I would love some advice from other gay men in LTR. Iāve been with my bf for three years now . This is my first LTR. I was very excited to have sex when we started dating but over time I find it harder and we really donāt go all the way. I find myself fantasizing about other men and I feel like those thoughts root from my porn addiction and what I think sex should be like. Do you have any success stories on how to get back on track in a monogamous relationship? Has opening your relationship helped you? I fear my anxiety with sex stems from low self esteem and I always preferred hookups because it made me feel wanted (boyfriend loves me and definitely wants to have sex more than I do) and I didnāt have to share personal things with those people. I have a high sex drive but I choose to watch porn alone and i feel like im cheating on my partner. It is also a habit I want to break. I just donāt want the answer to be to break up. In my heart I want to become a better partner and want to have sex with my boyfriend. I have also been through a couple very traumatic experience over the past couple of years. Thanks for reading this far.
Your fear is opening up and getting shit on or left, correct?
Or are you not commuting because youāre looking for someone better?
Either way, opening up will do 1 of 2 things: bring you closer together or drive you apart.
If heās not willing to accept you with whatever baggage you carry, heās not the one.
If he accepts your flaws, thatās a solid foundation to build on for the future.
youāre a good partner. the fact that you recognize all of this and that you want to make an effort for yourself and your relationship is proof of this. your insecurities and your trauma are a part of you, but they absolutely do not define you.
do NOT open your relationship without addressing your other shit first. that is a recipe for disaster. as men we always want to take the easiest routeāthat doesnāt mean that route is the correct one. and not all gay relationships need to be open to be successfulāas much as the community wants us to think that.
itās so easy to say āif he doesnāt accept you as you are then heās not the one!ā as soon as you run into ONE obstacle. i think this is a generational thing since weāre all so impatient now and no one wants to do the work. relationships are work. theyāre not easy. if they were, thereād be a lot more couples out there.
did something happen recently that exacerbated your insecurity? you might be self sabotaging because you donāt feel worthy of being seen and receiving your boyfriendās love. this is only being made worse because you feel like youāre cheating on him when you watch porn. of course this is gonna lead you to feel shitty and unworthy. but you are worthy with all of your baggage! we all are.
i say talk to your boyfriend. communicate honestly. if heād be okay with an open relationship, i donāt see why he wouldnāt be okay with you watching porn. but i donāt think him being okay with you watching porn would fix the issue. and he does have the right to set a boundary and say that he doesnāt feel comfortable with you watching porn. just like you have the right to set a boundary and say no. but then, youāre at an impasse.
my honest advice? cut. out. the porn. completely. you said it yourselfāyou have an addiction. porn makes it incredibly easy to lose focus of what attracts you to your boyfriend and get bored, simply because thereās endless possibilities with porn.
again, communicate with him. stop watching porn. watching porn and jerking off feels safer because itās just you, by yourself. re-teach yourself how to get aroused without pornāboth by yourself and with your boyfriend. if your boyfriend is fine with it, mix it up a little. thereās plenty of ways to stay monogamous and explore together.
donāt let an addiction that you can overcome ruin something wonderful in your life. about your traumatic experience: iām incredibly sorry that that happened to you. trauma affects us profoundly. itās layered, complicated, and adds a lot of shame that you donāt deserve to feel. that needs to be dealt with in therapyāwhen youāre ready. no amount of love from a partner is going to fix that.
also: iām sure your boyfriend isnāt an idiot. heās probably already noticed that youāre having trouble and heās waiting for you to bring it up because he doesnāt want you to feel self-conscious. let yourself be vulnerable. youāve been together for 3 yearsāthatās like 15 years in a straight relationship. you guys clearly have a strong love & bond. thatās good!
i see a lot of myself and my failures in different relationships in your comment, so i speak from experience. i wish i had known then what i know now. but that doesnāt mean you have to suffer the same fate.
youāve got this! itās the two of you against one problem, not you by yourself, and certainly not the two of you against each other. remember to be kind to yourself, too 
best of luck.