Iāve struggled in the past with getting hard and staying hard. It was a mental thing then and Iām pretty sure itās a mental thing now. Previously it just went away and Iāve had a lot of great sex since then.
But one day, for whatever reason, we were getting ready to screw and it just went soft. I think I was going down on her and had been down there for too long and the ol boy just got tired or something. Then we couldnāt screw. And while she came anyway, I know her favorite is preventative sex so I really felt like I was letting her down. Iāve lost confidence and ever since then itās been just a shit show any time we tryā¦ And now Iām avoiding sexā¦ despite wanting it not just for me but for my wife, tooā¦ because I feel like crap about it
Itās just so frustrating, I was literally inside my wife the other day and going soft. It was like I couldnāt even feel anythingā¦ like Iād put some of that numbing stuff on thatās supposed to make you last longer. All I could feel was just my dick shrinking. Then she thinks itās her or that I donāt find her attractive any more or something like thatā¦ And then that just compounds the problem.
Today, we were lying in bed. Sex is off the table right now because sheās on her period and she doesnāt like to do it then (though it doesnāt bother me a bit). So I wanted to see if I could get hard quicklyā¦ since I knew there was no chance of sex I had no problem getting it up. I wake up hard as a rock sometimes, tooā¦ so I know thereās nothing physically wrong. Just so frustrated with it.
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Iām in exactly the same boat as you. Head up and keep working on it
Something similar was happening to me when I was going down on my fiancee. I wanted to pleasure her but I think staying down there for a bit longer took away from my own pleasure. Since then weāve talked and Iāve tried to communicate more on when I want to stop or Iām getting tired or something, and then we switch to something else and thatās worked well.
Have you talked to your wife about the performance anxiety? Iāve tried to be pretty open with my wife. Sheās incredibly understanding. If anything, the pressure and anxiety that still exists is all in my head and something Iāve created.
Iām working on retraining my brain to focus on her pleasure, because thatās what actually turns me on and brings me pleasure. All of that instead of my erection, or lack thereof.
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I haveā¦ And sheās supportiveā¦ and she tries to work with me. Weāve had sex a few times successfully since this started and itās all because sheās a real good sport about all of it. Taking time to pay extra attention to meā¦ or trying to provide reassuranceā¦ really going the extra mile to try to get things going again if I lose my erection. It just really makes me ashamed, though, when my wife is trying to give a blow job and Iām semi erect at best. Itās just going through my head like āGet the hell up! This is our favorite thing. Get up.ā
It also couldnāt come at a worse time because she has had her own mental roadblocks with sex and she recently kind of had an epiphanyā¦ That she doesnāt have to be ashamed to ask for sex or to just be a sexual beingā¦ we started having a lot of sex.
Now mentally Iām like. Yesā¦ finallyā¦ and for just a minute we were really enjoying each other almost daily. But then all this started and I feel like Iāve set her progress back which really makes me feel badā¦
I think as Iām getting a bit older, Iām also having a bit of a lower libido than I used toā¦ so I donāt know. Sounds like the two issues go hand in handā¦ mentally Iād like nothing more than to do it morning, noon, and nightā¦ but my body is often just like ānah.ā
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Talk to your wife about getting an erection when you donāt expect or when you canāt have it because of her period for example. You both could even try and test some role play where sex is not on the tableā¦yetš