While my sex life with my girlfriend has been improving considerably thanks to Mojo over the past half year (I am able to get and maintain erections during partnered sex for the first time in years), I have for the last month been facing a new issue - low sex drive.
Anytime I am with my GF in an intimate setting I am comfortable initiating sex and having her initiate sex. I get an erection and am able to “do it”. That being said, I don’t really feel any serious horniness or sex drive in the moment or in general. We are also comfortable communicating that either of us might not be in the mood - I am not forcing myself.
I think this might be partly because my work-life balance is atrocious at the moment and there are other stressors pertaining to a sickly family member and moving homes. This all feels like its made me feel generally low on self esteem (which may be causing the low desire to have sex/masturbate). I also find myself doubting myself so much in bed - weird things like “did I put too much lube? Or is it too little? What if the face I’m making is dumb? I hope she is being honest if she says she enjoyed it…”
This all makes me feel rather melancholy when I think about the aggressive horniness I was starting to feel - it’s quite a rush, I really enjoyed it/miss it. I’ve had t-levels tested, it’s not that. And I think I’m really good now at getting an erection.
My approach now is going to be going back to basics - I think there is a disconnect between my head and my body. I feel like I can execute the procedure very well but I need to do the meditations to really connect better with my mind. I did however want to ask if anyone else was experiencing anything like this?
First of all, that’s great that you’re having success with getting and keeping your erection. Congrats! I’ve been at this (sexual and mental health journey) for a few months and I’m finding there is so much connected to the ED/sexual fulfillment, including libido, self-esteem, state of a partner relationship, and pretty much anything else going on in or around you. Getting the mechanics down is big! Maybe you’ve got to tackle this issue with the same thoughtfulness and intention you approached the ED? I keep bumping into other issues organically and realizing I’ve had a lot of work to do to make myself whole.
I think you’ve said it perfectly. I used to think (hope) this was one big issue i could just resolve all at once when in reality its a bunch of interconnected issues: low self esteem, anxiety, shame to mention a few.
I had thought I resolved it which made it only so much more depressing when this (and other) new issue(s) arose.
I’m definitely going to adjust my thinking to mindfully tackle all these issues.
What has been great is sharing my thoughts and fears with my partner and have them reassure me that they aren’t realistic (and not in a gas-lighty way).
Everyone’s journey is different but i wonder if you have any advice otherwise that has helped you make progress?
I can relate to all of the interconnected issues you mention. It’s definitely a layered process and I’m feeling really good about the progress I’ve made, starting with identifying/acknowledging the layers.
One of the most powerful tools that have helped me are narratives (models/analogies) that explain the problem in a way that also makes the solution evident and even simple. One that was shared with me by a friend who has an innate talent for this is how my body is like a puppy that was kicked everytime it barked (explaining how I suppressed my sexuality in my teens and 20s to comply with a strict religious code). My task is to make the puppy feel safe again so he can do his thing without fear. That really helped me get my head around the concept and reconnect with my body in a meaningful way.
I also took a side trip identifying negative core beliefs that I’ve held onto for most of my life. I realized my body was at the center of many of those and that I had really been working on breaking those down for years without really knowing it.
Most recently I’ve realized I’ve come a long way and need to bring my partner up to speed and create a new space for us to talk about sex (and stop the cycle of shame by bringing our kids into the conversation as well).
I kind of feel like I’m still in the thick of the journey and I don’t know what the “end” looks like. Amazing things have happened and I am becoming a stronger, healthier, more confident man.