Non helpful wife!

Anyone else dealing with a partner who just refuses to engage in resolving their ED issues? I was never overly confident having sex - but always seemed easy when I met my wife. We did indulge in some very light kink - which was always a turn on of mine - but now that seems totally out of the question.

She’s stated on more than one occasion that the feeling of my penis going soft is unpleasant. She’s also completely moved away from any foreplay - the expectation now is that I get hard, do my business - quickly - and let her go to sleep. My initial ED issue was caused by a total lack of feeling in my penis after some shoulder surgery - it came back, but have struggled to maintain erections since. Generally have no problem when I’m masturbating, so it’s unlikely to be a physical issue.

I mentioned some of the couples exercises here and she said they’re for people who have time to spare! Not overly surprised at that being honest - but just and she has no interest in them. That’s no major surprise but leaves me wondering what the point is. Surely she needs to be as engaged as me in this for the profess to have any hope of success? She flatly refuses to discuss the issue and gets really annoyed if I try and bring it up.

Am I wasting my time?

I suspect a change of focus maybe needed for you both. I can relate. I was recommended a book on sexual connection in long term relationships that I found helpful - still working on applying the ideas but they make sense to me. It’s called Coming Together by Emily Nagoski.

Key themes perhaps:

  • focus on pleasure and enjoyment;

  • put some thought in to why you want sex anyway and with your partner ? Usually about connection, feeling loved etc not cumming! What is it about sex that you seek?

  • An interesting question I had not thought about is why should you or your partner stop what they may otherwise be doing ( sleeping, reading, whatever…) to have sex? Why??? There is a cost in time and effort to have sex and it needs to be worth it basically - and this equation is different for everyone and varies over time and circumstances.

  • only have sex you enjoy and that is the only aim ( an erection may not even be

  • heaps of social expectations to have sex in certain ways, certain frequency, spontaneously etc etc which aren’t actually realistic or true.

I raised some of this with my partner and basically the cost above is too high at the moment for her ( high stress job etc) We’ve take. sex off the table for a while as I was unwittingly “demanding” sex all the time (we have tended not to be explicit initiators so it bacamw unclear if sex was going to happen or not)

And things have improved between us a lot.

Really helpful to talk about the issue with her not from a “ I want more sex” perspectives but about why that is - your feelings around connection ( or whatever it is for you) and she where she is at. And go from there.

If the relationship is at threat from sex issues there are probably other issues that need addressing - communication, past hurts and resentments etc that may need working through.

As I say early days of this for me and my partner (of some 25+ years) but I am hopeful.

I ended up leaving my wife. She blamed me for cheating and any other reason why I couldn’t get it up. Spoke to my doctor about the ED because it’s my dick. I know my dick. It’s not working right. I asked to get on Viagra. I talked to her about it and she said it must be her and I don’t love her. Sex sucked. I too brought myself to a place of just cum fast as I do my husbandly duty. I got out. I need a partner that is confident in themselves to be there, to understand, and be okay with meeting in the middle. There is more to it than that which also was contributing to it. Atress in my job, my marriage. All of it. I couldn’t do it anymore and asked for the divorce. She made mee feel less than. Instead of being a part of the solution she chose to go the negative route. I now have sexual hangups and tons of anxiety about sex. Kind of fucked before it even happens. Good luck man. Thanks for sharing.

I have very similar issues with my gf. She stopped with foreplay basically and just lats there like f me when you are r3adynor can. Recently we laid in bed. She grabbed my stuff said what’s going on here and I thought we were gonna start foreplay ansnshe just felt it soft and rolled over. The killer is that we still have sex like 2x a week and one failure sets it all back like I can’t perform. It’s frustrating. We talk about sometimes but I can feel her drifting away. It’s just like in a normal circumstance without ed a girl standing there basically saying get hard isn’t the way it works. I can feel her attraction to me slipping. I travel alot for work too and that adds to my stress over it. I feel you. The only thing we can do is keep up the work and talk. Good luck