Fear of my partners engagement

[famous-cyan-stingray]

I’ve been married for 20+ years, and as anyone who has been in a committed relationship for a long time will tell you things en and flow and people change.

I believe my erection issues stem from my brain perceiving that my wife isn’t actually attracted to me or isn’t interested in sex with me and is just doing out of obligation. Some of this stems from the amount of effort it now takes to get a yes to having sex and some from the lengthening intervals between those yes’s. While my tells me they are interested when we have sex, my brain focuses in on her facial expressions and vocalizing for any little clues that she’s not into it and that just shuts me down.

How do I get these intrusive thoughts out of my head? How do I get my brain to stop focusing on that?

[safe-peach-buzzard]

Yeah, that true if partner seems like not interested or enjoy having sex with you. It is a problem on me as well. I would worry that my performance isn’t satisfied my partner and want to improve them by just trying to suppress the enjoyment. I know it’s a bad thoughts now.

[dynamic-lavender-tarsier]

I could have written the original post myself!

I have been so in my head with thoughts about how she’s not interested in me anymore or not enjoying it that I totally lose the mood mid sex - hence mojo.

At this point I am focusing on meditation/mindfulness via this app and also headspace app. Also reconnecting with my body through the mojo sensate work. I am really enjoying this mojo community too. We are not alone here.

This will hopefully enable me to manage my thoughts better and rebuild some sexual confidence at least with myself and then I can be in a position to have a discussion with my partner again.

But also beginning to realize you know we’re all ok. F**k it we’re all ok, I’m ok, let’s try to relax and enjoy life a little… and have realistic and honest expectations - we spend a lot of energy resisting reality because it may not align with what was in our heads …it’s ok to feel what i feel, do what i want to do - I have spent decades attending to my lovers needs and need to reflect on what mine are in a positive and constructive way - that is not easy for me.

Anyway , we’ll get there.

[famous-cyan-stingray]

I’m glad to know it’s not just me. I’m still in my first week of mojo but I’m already finding things that resonate with me. I’m a classic over-thinker with built in negative talk that I need to overcome.

[dynamic-lavender-tarsier]

Yes it’s been important to me too to not feel you’re the only one - I think if you think of an issue it will be discussed somewhere in these comments!

Mojo has some recorded therapy sessions ( see resources tab in the app) I’ve found these really good, even those that don’t sound immediately relevant to my issues.

[famous-cyan-stingray]

I haven’t checked out the recorded therapy sessions other than the ones that are a part of the weekly steps. I’ll dig in and take a look. Thanks for the advice.

I’m glad there are others to talk to on this journey. I’m rooting for you, me, and everyone else going through this.

[inland-amber-kangaroo]

We need to be friends. Married 12 years, together for 19 (high school). Almost identical scenario.

We have had sex plenty of times where I accidentally put my arm down and pull her hair, or scratch her leg with my toenails, or try moves she doesn’t enjoy and she shuts it down fast. Because of that, I’m extremely observant of her and don’t relax much.

After having some performance anxiety end of last year, we talked about it a lot.

Sex has gotten very very mechanical. Not a lot of kissing, missionary, she wants it wrapped up in about 5-10 minutes. She doesn’t display or “do” much at all.

I had perceived that as not wanting sex or lack of attraction to me. She’s not attracted to women, but I wasn’t sure she was actually much attracted to me either.

Since sex stopped working, I’ve learned how much she had enjoyed it. Didn’t know this at all, but learned. She wants it about once every five or six days, and is really disappointed that it’s not working for us right now.

She went from being the one who could get sex anytime she wanted to basically having to be open to it when the moment strikes- and even then doesn’t get it reliably.

So- I absolutely can relate. Communication and talking about that has gone a long way in helping me understand where she’s at and the feelings she has.

Ironically after failed attempts at sex and talking about it (painfully) afterwards, I’ve gotten hard just in the communication and relief and assurance afterward.

One thing I thought just this morning is that my wife chose me. She wanted/wants me. Not some stranger or ideal man or some Ken, she chose me. While she only may begrudgingly admit it, she wants this.

I would suspect your wife does too. She chose you. And she’d probably choose you again.

I don’t have advice because I’m not an expert and not over this myself, but the next thing I’m going to try is to get more assurance/closeness/bonding from just close snuggling without intent of sex.

Someone said it earlier- if you change your definition of sex as penetration, and instead view sex as being intimate - that is - close, mutually vulnerable, or any sexual activity… then you can get a lot of the good body feelings and relationship benefits that come from sex itself.

I wonder if that feeling of attraction could stem from recognizing what I really want is a close bond and close connection. I used to get that feeling from having sex, but now I see it more and more from widening my perspective of what intimacy is.

[inland-amber-kangaroo]

Also, I started writing down things I learned, things I tried, things that failed and things that worked.

When I get anxious, I read my own notes and they are incredibly helpful.

[dynamic-lavender-tarsier]

Hi

My therapist recommended this book
“coming together” by Emily Nagoski - it’s about developing and maintaining sexual connection in long term relationships.

I’m only half way through but I think it’s good and may be of interest to you.