Iām 51, have 2 teenage kids and have been separated for 2 years after a 25 yr relationship. She wanted to separate as apparently I worked too much and didnāt acknowledge her (although she definitely enjoyed the lifestyle, the holidays, the clothes and not having to work!). Menopause? Who knows.
Iāve finally met someone new. Sheās intelligent, humorous and looks absolutely stunning. She 52, was married for 20 years but had a pretty non-existent sex life. Therefore, our sex life is amazing, she cannot get enough!
Which all soundās great, but . . . for some reason Iām having trouble getting an erection just when I need it most. She can make me hard with a HJ or BJ, or even a look, but when I go to have penetrative sex it stays hard for a couple of minutes and then itās gone. Iām sure it must be a psychological issue, a hangover from my last relationship? Fear of failing? Putting too much pressure on myself.
Several times Iāve taken a natural version of the blue pills to see if that helps, and it does, but itās not quite the same (plus it seems to instantly dehydrate me and give me a pretty nasty headache).
Luckily weāre in our 50ās and not our 20ās, so weāre a bit more relaxed about these things and she says itās not a problem and she is very satisfied. But despite this I really want to have penetrative sex with her, I donāt want to feel like weāre missing out.
I tried Mojo for maybe 3 months and then lapsed a bit, but Iām back on the kegel exercises and the challenges. I donāt do porn, so I supposeitā getting my brain into the right headspace is the way to go.
Has anyone of a siilar age got any words of wisdo?
Make sure youāre focusing on the sensations down there during intercourse. Also, if you masturbate make sure youāre not using a tight grip and use lotion.
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Whatās the problem with a tight grip when masturbating?
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Cannot stress this enough, meditation. I highly recommend body scan and positivity meditations as well. Do them guided and donāt just use this app for it. Mojoās meditations are amazing here, but I found once I diversified, found other guides, helped me a lot. I may not be as old as you but my problem was much more severe than yours, Iāll guarantee it.
I would also recommend other CBT exercises such as journaling. Figure out your major cognitive distortions and write about them. After each initial entry, which will be filled with negative stuff, write something positive. Be your own cheerleader. Best of luck
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Right this is me right here 3 years ago!!! Iām the same age as you! Had a horrendous divorce!! So I separated from my wife in September! I met & fell in love with somone else in November! The divorce proceedings had just started at this point- and I could not get it up at all!! Never had a problem when I was married. So this freaked me out- I started taking viagra! Which worked for me! Sadly after 3 years this wonderful supportive woman has ended our relationship- & can now say this!! Do not take viagra! What happened to me- was I psychologically became dependant on it!!! In the end Iād cut a 50mg tablet into 4 & it was still a struggle for nearly 3 years!!! My partner was aware of the problem and was a massive support! So in January this year we said Iād stop taking my small dose of Viagra, this was a struggle for me, as in my head I couldnāt get it up without it! So I ended up secretly taking it! In the end Iād have 1/8 of a tablet and I sarted to feel better- until the breakup! Now Iām back to 1st base! I now know the problem! I hadnāt fully processed the breakup of my marriage! And Iād got involved in another relationship too soon!!! I hadnāt grieved! Hadnāt healed properly! & this was the start of all my problems!!! I was trying to have a normal sexual relationship having not got over the last one!! It ended with nothing to do with the erection problems as she was fantastic in supporting this! So my advice is- donāt take Viagra! Yours is purely in your head! As mine was! Yes the app helped! The meditation was the key here for me! You have to get out of the fight or flight mode!!! Once not getting it up is in your head- it was damn near impossible to get out for me! But you just aināt ready Iād say? You havenāt given yourself the time to āhealā which has caused all of this!for me itās been 3 years of trouble- and just when I thought I was making progress my relationship ended. I donāt want anyone going through what I had!! I became psychologically dependant on Viagra and it causes more trouble! I wish you well with all this! It sounds like you are not as bad as I was? For now- concentrate on freeing your mind! The more you overthink about the sex- the worse it got! When I was married the thought of not getting it up never crossed my mind! Once you plant that seed in your head! It causes all kinds of trouble!!
Thanks for your reply, youāre right, it really isnāt a physical problem Iām having, it is a psychological issue. Processing a separation is hard, it rears itās head every single day, trying to contact my kids, not living in my own home anymore, her telling me sheās been seeing her fitness instructor, even photos of āmemorable daysā that pop up on Facebook, you can never quite escape, I always feel like Iām still in the warzone.
I think it must be down to feeling like I canāt detach from my old partner. Weād been together since I was 23 and Iād never looked over the fence to see if the grass was greener, why would I? 28 years later and maybe it still feels odd getting into bed with someone else.
I stopped taking the natural Viagra pills as they made me feel like I was hungover the next day. I used to take them to help me sleep, they stopped me from rolling out of bed. But, Iāll take your advice and steer clear.
Iāll give the meditation a try, it sounds like a good way to clear my head. Luckily, my new partner is very clued up on mental health and wellbeing, sheās really understanding.
Thanks for putting the effort into your reply. I hope things start turning around for you, itās a hard journey isnāt it, weāve just got to keep at it.
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Also, what stage are you at now? Are you firing on all cylinders or are you still working towards it?!
Thanks for the reply, Iāll definitely give the meditation a shot. Have you experienced much of an improvement since following the Mojo app?
Thanks for the email and the info. The āTight Gripā is definitely an issue that Iām trying to escape.
I think it desensifies (have I just made that word up!!), desensitizes you and makes it harder to orgasm. Sometimes a benefit but other times a pain in the arse when you donāt want to do the equivalent of a one armed gym session just to shoot your load.
You are near exactly where I was! I have two older kids. A clued up now ex girlfriend! Sadly for me itās all over (again) and the anxiety has started again! So I will use this time to focus on my recovery- & not engage in sexual activity until I feel the time is right! I donāt know who I am anymore? I was a husband-father- I had identity! All of a sudden I was out! Going through divorce proceedings- working long hours to pay Maintenence, mortgage,legal fees, and rent etc! Bloody horrendous and adding to that engaged in a new relationship! This was a recipe for disaster! So I feel for you man! I hope you find a way- but I canāt believe how similar our stories are!
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I was getting there at the end of my relationship! I would focus on enjoying the sensations! Wanting to feel satisfied and living in the moment! It took me a bloody long time I can tell you-3 years! Bit of a pattern here I keep reading! Blokes with new partners having not fully recovered from the last! Gets you thinking!
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Thanks for being open and sharing your story - Iām of a similar age and similar situation - 23 years first marriage and 6 years now on the second - my inner critic is also planting seeds of doubt but my manifest in me not cumming fast enough - I worry that Iām taking too long and then my thoughts start spiraling
One of the exercises from Mojo really helped - remembering that sex is fun and to act more like the young 20-something than the mature 50-something year old.
It seems to be helping quiet the self critic in my head - hope this perspective also helps you
Thanks again for sharing
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Exact same story here.
Iād go solo rather than get with (ex) wife to avoid the shame of Ed.
Iāve had some success with pills, though I think they are a crutch as wellā¦
On this app for 4 weeks and learned a lot. Well on my journey back and it feels good!
Iām addicted to porn and too used to my own grip as well as have a loud inner criticā¦.
As a result of this app, Iāve all but cut out porn and solo, working on the critic but still on the pillsā¦ one day
, one hurdle at a timeā¦.
Good luck! 