Hey, I am struggling to work past the sex my girlfriend had in her past. I didn’t have sex until much later in life and I know she has had a lot more casual sex, which is something I always wanted but never felt the confidence or knew how to get that, as my nature is to be genuine with women. And I’m also very insecure about sex since I’m average size and cannot go multiple rounds or last long at all. I must stop and start after a few thrusts to keep sex going with out cumming. I made the huge mistake of going through her phone and saw plenty of sexts and interactions with other men in her past, as well as talks of her having the best sex of her life with men that she still has some contact with. I don’t know how to discuss this with her but we have a strong relationship, and my only feeling is that I need to have more sexual partners in order to “catch up” but I know this will ruin the relationship which I don’t want to happen. I really am not open to us having open relationship, while this is hypocritical I don’t feel comfortable with her having sex with others but I feel like if I was able to I could relieve this feeling of missing out on having hot random sex, and think maybe this could give me confidence. I’m unsure of how to proceed. But I have been struggling with this to the point that when we have sex all I can think about is the other men that fucked her and I cannot stay present or stay hard, and leads to performance anxiety and bad sex in my opinion. She’s had her fun and doesn’t seem bothered by our less passionate sex and is devoted to me, but I keep feeling like I missed having sex in my prime and I don’t know how to move forward.
I feel you brother. Had a very similar situation with my ex. She had a high body count and I was a virgin. I didn’t really know about her past experiences at first so that wasn’t an issue at first, only the nerves of losing my virginity. As I got to know about her past it would sometimes come up in my head during sex and make it extremely difficult to get and stay hard. Other times it would just flow naturally and there would be no issues with my erection, it wouldn’t enter my mind at all and we would have incredible sex. In my experience the times it didn’t enter my head are when sex just naturally happened, rather than talking about it earlier in the day etc which would allow those thoughts to creep in. Honestly there’s not really a solution other than just accepting both of your situations for what it is. If you want to be together then communicate and commit to each other. She may have done things in the past, and if you can’t get over that then you may just have to accept it won’t work out for you. She’s choosing to be with you, I’m sure there’s a reason for it. Like me you might be inexperienced and only average size but me and her still had really good sex when it flowed naturally so I’m sure you can too. It’s not about going multiple rounds or having a massive dick, the best sex (at least in my opinion) is passionate and has feeling and emotion attached to it. Try not to over think it and just communicate and learn what you both like and how to make it work for you. Part of the reason we ended was because of my erection issues, ultimately caused by a lack of confidence and overthinking about her past. I don’t want the same to happen to you so the most important thing is to communicate about it, and if you both want it bad enough you’ll figure it out. You just gotta accept it and not overthink it mate.
I have/had the same worries about not having had enough sex while in my prime and now that i’m older i feel like i have missed out. I regret that a lot. Right now i’m in a relationship and of course, i thought about all the dreams about sex that i wont ever experience because of my relationship. But one day i realized that i could experience all those dreams with her. Spontaneous sex, wild and hot sex, sex in different places, whatever. I could experience that with her and, honestly, i think it will be even better this way. Yes, I cant touch & see different bodies, but this trade-off is worth it for me. But you need to make your own decision
I feel this. My partner only had one longer term relationship before me, but it was during high school and I have heard of stories of them doing some crazy things that my partner hasn’t done with me. Not that I’m against that, but she seemed a lot more open to things I’m the past, like sex at the beach, in the bathroom etc. while I know this happens in the younger years when it’s crazy exciting and everyone’s horny, but I never had anything like that. It’s been fine with us, and good sometimes, but the ED is a huge factor and it has stopped us from having some really fun times together, and like anywhere outside or whatever can’t happen because I lose it. Super fucking annoying but gotta work with it.
Fully understand where you’re coming from. But, that’s her past and you can’t change it. What you can control is how you act now, the love you can share, the fun you can have together, and it’s probably deeper and more connected than ever. So while yes maybe in the past she has had good experiences, parts of it, maybe it was lacking other connection. It’s super shit to have any comparison and unfortunately once you’ve seen those texts it’s hard to ignore. But like I said it’s in the past and you have your future together.
Have you tried other things, like toys, sensual massages, different things so it’s new for both of you? Lots of exploration that you can do together than will be a new and fun thing for her as you work on yourself. Try not to compare of think of history, change the future.
