My issue is that I really love my girlfriend and Iām pretty sure she loves me, but I happened to run a cross some sex videos sheās made in the past and these dudes where huge! I feel inadequate as I guess Iām average 6 long girth, maybe 4.5 inches. I have a hard time believing that she is completely happy with my size even though she says she is. This affects every aspect of my sexual experiences with her, because I canāt get it out of my mind and it makes me extremely nervous during sex. She also has had many 3 threesome with 2 girls and 2 guys and when we had or first sexual experience with her she asked me if I wanted to have one and it made me extremely uncomfortable and I talked to her about it and she stated she just wanted to know what I was into. I said weāll thatās not the way to do it, the proper way wouldāve been to ask me what Iām into instead of asking me if I wanted one during our first sexual experience, am I wrong for feeling this way?? I just donāt understand how she would think I could watch her having sex with another man in front of me and the fact she would be willing to do so if I agreed. I really donāt know how to feel about this. She wants to marry me and states she is happy with our sex and wished we could have more of it , I work offshore, and Iām not home often. I really donāt think she is unfaithful thereās just this constant voice in the back of my mind that she desires more. Please help
Sounds like you really need to communicate this to her, My guy. Otherwise itās going to eat you alive with these negative thoughts.
Companionship is about compatibility. Here the issues might be related to what you guys actually want in life. In your situation its actually self sabotage to leave her alone and not satisfied. Mayba another relationship is what would benefit both of you?
I strongly disagree with the artificial-teal-pantherās comment. There is so much more to a good relationship than wild sex.
I can relate very closely to your situation. From age 21-26 I was dating a woman who was 12 years older than me. We loved each other very profoundly. But she had had many many more partners than I did, she had had threesomes, she had had guys bigger than me. Meanwhile I could count on one hand my sexual partners and it was all very vanilla.
It did not make me feel very confident. But in hindsight I realize that it doesnāt really matter how much bigger sheās had, or how much more experienced she is. Thereās so much more to good sex than a big dick. Being in love with your partner for instance instantly makes it better.
I think itās important you both communicate what you need. If sheās being honest when she tells you she loves you and she is satisfied with the sex you guys have then thatās probably true. It isnāt because sheās had wild sex in the past that it is something she desperately needs in her life anymore.
That being said you really need to make it safe for her to express her sexual desires and needs. She should feel confortable telling you what she wants, even if she wants things that you are uncomfortable with. From there you guys can compromise. Maybe she doesnāt want threesomes at all, maybe sheās been there done that and will be fine not having another one for the rest of her life. Maybe itās something she still desires but it isnāt very important to her and sheās willing to renounce those experiences to have a monogamous relationship with you. Or maybe thatās something you can work up to and under the right circumstances you could be interested. Thatās all for you both to figure out.
If it turns out she does want things you really canāt give her then it will be time to consider breaking up. But from what youāre saying I really doubt that would be the case.
Now you talk about working offshore. Thatās a different issue. I too work away. It has nothing to do with what your partner desires. Itās just a matter of finding a partner who respects you enough and has values so that they wonāt cheat on you. But Iāve seen very vanilla girls cheat on their boyfriends and very wild girls be faithful. So I donāt hold that against her itās a totally different problem in my opinion.
I agree with useful-lavender-pinniped here. Iām in a very similar situation myself, I have a long distance relationship with a girlfriend that had a very wild sexual past, way more intense, diverse and kinky than mine. I knew this when we started dating, because Iāve known her for about a decade and knew some stories. And sheās shared some more, but I really donāt dig in her past, I donāt ask for details and I really prefer to leave all that there. She says sheās happy with me, maybe do more kinky stuff, something Iām open to exploring. She says she likes my dick, even though Iām very average. And she says her past was wild, but not satisfying, that sheās realizing she was using sex as an escape and that with me she feels secure and loved.
Itās hard to deal with this, and I do struggle with wanting to dig out information, or not. Lately, Iāve been actively avoiding thinking about that, using techniques Iāve learned while dealing with anxiety. I do trust her, I do believe she really loves me and I hope her wild past is behind her, in the sense that sheās not looking for casual sex anymore. But I donāt know if thatās the case, and maybe Iāll never will. I keep my eyes open for any signs, but I also decided to trust her. Thatās the sanest thing for me to do. And when weāre together, we have sex, we spend time together, we enjoy each otherās company.
I feel for you, itās hard, but you have to think about yourself. And if you trust her, do it, donāt let her past affect your present. And enjoy every second you get to spend with her. Do it for you, your mental health. It isnāt easy, I can tell you, itās a daily thing, but since I decided that my inner peace was more important, I reduced my anxiety significantly.
Good luck, do your mental work, think about whatās best for you and follow through.
To be honest with you, it sounds like you need to be with someone else. Besides the sex, it sounds like you two donāt have the same values. Youāre not going to be as sexually successful or happy with the wrong partner.
āShe says her past was wild but not satisfyingā
My ex said similar things. She said she hooked-up with any guy who said anything remotely nice to her simply because she had self-love issues and low self-esteem.
We broke up 1.5 years ago due to our careers no longer allowing us to be together. I thought for sure sheād go back to banging a bunch of guys. But we talked recently and I asked her about her sex life. She told me she did not sleep with anyone else for an entire year after we broke up. And then she dated a guy for a few months and thatās the only person she has slept with since me. I donāt think she was lying either because she really had no reason to.
All that to say that it isnāt because someone had a wild past that they miss it.
I can relate to you saying that you sometimes want to dig into it. The rule I came up with on that aspect is donāt ask questions that make you suffer and donāt help you grow.
At the end of the day she chose you over all those guys and if anything that should be a boost to your confidence if anything. I know sometimes it doesnāt feel like it. Sometimes itās easy to dwell on those thoughts. But those thoughts donāt bring anything positive to your life or your relationship, they donāt change the past and only damage the future. Itās your job to man-up and let those thoughts go so you can be the confident man your partner needs you to be.
Last of, you mention that you decided to trust her. I think thatās the right thing to do. Because it is the only way to have a healthy relationship. But there is nothing wrong about expressing how important faithfulness is to you and how you need her to respect you in that way. My ex was always very clear on that and it made me feel at ease because I knew she would not cheat on me and I would not cheat on her.