I would like to hear how others are handling/dealing with a negative spouse/mate. I have a very high sex drive, but my wife does not, and really is not interested in sex. I feel like I have to beg for sex. She always orgasms sometimes multiple times so obviously she is satisfied.
But our lovemaking is clearly one-sided.
I over the years I have become less and less aroused to the point where thoughts of having sex with her bring on a flood of negative voices.
These voices say … I don’t want you, I’m not interested in sex, I’m not really attracted to you, I don’t want to be doing this, I don’t want you touching me etc…
Now, I have ED.
My spouse is not interested in sex, but will try it for me. She will try to help me get hard and is willing to have intercourse, but she’s not that into it. This adds an extra boner suppressant because I feel like I’m making her do something she doesn’t want to do.
Shit, that’s a tough situation. Seems like communication is the only way to sort that out, possibly with a couples sex therapist? We sacrifice a lot for our partners and I guess are always feeling out the extent to which we’re willing to do that. I think most of us operate under pretty strict sexual/relationship boundaries, but there is a world of progressive couples who, in such a situation, would consider opening up their relationship so the partner who is not getting the sex they want can find satisfaction without the partner who doesn’t want sex. Obviously not for everyone, but I’ve found it interesting listening to podcasts and such wherein just about any scenario possible is discussed. A lot is possible when we expand the parameters of our thinking.
My spouse is almost always “hurt” by everything. If it’s not direct and to the point penis in vagina penetration, it’s quickly met with “that hurts.” If we are making out and I try to rub on her vaginal area, she pulls her hips away. If I try to insert fingers into her vagina, she complains I need to clip my nails. If I give her a very in depth back massage, with nitrile gloves on, with cotton balls in the finger tips, and I try to touch her vagina, suddenly the gloves are causing her pain… something burns, or there’s a sharp edge. If I attempt to give her oral, and she’s not fresh out of the shower, like within 2-3 minutes, she says no, she’s not clean, and cannot let me. Even if she’s freshly showered and we have something to do in a couple of hours, she generally says no, there’s no time. If we’re having sex in the missionary position, her hips ALWAYS hurt… i could go on, but I think you see the point. She’s literally always hurting. Headaches, stomach aches, too tired, etc. I’m pretty well ready to give up.
I hear you . My wife of 23 years literally just lies there and never touches me only kisses
It got to the point after the kids were born that sex became boring for me . She’s orgasm every time but I couldn’t be bothered .
She’s so insecure about sex and yet I’m the problem as I have ED
Sounds like your wife may have a hyper sensitivity disorder or other condition that brings about all of that discomfort (or the perception of discomfort). Maybe consult with a sex therapist?
Has your wife always approached sex in this way or has it changed over time? So many of us end up with one hangup or another because many societies actively discourage healthy conversations around sex, which makes it difficult to understand sex ourselves or talk productively about it with a partner. Have you tried talking about it with her? Have you read Esther Perel’s work? She talks a lot about overcoming the challenges of longterm relationships.