Gay here. I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We’re not exclusive, we both describe ourselves as single, and we are going slow. I am a top, he is a vers top. We haven’t really put anal on the table but do all the other stuff. I find myself having severe PE issues with him & sometimes unable to get hard at all. He has never expressed disappointment but it obviously bothers me when I’m done in under 5 minutes & it takes him closer to 20.
On the flip side, if I meet someone to just have a random hookup, I’m a completely different person. I.e., I fucked this guy for almost 90 minutes the other day & went two rounds. Other hookups are similar, 45-60 minutes if one round, longer if more than one round. Issues do seem to pop up when I see the same guy 3 or more times.
Anyway, I’m kinda at a loss. I’m more interested in settling down but that’s going to mean the same partner & I seem to struggle the most when it’s more familiar & less random.
Are you actually interested in this person? Or maybe you are turned on more by the random hook ups?
Maybe look at what’s the difference between the times it’s working and times it’s not. And try work out what that issue is.
That makes sense. But here the issue is with with coming sooner.
There are also emotional/psychological factors that can come into play. Past relationships can sometimes induce fear of attachment. Like I start avoiding a person when they start expressing signs of emotional connection. That triggers my anxiety.
Not gay for what it’s worth but I never had erection issues with one night stands. The thought that I never had to see these people again really eased up on my fear of not performing. Perhaps there’s something similar going on here?
Similar experience here - the more anonymous an encounter, the easier it is. I think I’ve traced inner critic narrative to be less related to performance and more to connection, like it’s somehow “dangerous” to expose vulnerability, which manifests sexually.
Also gay, also top. If it feels like the other guy also wants to top that can kill it for me too - like a feeling if having to do something I don’t want to do.
Taking ownership of our own desires is crucial here I think. Not just being kind on yourself when stuff doesn’t work, but trusting your own instincts about what you do and don’t want.