We need to be friends. Married 12 years, together for 19 (high school). Almost identical scenario.
We have had sex plenty of times where I accidentally put my arm down and pull her hair, or scratch her leg with my toenails, or try moves she doesn’t enjoy and she shuts it down fast. Because of that, I’m extremely observant of her and don’t relax much.
After having some performance anxiety end of last year, we talked about it a lot.
Sex has gotten very very mechanical. Not a lot of kissing, missionary, she wants it wrapped up in about 5-10 minutes. She doesn’t display or “do” much at all.
I had perceived that as not wanting sex or lack of attraction to me. She’s not attracted to women, but I wasn’t sure she was actually much attracted to me either.
Since sex stopped working, I’ve learned how much she had enjoyed it. Didn’t know this at all, but learned. She wants it about once every five or six days, and is really disappointed that it’s not working for us right now.
She went from being the one who could get sex anytime she wanted to basically having to be open to it when the moment strikes- and even then doesn’t get it reliably.
So- I absolutely can relate. Communication and talking about that has gone a long way in helping me understand where she’s at and the feelings she has.
Ironically after failed attempts at sex and talking about it (painfully) afterwards, I’ve gotten hard just in the communication and relief and assurance afterward.
One thing I thought just this morning is that my wife chose me. She wanted/wants me. Not some stranger or ideal man or some Ken, she chose me. While she only may begrudgingly admit it, she wants this.
I would suspect your wife does too. She chose you. And she’d probably choose you again.
I don’t have advice because I’m not an expert and not over this myself, but the next thing I’m going to try is to get more assurance/closeness/bonding from just close snuggling without intent of sex.
Someone said it earlier- if you change your definition of sex as penetration, and instead view sex as being intimate - that is - close, mutually vulnerable, or any sexual activity… then you can get a lot of the good body feelings and relationship benefits that come from sex itself.
I wonder if that feeling of attraction could stem from recognizing what I really want is a close bond and close connection. I used to get that feeling from having sex, but now I see it more and more from widening my perspective of what intimacy is.