Hey guys. I havenāt talked about this before, but for context I have been in a relationship for now 8 years. We are perfect partners in terms of work and friendship, but our sex life has been our weakest point. I had counselors tell me to leave, but it feels like throwing away the rest of a good relationship over one facet isnāt the right decision.
The source of the problem: early on in our relationship we were fucking like rabbits and everything was seemingly great. My boyfriend had never dated with a man before and was a virgin. I however had dated and āgotten aroundā so I had relationship and physical experience that he didnāt. Within the first year (I 21 and him 20), I had to go to a study abroad program in Rome for a semester and over that time we said we could do what we wanted physically. I am honestly not the jealous type so I was fine with allowing him to explore so he could also have more experiences like I had. I definitely was looking to also play outside the relationship as Romans are hot so it was a no brainer lol. Within a couple weeks of being in Rome I hooked up with a guy who was irresistible. I was on prep for this trip and had some of the best raw sex flip fucking this guy for an hour. Fast forward, a hot experience was ruined as he gave me HPV on my ass. I thought I had been vaccinated in HS, but apparently that was not the case. I came clean to my boyfriend and apparently he had not hooked up with anyone as he wasnāt interestedā¦making me feel worse knowing I just looked like a whore. He was very supportive and was concerned of course we didnt even fight, he just wanted me to get treated. When I got back to the states, I saw a great surgeon in LA and the surgery was a success; however, the surgeon did say it would be a bit of a recovery as it had grown to be a bit more than he expected. Thankfully it all tested negative for cancer so I was clear there. This surgery still to this day was the most painful and horrible recovery I would never wish on anyone. He helped take care of me as I returned to life, but of course we now had this gray cloud hanging over us all because of my decisions. Needless to say, this surgery has gone on to impact my physical abilities. We used to be vers but i was definitely more bottom for him and now bottoming was off the table until I could recover; however, the area still remains sensitive and has been prone to hemorrhoids due to the weaker skin.
Present: He has topped me a handful of times since that fateful situation. But it ended more so in post sex pain that was uncomfortable. Unfortunately, my partner is also very well endowed at 7ā and very girthy and is circumsized. If he was uncut it definitely would be easier. Also because we have sex so irregularly I am very tight so it is seemingly a never ending battle. When it comes to him bottoming, he has expressed interest in trying again, but I think because of my own guilt I just donāt feel like i can muster the āmanly top energyā (i dont know how to describe it) to take charge like i used to. To get by we have just essentially established ourselves as sides and do just all foreplay stuff, but honestly I do crave penetration still and he wouldnāt admit it as he is too kind, but he does too.
What I need help with: we are now both 28, have lived together for several years and have a dog and are planning a cross country move soon and I want to work to move on from the past with this change of environment. He forgives me and we love each-other, but I still struggle to forgive myself. I have been vaccinated for HPV and have not had a flareup since the surgery so it is fully dormant. I want to get our sex life back and spice it up so we can get to a good spot so we can be stronger on all fronts. I want to be able to top him again and be able to lean into my masculinity which I crave. I also want to be able to please him and be able to bottom again, but i feel like I need to start training to be able to take him and I am willing to do the work, I just donāt know where to start.
Any advice, words of encouragement, or experiences any of you have had (gay or straight) is welcome. Just need to get this off my chest and begin my healing journey.