’s tied so strongly to my love for my partner. It’s not just about me, at this stage, I have someone else to disappoint and I can’t practice with her every day. I do think it’s going to work and the app has given me so many tools to use and so I’m committed to getting better! For me, I do think the other response was accurate, that I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself and that’s something I’m working on.
I sincerely hope this perspective helps!