Nix Penetration & Back to the Old Stuff?

With the recent ED and talking about it with my wife, she said she really only enjoys penetration.

She also prefers to not really do anything during sex. Doesn’t enjoy foreplay (much at all), and prefers shorter durations over longer.

It’s put a lot of pressure on me to perform (at least that’s what my inner critic says), and I think my ED developed after not meeting those needs a couple times. Since then I’ve been in my head and working my way out.

Anyone tried taking penetration off the table, even for someone who really only enjoys that?

Curious how it went for you if so.

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How old are you and how long have you been together? And how is your relationship outside of sex?

Relationship- incredible. She’s my best friend and we’ve never been closer.

I’m 35 and 12 years married. Rest of our lives is honestly outstanding. This is a total counterpoint and stressor for me as just about everything else is honestly really good.

Could be part of my problem- creating an issue mentally where I otherwise don’t have much down in my life right now.

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I can certainly relate to the idea of creating a stress point in your life just because there must be something to stress about !

I do really wonder though about your wife’s interests there. Yes she has expressed a view and you can’t deny that but you got together when quite young ( you in early 20’s?) have you/ she explored any other sexual activities together or has it always been PIV ? Has she explored what she enjoys and turns her on and leads to orgasms or doing what she thinks you want?

I found the mojo therapy recordings on sexual intelligence helpful in thinking through those ideas.

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Long time- together since we were teenagers. Through our early twenties did plenty of foreplay and extra activities.

We had rocky times in college with me being much more interested and aggressive than I should have been. We’ve both talked on that and mostly gotten over it.

After marriage less and less extras…she hasn’t taken top in probably six years.

I’ll give whatever she wants (hands/mouth), but she’s said she only really enjoys PIV, and then grumbles with any position other than missionary. Kind of a very bland, very mechanical brand of sex. Not really much kissing either.

Really great person and we’re super close… just not really any pizazz in the bedroom.

I don’t think she’s really explored what she wants much. I think most of the time it’s just “ok let’s do it, it’s fine” kind of attitude.

The best times are the middle of the night when we’re both half asleep and just let go. She’s good receiving and is very relaxed… so there are times she’s plenty turned on… just usually not so much when we talk in bed for awhile and then it’s “ok if you want to have sex now’s your time.”

I definitely don’t think it’s “doing what she thinks I want.” Just more of a “it’s fine just go ahead but don’t pull anything” kind of mentality.

For me, slowing things down and not focusing on penetration but in the foreplay, the smells, the kisses, the licking, the cuddling, the intimacy, that’s what turns me on to eventually get to penetration. I’m learning this more as I reduce porn and do soft penis play. Feels like what teenagers would want, but it’s so hot and very necessary and still considered sex. Your wife clearly has needs, being penetrated is amazing. And she deserves that. But you might deserve some foreplay in order to get there


Thanks. This is helpful, and I agree. Need to re-engage with the fun!

How often are you having sex now? Was their “pizzaz” before you got married? Do you have kids?

Well it’s not really working right now. Trying once a week, but it’s been a couple months since I actually had things working. Been a frustrating stretch for sure.

Also, tons of pizzaz before marriage. And after. She’s more reserved in general, which I find attractive.