Opening the relationship so you can have those random sexual events won’t be good. You won’t feel connected and sure it might be fun, but it may not be what is described, I’ve heard a lot of people talk about casual sex and everyone says it’s better when you’re connected and in love. I have the same regret, we met when I was 20 or so and first partner, missed out on other random casual sex stuff but hey, can’t change that unless we broke up, but that’s a terrible option compared. But it’s up to you, it’s your choice, but I don’t think anything open will work long term and it won’t stop you thinking of her past.
Try to move on and hopefully with this app you can work on having more fun and eventually be the most fun she’s had
I appreciate you sharing your story. I think I am getting closer to the stage of the relationship ending because I am overthinking about her past and not able to be present during sex. I take cialis daily, which im trying to get off of, but I can have an erection but I know they aren’t as strong as they could be because I’m in my head and not really horny with her. Because when I touch her body in my head the other men who have had their way with her just runs through my brain. But I appreciate that you want me to avoid this decision to end it on this issue alone.
For anyone else reading this— learn from my mistake!! NEVER read your girlfriend’s past texts.There was a story she told me early on about her hooking up with an older man and I was determined to figure out who he was and sure enough through instagram it was easy to find and I read their sexts and her saying how good their sex felt. And for the love of god, NEVER type in the word “sex” in your girlfriends text message search, as it will show up any conversation she’s had with that word and you’ll read how girls talk about sex with men. That killed me. There were things about her talking about going 3-4 hours with men, having the best sex of her life, her talking very slutty to other men as well as her girlfriends. Of course most of these texts span from 2019-2022. This is a serious problem that I have these thoughts in my head, and can’t tell her that of course unless I want to totally lose her trust, so I just need to sit with them and somehow try to move past it. But I may have gone too deep. Just learn from me. It’s never worth it to know how slutty your girlfriend was in her sexual prime.
What upsets me is that we have a lackluster sex life and she seems fine with it. Because she’s already had her fun and is content with a wholesome loving relationship with me. I talked with her a lot last night. She was very receptive. She understands that I feel this resentment of not having a slut phase of my life where I had lots of casual sex, friends with benefits and such when I was younger. And I clearly stated that I feel like it’s something I need to experience in order to move past this block I feel. Knowing that could send her away and hurt her feelings. Yet this all shows her devotion to me, because she isn’t going anywhere. She sees where I’m coming from. And we don’t have a solution, but she’s understanding of how I feel. She doesn’t say anything about her past, or know how to console me about that. Which is really hard.
I just want to have a much higher libido and confidence and sexual power, but it feels like she overpowers my masculinity. She is also slightly bigger in size than me and I can’t handle her the way I’d like to to control and move her body around during sex. This bothers me.
She said the same thing about making up for my lack of hot sex. She was like “why can’t you do those things with me?”
And this is true, but I just feel this resentment and anger towards her, I realize this is unfair. However I have the feelings and it feels also unfair to me. I know that I’d probably regret it if we broke up and I tried to have random sex with girls and get that out of my system. It’s probably not worth it. But then it just feels like I lose and am stuck with dealing with her having this rich sex life and she’s content with her life, where as I am completely upset and disappointed with myself and feel like taking action and expanding my experiences will make me feel better and boost my confidence. It’s a tough decision
Hi guys, just wanted to chime in.
I met my now wife in high-school, and she had alot more bodies than me she actually ended up taking my virginity as well, but that was a bug deal really, I could have lost it a bunch of times before than but I was a wild child who was running around hustling, doing drugs, and I was and am particular about who I will take serious enough to date and I really wanted to lose it to someone cool. Although I won’t lie, I regret not taking some of those advantages back then lol.
I very quickly got to the point I could last s long time, even to the point I would have to forcefully think myself into nutting.
But she ended up pregnant thay year, and a few years layer our relationship was a mess and we were both way to young to understand certain things about ourselves, each other, and we were kids raising a kid. Eventually the sex was gone, like 6 months at a time some times. We both betrayed each other. I spiraled for a few years. We did manage to overcome those issues, and I can say we were fucking more than ever, and 13 years after your son was born surprise we had another boy. Somewhere though, I lost my ability and therefore my confidence and I’m still struggling with that.
I don’t know if it’s physical, mental or whatever. So you’re not alone.
Personally I never felt the desire to have casual sex or be with anyone else despite knowing about her past. So I wanted to work through the issue. Although I couldn’t do that in time as my erection issues were part of the reason we ended, which turned out to be for the best as I found out she cheated on me (supposedly because my erection issue made her feel insecure and she needed validation). However, if you feel those desires to sleep around and the need to do that to be in a relationship then maybe that’s what you have to do for yourself. If you want my advice though then try and work it out together as long as you’re sure she’s loyal to you. She sounds like a good one if she’s listening to you and understanding, I personally wouldn’t want to ruin that due to my insecurities. I believe if the relationship is strong enough you’ll be able to move past it with time. Whatever you decide as long as you think it though and it’s what’s best for you.
