I would love some advice from other gay men in LTR. Iâve been with my bf for three years now . This is my first LTR. I was very excited to have sex when we started dating but over time I find it harder and we really donât go all the way. I find myself fantasizing about other men and I feel like those thoughts root from my porn addiction and what I think sex should be like. Do you have any success stories on how to get back on track in a monogamous relationship? Has opening your relationship helped you? I fear my anxiety with sex stems from low self esteem and I always preferred hookups because it made me feel wanted (boyfriend loves me and definitely wants to have sex more than I do) and I didnât have to share personal things with those people. I have a high sex drive but I choose to watch porn alone and i feel like im cheating on my partner. It is also a habit I want to break. I just donât want the answer to be to break up. In my heart I want to become a better partner and want to have sex with my boyfriend. I have also been through a couple very traumatic experience over the past couple of years. Thanks for reading this far.
Your fear is opening up and getting shit on or left, correct?
Or are you not commuting because youâre looking for someone better?
Either way, opening up will do 1 of 2 things: bring you closer together or drive you apart.
If heâs not willing to accept you with whatever baggage you carry, heâs not the one.
If he accepts your flaws, thatâs a solid foundation to build on for the future.
youâre a good partner. the fact that you recognize all of this and that you want to make an effort for yourself and your relationship is proof of this. your insecurities and your trauma are a part of you, but they absolutely do not define you.
do NOT open your relationship without addressing your other shit first. that is a recipe for disaster. as men we always want to take the easiest routeâthat doesnât mean that route is the correct one. and not all gay relationships need to be open to be successfulâas much as the community wants us to think that.
itâs so easy to say âif he doesnât accept you as you are then heâs not the one!â as soon as you run into ONE obstacle. i think this is a generational thing since weâre all so impatient now and no one wants to do the work. relationships are work. theyâre not easy. if they were, thereâd be a lot more couples out there.
did something happen recently that exacerbated your insecurity? you might be self sabotaging because you donât feel worthy of being seen and receiving your boyfriendâs love. this is only being made worse because you feel like youâre cheating on him when you watch porn. of course this is gonna lead you to feel shitty and unworthy. but you are worthy with all of your baggage! we all are.
i say talk to your boyfriend. communicate honestly. if heâd be okay with an open relationship, i donât see why he wouldnât be okay with you watching porn. but i donât think him being okay with you watching porn would fix the issue. and he does have the right to set a boundary and say that he doesnât feel comfortable with you watching porn. just like you have the right to set a boundary and say no. but then, youâre at an impasse.
my honest advice? cut. out. the porn. completely. you said it yourselfâyou have an addiction. porn makes it incredibly easy to lose focus of what attracts you to your boyfriend and get bored, simply because thereâs endless possibilities with porn.
again, communicate with him. stop watching porn. watching porn and jerking off feels safer because itâs just you, by yourself. re-teach yourself how to get aroused without pornâboth by yourself and with your boyfriend. if your boyfriend is fine with it, mix it up a little. thereâs plenty of ways to stay monogamous and explore together.
donât let an addiction that you can overcome ruin something wonderful in your life. about your traumatic experience: iâm incredibly sorry that that happened to you. trauma affects us profoundly. itâs layered, complicated, and adds a lot of shame that you donât deserve to feel. that needs to be dealt with in therapyâwhen youâre ready. no amount of love from a partner is going to fix that.
also: iâm sure your boyfriend isnât an idiot. heâs probably already noticed that youâre having trouble and heâs waiting for you to bring it up because he doesnât want you to feel self-conscious. let yourself be vulnerable. youâve been together for 3 yearsâthatâs like 15 years in a straight relationship. you guys clearly have a strong love & bond. thatâs good!
i see a lot of myself and my failures in different relationships in your comment, so i speak from experience. i wish i had known then what i know now. but that doesnât mean you have to suffer the same fate.
youâve got this! itâs the two of you against one problem, not you by yourself, and certainly not the two of you against each other. remember to be kind to yourself, too 
best of luck.