Pillow Princess?

Forgive my word usage if it’s derogatory… wife of 12 years doesn’t seem engaged at all. Very mechanical, lays on back, little to no kissing… just eyes closed, missionary only and expects me to do it all and usually wants it all wrapped up in five minutes.

We’ve talked about it and she expressed that she really doesn’t want to change or do anything else - that she hasn’t changed and that approach never bothered me before (ED started late last year).

My desire is very high, she’s frustrated about my lack of performance despite frequent trying.

I can’t ask for more, but at this point hell I’d be all for just making out like our old high schools days.

Anyone else experience this? Any tips?

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I am sort of going through this a bit now and it’s hurting me to be honest - I think the discussion and relationship side is likely what’s needing attention for us - she feels middle aged, fat and unsexy. I am needing to take some working on myself (hence mojo) before I can have this discussion in a positive - I sound like i’m demanding sex which natuarally turns her off even more!

So thoughts are with you hope you can find a path - please share if you do !


It’s interesting how many times this has come up. I wrote a similar post about my situation. There seem to be many more with the same theme. I actually told my wife, that I wanted to get back to kissing and making out, even taking a pause from sex, to start over. She hasn’t given me a response.


How old are you guys, what kind of physical shape are you in, and what kind of physical shape are your wives in?

I’m 54 as is she. Average middle aged physical shape for us both. We’ve been together 30+ years and of course many life ups and downs along the way - just a bit of low patch currently.

We’re both mid 30s, healthy, I’m OK BMI she’s great and hot as ever.

Just two days ago, after another ED experience, I asked that we just go back to hands only for a few weeks. She said she’d think about it.

And man- just putting the pressure of penetration off the table has been a huge weight off my shoulders. Huge. Actually slept two nights in a row for the first time in months. Gave a back rub and got hard pretty quick (didn’t do anything with it). No fast heart beating or nervousness.

It’s all in my head. I know it’s all on my head, but that doesn’t make it any easier to overcome.

Two things I’m learning and trying right now; one is that I feel I’ve gotten to a low that I really can’t go any lower. I’m over feeling sorry for myself or feeling bad about the ED stuff. I just don’t care about it anymore; I want to be over it and just thinking “f it” I don’t care about worrying myself to death has been somewhat of a help.

The other thing is communication and taking penetration, specifically, off the table for a bit until I get comfortable again. That’s been a major relief. Hell right after the ED the other night after talking it out I got hard.

I’ve tried pills, but that’s not the problem. They have actually made it worse by making me feel more pressure to get hard.

I’ve tried taking a shower beforehand just to cool my head- was hit and miss.

I’ve tried just thinking about calming down before sex… hit and miss.

I’ve learned NOT to force it. Never force it just because it’s been awhile or because it’s Saturday or whatever. Forcing it while being not sure has resulted in ED pretty much every time.

I think my next steps to try are to regain comfort. It’s kind of sad, but I feel anxious (and I’m not at all an anxious person):

  • about anytime after 8pm
  • anytime I walk to the bedroom
  • anytime I physically get in bed
  • anytime I think about making a move
  • anytime I physically move to my wife’s side of the bed

I get racing heart, body is awkward, lost confidence, etc.

I really need to reconnect and get the confidence back- hopefully she’ll be open to letting that happen by doing anything other than missionary penetration sex.

Also, talking to you all makes me feel better too, so thanks.


Let us know what happens. I’m very hopeful that we could get back to some of that just silly lovey connection.

She asked for a sex break many years ago, so I’m hopeful that she’d be open to it now.

If your partner is unwilling to try or help you through this time then what else can you do? If your partner truly loves you and you love them it seems you would want to do whatever you could to help them. Communication is a huge factor here. If you can’t talk to your partner about your issueand how much it’s affecting both of you perhaps it’s time to find a new partner?