Thanks for your response. You’re probably right that ending the relationship and having other experiences wouldn’t make me feel better, since my end goal is certainly a committed monogamous relationship.
I think noticing the drop in how much sec I have with her is what bothers me, and then of course reading all of the crazy horny sexts and knowing experiences she’s had when she was in her early 20s just kills me. I just so badly want to not feel so easily triggered but any conversation we have where she mentions a past experience, even if she’s not talking about sex (which she doesn’t, she knows it triggers me talking about her past partners, but when we first started dating it wasn’t as serious and she would talk about dating in the past quite a lot and I learned more about her than I would have liked) I imagine that I know that period of her life she was having casual sex and was at her horny peak. And I feel so down on myself that now that era of her life has passed, she’s gained some weight and is lowered her sex drive, and I feel like I’m missing out not only on the hot and horny sexual energy she had but also missing out on having those random casual experiences. I know those random experiences don’t ultimately serve me in the long run, but in my mind if I had my own wild stories to tell, her mentioning a past experience wouldn’t trigger me as much because I have my own to match.
And I feel like since she’s learned I get so easily triggered, she has to dial down what she says around me and her sexuality has changed.
She wants to explore sex with me and try new things, but one of the things I read she mentioned that she likes when I put my fingers in her mouth. And of course one of the sexts I read from the older man she had sex with was her telling him how she liked him putting his hands in her mouth. So she doesn’t know this, but I know where she got that interest from. And I just worry I took in too much information and it’s too far gone.
I really want to do my best to figure this out but my solution right now with the anger and disgust I feel is to say I just need to expand my sexual experience in order to in a way, get back at her or in my mind get this out of my system so I’m less insecure about how much sex she had. I know this is a really shallow response and I’m ashamed of how insecure I am and the fact that I broke her trust reading her phone. And I certainly am self sabatoging this relationship with what I’ve done. Thanks for your responses, curious to hear anyone’s experience and how I can get out of my head. How can I scrub my brain from knowing her experiences!
I would look into Relationship OCD. I have been dealing with it myself, but it can be treated!
Thanks. Yeah that’s definitely what it is. Most ocd methods are around erp therapy which involves being exposed to triggers. I think I’ve gone way too far into being exposed to the trigger and what I want is a way to scrub my brain from the information I have. But will look into it maybe.
It’s a tough situation. I am stubborn and just feel like I can never see my partner the same way, no matter how much sex we have she always has the past experiences in her mind and I have them in my mind too, so how can I look at her with any sort of desire when I feel defeated in making her as satisfied as she was before. And I just feel like such a loser. When people say meaningless sex is overrated it makes me angrier, because they had the experience. I just feel like I need confidence in how I experience and view sex. But obviously this means ending the relationship which as many are saying, is not the right call.
There’s two things I want to say:
ROCD has very little to do with your partner’s experience. If you broke up and got together with someone else with less experience than you, you would still deal with it. It’s not rational.
Second, the exposure in ERP is to the anxiety of the intrusive thought, NOT to the info about her past. Asking about it or looking at her phone for reassurance are actually the behaviors we don’t want to do.
There’s a book you can find online called Sleeping with ROCD that goes into detail. I have been doing the index card method and have gone from chest-crushing 9/10 anxiety for a whole day to nothing more than a 2 or 3/10 most days.
Fantasize that you did have such experiences in your past with all the girls you would have liked to have been with. Use your imagination. Enjoy.
Official-peach-
Bro. She seems committed to you. Bingo! You win.
Now for playing catchup- you can still have spontaneous fun in a public restroom - maybe not exactly like you imagined all your life, but who says you can’t sneak into the restroom with her and eat or finger her to orgasm while you stuff her panties in her mouth to keep her from letting everyone know she’s cumming?
Buy a remote controlled vibe she can wear to dinner or shopping where you have the remote or an app on your phone… -the old man didn’t have that, did he?
Take her to dinner in another city near a well supplied adult store and pick out a couple toys… you may find a kink she has that you or her didn’t know about…
If you hadn’t picked up on what I was saying- don’t give up. Starting over is tough… Esp when it sounds like you got a good one…