Just venting a bit

I’ve struggled in the past with getting hard and staying hard. It was a mental thing then and I’m pretty sure it’s a mental thing now. Previously it just went away and I’ve had a lot of great sex since then.

But one day, for whatever reason, we were getting ready to screw and it just went soft. I think I was going down on her and had been down there for too long and the ol boy just got tired or something. Then we couldn’t screw. And while she came anyway, I know her favorite is preventative sex so I really felt like I was letting her down. I’ve lost confidence and ever since then it’s been just a shit show any time we try… And now I’m avoiding sex… despite wanting it not just for me but for my wife, too… because I feel like crap about it

It’s just so frustrating, I was literally inside my wife the other day and going soft. It was like I couldn’t even feel anything… like I’d put some of that numbing stuff on that’s supposed to make you last longer. All I could feel was just my dick shrinking. Then she thinks it’s her or that I don’t find her attractive any more or something like that… And then that just compounds the problem.

Today, we were lying in bed. Sex is off the table right now because she’s on her period and she doesn’t like to do it then (though it doesn’t bother me a bit). So I wanted to see if I could get hard quickly… since I knew there was no chance of sex I had no problem getting it up. I wake up hard as a rock sometimes, too… so I know there’s nothing physically wrong. Just so frustrated with it.


I’m in exactly the same boat as you. Head up and keep working on it

Something similar was happening to me when I was going down on my fiancee. I wanted to pleasure her but I think staying down there for a bit longer took away from my own pleasure. Since then we’ve talked and I’ve tried to communicate more on when I want to stop or I’m getting tired or something, and then we switch to something else and that’s worked well.

Have you talked to your wife about the performance anxiety? I’ve tried to be pretty open with my wife. She’s incredibly understanding. If anything, the pressure and anxiety that still exists is all in my head and something I’ve created.

I’m working on retraining my brain to focus on her pleasure, because that’s what actually turns me on and brings me pleasure. All of that instead of my erection, or lack thereof.

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I have… And she’s supportive… and she tries to work with me. We’ve had sex a few times successfully since this started and it’s all because she’s a real good sport about all of it. Taking time to pay extra attention to me… or trying to provide reassurance… really going the extra mile to try to get things going again if I lose my erection. It just really makes me ashamed, though, when my wife is trying to give a blow job and I’m semi erect at best. It’s just going through my head like “Get the hell up! This is our favorite thing. Get up.”

It also couldn’t come at a worse time because she has had her own mental roadblocks with sex and she recently kind of had an epiphany… That she doesn’t have to be ashamed to ask for sex or to just be a sexual being… we started having a lot of sex.

Now mentally I’m like. Yes… finally… and for just a minute we were really enjoying each other almost daily. But then all this started and I feel like I’ve set her progress back which really makes me feel bad…

I think as I’m getting a bit older, I’m also having a bit of a lower libido than I used to… so I don’t know. Sounds like the two issues go hand in hand… mentally I’d like nothing more than to do it morning, noon, and night… but my body is often just like “nah.”


Talk to your wife about getting an erection when you don’t expect or when you can’t have it because of her period for example. You both could even try and test some role play where sex is not on the table…yet😉